Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

I slept for seven hours! Went to bed early a little sore, but great! Slept enough and ready for the gym! Avni and I will go this morning as Allison is still in trouble from last week! No HOA meeting tonight because Spencer, the gentleman who ran it, quit! Thank goodness that guy was freaking weird and creeped me out!

8:20 AM to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally?

Great

How am I feeling physically?

Sore but great

How am I spiritually?

I’m pretty good

What are my goals for today?

Talk to Jess about card

What is my affirmation/greatness/gratitude for today?

Good morning everybody my greatness is all of you guys

I need to get my phone so I can write down some telephone/cell numbers to check in with some people who are probably worried about me. Just said she would pull my phone when we meet this week, so I’m glad about that. I did wake up today a little sad, wondering if Mike or Connor miss me at all or if I’m just a distant memory. Maybe they don’t care at all. I don’t really think Mike does but I’m worried about Connor. I miss Connor so much it hurts so badly. I just need to remember why I’m here.

All of the ladies complain so much about the rules. However, the rules are place for a reason just like the schedule. For example, wake up at 6:30 get dressed, ready and pick up and clean apartment. Nothing different than I do at the house. I have to make my bed (even though now it’s a twin) every morning but Mike was normally in bed and also is a nappy guy so sometimes I wondered “what’s the point“. Then there is the phone situation, you can’t use the phone the first 15 days, family and people close need time to process my family will never process nor do they probably care, but I understand why the rule is there. I guess a lot of other treatment centers are more lackadaisical but there’s a reason Decision Point has these rules in place. Do I feel like a child sometimes, sure!, child. however, I acted like a child.

So many clicks here I’m just keeping my nose to the ground. Anytime someone starts and complaining or talking crap I tell them I don’t care, I’m here for one reason and that’s/this isn’t it nor is it good for me. So keep it to yourself!!! I’m pretty firm about that.

They are making a detox center at the center here so a lot of construction is going on and we are being shifted around with different locations as they demolish different areas. A lot of women here started out at a different facility (detox) prior to their arrival here.

Appointments: no appointments today

9 AM to 10 AM Healthy Relationships with Kendra

Just because I am sober doesn’t mean Mike will love me again! It’s a reality that I must accept. It’s been 23 days, so I know it’s not going well! I’m now carrying the weight of the world! My outlook seems bleak. If I get to be with my family they must see a change and I can’t change any rules. The rules are going to have to be trusted and trust related. Rules that make Mike and Connor feel comfortable. I made my choice, but they must believe I made that choice, but they must believe I made that choice. I need to prove myself. I will need them to support me, not letting me the other grocery store by myself. I need Mike to set his own boundaries. I need to be held accountable by Mike and Connor so that I have the support I need! Don’t come home and rearrange – deep clean – organize or control that you do not impress upon every rule or impose rules. I need to relax and go with my family’s rules, not mine if I do wet or how I did it before my family will worry – I need to be open and prove I am OK! I need to lose control. They love me for who I am and not my ability to control, clean or be a rule maker! Flow sit down watch TV a movie cuddle just relax!

Homework for this evening make a plan to repair my relationship.

I love my life, the life I had. I would do anything to get it back. If Mike would just talk to me. If I could just see my son. I just wanna show them.

1015 to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

Surprise, surprise… We’ve broken up into all girl and a boy groups. I’m sure you know what we’re going to talk about, so here goes… My version anyway.

Shit went sideways today. I told them if they take away my gym membership I will leave. So once again, all this petty girl shit. Someone said that Avni and I lied about Allison going to the gym with us

2 to 3:30 PM Relapse Prevention with Jess

On Tuesdays, before discharge from Decision Point, you read your relapse prevention to all the counselors and the beach tees and how you plan not to relapse. My relapse prevention date is 527 2022 because I leave on June 1, 2022. Today there’s only two that will be reading it and take a while, especially because Kyle is one of them. We also did a mock up of our relapse prevention plan in class.

Kyle

Jason

3:45 to 4:45 PM Women’s Spirituality with Krista

Today we’re just gonna relax, dance, just be happy with a just be me kind of a day. So we’re going to use song to make that happen. We need to get to pick songs that we like and we love I wrote down my songs but I didn’t play any of them. Some of the people we have here are just way too strong, and I have no fight left in me, So I just let them choose. It shows good songs sad depressing but good songs these are the songs I would’ve chose:

The Cure “Just like heaven“

Sade “By your side“

Lenny Kravitz “I belong to you“

AC/DC “Back in Black”

Depeche Mode “Policy of Truth“ or “Personal Jesus”

Michael Jackson “Bad“ or “Smooth Criminal“

Tin Tin Duffy “Kiss Me with Your Mouth”

Well, I chose anything that would make me happy. Make me smile. Something I want to dance around to, I don’t wanna be sad and miserable. The song is only about two minutes long and I could do two minutes of forgetting who I was.

Shit went sideways today. I told him if they take away my gym membership I will leave! So with all this petty girl shit; someone said that Avni and I lied about Allison going to the gym with us. Avni and I were “AMBUSHED” in our own primary group today by our therapist Kendra: me/Avni: Wade. I was so pissed! I told the very truth, that YES, We all went, as we fucking did! I didn’t lose my shit, but I wasn’t going to let petty women start bullshit and lie. Then I was told I couldn’t go! I stated I never broke the rules, I did my black out time, Avni and I didn’t do anything wrong. I demanded my money back for membership to the gym (1st month), And told them I’m a 50-year-old woman and I need exercise, it is ridiculously inappropriate what they are doing right now. Kendra said, “she would get back to me tomorrow, but I may be leaving. I need to find a new facility if that takes place! What scares me most is having someone to have to call Mike! This will hurt him and make him worry about my recovery – as he only wants to support my recovery financially only!

So Julie the residential manager decided that we are “the ladies” I mean needed to have a meeting for bonding so even though we weren’t scheduled – everyone had to go! I gave her props, I thought I was pretty tricky with people, but damn she’s good! Needless to say, we all had to speak.

There is a 50 year plus woman here named Jaime who can’t admit she is an addict. Apparently, she is addicted to “benzos“ I’m not sure what that is but she also likes Ambien. I don’t know how one gets addicted to sleeping pills or Wyatt a benzo an Ambien is bad. However, she is really embarrassed. So I told her story that was embarrassing to me and frightening in a group.

I said, “that I had already made calls, gone to an arraignment, and knowing that I like my job, I couldn’t and didn’t want to quit. Besides, it was time to put my big girl pants on. I was broken, sad, guilty, overwhelmed, full of shame, and hurt.” (*Note to self – this is a better version than the first one*) “not only the day before no one knew any different and I had my poker face on. I unloaded my stuff, put my vest on, I said all of my hellos to everyone with a smile on my face. I saw Lynn was in her office and I asked if we could talk. Also holding myself with an airy chair. When I walked in I shut the door (I never close her door) and sat down. And then said we need to talk and it’s serious. I started to cry and then stopped it took 10 deep breaths, shaking until I finally said for the first time “I have a problem with alcohol, I’m an alcoholic, I binge drink.“ land looked at me and disbelief and making matters worse she said what? I had to repeat it again. I then had to tell her all that happened and asked for 45 day leave. She told me to take 60 so I can reacclimate and breathe before coming back. That was the worst of it… She then said I don’t understand I just saw you and Mike on that Saturday and you both are so in love. She further said I look at you too with such admiration. My tears started again, and all I could think of was Mike and not/ him not being the person who deserve the respect to have me tell him I am an alcoholic. I told Jaime, “not to be afraid. That her husband and her family won’t stop loving her, and be braver than I was to love herself and more importantly if she loves and respects her husband, you’re going to say it make sure he’s the one that you tell first.”

All the women after the meeting told me… “You’re truly a brave woman. “I know I am not brave, big girl pants maybe, the brave would have been and gone differently.