Day 15 May 2, 2022

I slept 6.5 hours last night. Last night was bad! I took my sleeping pill, trazodone 100 mg, at med pass and it went sideways. It kind of sideways when you smoke a weird pot and get paranoid and there is a pit in your stomach that’s negative and scared. I really can’t explain it, to my exact feelings but it was ugly! Savannah Tracie and I were watching a cute movie when it hit me and literally ran to bed! Last night was bad! I took my sleeping pill, trazodone 100 mg, at med pass and it went sideways. It kind of sideways when you smoke a weird pot and get paranoid and there is a pit in your stomach that’s negative and scared. I really can’t explain it, to my exact feelings but it was ugly! Savannah Tracie and I were watching a cute movie when it hit me and literally ran to bed! luckily I fell asleep fast, but I still have a little reminiscent of that bad feeling! It’s 4 AM I’m drinking my coffee, soon I’ll get ready and hopefully a good work out will take the rest of this away!!!! Wow, if I had Mike this shit would have gone away the instant I told him – he had a knack for making things better and OK in that regard. I miss him a lot. I do miss him a lot.

I want to talk a minute about my beautiful boy! My God I love that kid. He is amazing. When people talk, some women talk about their children here I want to beat them up! It makes me mad. They talk so lovingly about their children, but they drink all day long. Passed out drank some more, passed out again, over and over, etc. some just did drop off and pick up still knowing that they shouldn’t have been in a car with a child. Yet, they get to see their kids and they’ve been in and out of rehab. They get to see their husbands and their husbands are supporting them in this journey.

One lady, and I really like this lady, her name is Jessica. Jessica keeps escaping her family for treatment. She talks about all the treatment center she’s been to and Christmases, birthdays, etc. that she has missed and so nonchalant about it. Meanwhile, I’m dying on the inside. I understand everyone has a story and you don’t know until you’ve walked in their shoes but fuck! Fuckity any Fuck! Fuck!

Went to the gym! Had a great workout. 15 minutes of cardio, stomach, and legs! Starting slow with weights but how amazing was it to walk to fitness 10 and work out and walk back. I don’t feel so stuck and miserable, it’s nice! No it was awesome!!!

To-Do’s

  1. Finished step two
  2. Write Michael letter
  3. Shower
  4. Shave
  5. Laundry

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally?

A little off but pretty good

How am I feeling physically?

It was a good work out

How am I spiritually?

Good

What are my goals?

Find a new sponsor

What is my gratitude/affirmation/greatness?

Avni and Allison thank you so much for this morning. Thank you so much for all of our talks and just being there to help support one another.

Just for Today

9 to 10 AM Science of Addiction with Gregson

“ Overdose Prevention“ Yavapai County Department of Health is speaking today.

This really doesn’t apply to me. I do not use fentanyl. Nor am I addicted to fentanyl. There are many here at the treatment center homework fentanyl addicts. This whole speaker today is about the use of, how to use, and what it is… Narcan.

1015 to 12 noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

We spoke about the different meetings that there are out there.

Dharma Recovery: A community of peers that encourages Buddhist – based recovery to addiction: awakening Buddha, truth dharma, and community sangha. Mindfulness-based addiction recovery program and community that utilizes Buddhist philosophy as a foundation of the recovery program.

I am reading a book on Dharma Recovery that uses the philosophy of Buddhism and the 12 steps and how they correlate.

One Breath at A Time: Buddhism and the 12 steps by Kevin Griffin

Healthwise Recovery:

DrumAssisted Recovery Therapy for Native Americans (DARTNA):

Smart Recovery: Self – Management and Recovery Training

So there are other theories besides alcoholics anonymous. They all kind of have their own steps but they are not AA 12 steps.

Shame

I suggestion made was a must read is a book called Daring Bravely by Brené Brown

We watched a Ted talk by Brene Brown on “Shame”

guilt is being sorry for something you’ve done. Shame is being sorry for who you are.

Grocery list

  • Minute rice
  • Chicken breast
  • Cream of chicken soup
  • Root beer
  • Onions
  • Green chilies
  • Black beans
  • Red and orange bell pepper
  • Red wine vinaigrette dressing
  • yogurt
  • grapes
  • Frozen strawberries
  • Fresh strawberries
  • Corn
  • Green onions
  • Sour cream
  • Cilantro
  • shredded cheese
  • Avocado
  • Sharp cheddar
  • Butter
  • soup
  • milk milk
  • Bread
  • Ice cream lots and lots of ice cream
  • Flour
  • Broccoli
  • Chicken broth
  • Chocolate lots and lots of chocolate
  • Carrots
  • Lettuce
  • tomatoes
  • Red onion
  • Feta
  • Ziploc bags
  • Granola
  • Mustard
  • Oreo cookies

So my eating habits are doing good I had a smoothie thanks to Tracie and some grapes for lunch I had some sliced strawberries in an enchilada. I feel so amazing . So many staff members and nurses at the center have been saying how great I look and healthy! I am so happy also! Happiest I’ve been in a very long time! Even though I’m in a treatment facility but today feels a lot like my favorite day exclamation I don’t know why. AA meeting done exclamation ate a frozen dinner so I’m good. Med pass will start soon exclamation got some good rating in during some very boring meetings or non-applicable meetings about overdosing and narcotics. Ordered my groceries funny I ordered soda last week and have 2 L of soda and I’m only drinking water! I’m drinking water like nobody’s business, it’s crazy! I love you Mike and I love you Connor have a great night good night!

Step two

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s