Day 13 April 30, 2022

“My recovery has to come first, so the people and the life I love don’t come last.”- Unknown

Slept 6.45 hours I went to bed at 9 PM and woke up at about 3:47 AM. That’s pretty good, I’m liking that for me! Happy Saturday! Weekends are long but at least I have a A&R now!So that is some thing I look forward to you. Monday I can start working out and I have my first sponsor appointment with Carrie! We must have sponsors will we are here to be allowed to participate in all the fun stuff! By fine I mean leave and not have to sit here at residential or go to the Center for arts and crafts!

I feel a sense of peace. I can explain. Even my handwriting is normal again. That’s weird, huh as I walked this morning from the woman’s Center to the smoking area I knew I had to be here and I was okay with that and OK with that it. I need to be here where I’m at. I miss my family, and I miss my home and yet, I am not sure if I get that again.

My heart and soul, I mean deep, deep, deep down is embracing me, my self-worth and just being for now. I was fearless, before. Truly fearless. I love to try new things. I didn’t give a rats ass if you liked me or not. If I didn’t feel OK, I wasn’t afraid to say it. I realize now I was self isolating. I want to be not a shell of the person I became. That’s what is so great right now I feel like me. Maybe just closer to me, I know I have more to go. I’m sad my husband lost me even my mother (of whom I’m still not a big fan of – and still prefer her at a distance). My son has really never even seen me like this these last few/couple years. I want to show them both when I get a chance. I am the woman that Mike married and the mother of the son I gave birth to.

Well no ANR, only the boys get to go today and the girls get to go tomorrow because they’re short staffed. So I am at creative expressions yay! So today I finished my frame. It looks great. I also made two bracelets one of which I don’t think I can get off so I am stuck wearing this bracelet for a w TVAnd do art.

It’s 8 AM I just came back from smoking with some women and got that overwhelming feeling again. I’m not sure how to make that go away. My hopes is it will get less and less or that I will find a better way to cope with it!

Positives for The Day

  • I’m not coughing every morning when I wake up there’s just a little residual cough that’s slowly going away.
  • I’m not smoking as much I’m also vaping but not smoking as much
  • I snorglle mostly and snore every once in a while but I don’t snore like a freight train every night in bed
  • I don’t sometimes throw up in the morning. It wasn’t brushing my teeth. I mean I was brushing my teeth and then my tongue but it was the alcohol.

9:30 AM to 11:30 AM Daily Focus with Krista

How am I feeling mentally?

Happy Saturday, fabulous

How am I feeling physically?

Great

How am I spiritually?

Praying for a sign – doesn’t matter what just a sign

What are my goals for the day?

Read passage Mary gave me and look at the steps

What are my gratitude’s greatness is or affirmations for the day?

Well there is no an hour for the girls today only the boys. The girls get to go on a hike tomorrow so I am a creative expressions basically art and crafts. I finished a frame I was working on and it looks great I also made two bracelets one of which I don’t think I can ever get off my hand. So I’m stuck wearing this bracelet for a while anyway it’s nice to get out of your brain and do art. We go back to residential and relax until 515pm/520pm and then we have a alumni AA meeting or reunion AA meeting. Normally we only have four AA meetings a week except for the last Saturday of the month. I think five meetings a week is a bit much and it’s a lot almost too many whether they feed us or not. Set the fetus dominoes and wings on alumni meetings, which is really nice. I get to see Olivia that’ll be nice.

My family for the support financially here it’s all I can actually ask for

Blackout is over…the Count down is on…

I am reading Hope by Dick B. It speaks about family therapy and releasing with love. “Releasing with love is defined in several ways. One says this detachment with love means being:

  • Objective, but not indifferent;
  • Flexible, but not indecisive;
  • Firm, but not hard;
  • Wise, but not clever;
  • Patient, but not resigned;
  • Strong, but not overbearing;
  • Resolute, but not stubborn;
  • Compassionate, but not indulgent“

“It means separating the personality you love from the disease you despise; accepting the afflicted one unconditionally as an individual with worth and dignity, while steadfastly rejecting the destructive influences of alcoholism on yourself and on the family members in your care.”

I like this quote, “you look like the south end of a bus headed north“– that’s how I felt when I first came here.

I really like this book. It has a lot of valuable information in it. I need to read more of it, but now I need to look at the steps for AAA and get started a bit.

The Case of The Maybe’s

So speaking of the afflicted one as stated in an above paragraph. My drinking had afflicted with the maybe’s. The maybes fell between 4 PM Dash and 8 PM when I was going to drink. I called this my witching hour. So the maybes weren’t so maybes that was my way of saying no when Mike would ask earlier in the day. Which now that I think about my maybe’s (besides not feeling good about my maybe’s) I’m trying to see it from Mike’s end of my maybe’s let me give you some examples:

  • Do you want to go to the movies –maybe
  • Do you wanna go out to dinner – maybe
  • Do you want to go to the mall with me – maybe
  • I need to go to sporting good store do you wanna go with me – maybe
  • Do you wanna go with me and your son to watch him do jujitsu – maybe
  • Do you want to go with me and your son to do quite frankly anything – maybe

I rearrange schedules, plans, I even strategically head vodka bottles in my suitcase in between clothes to make sure that if we were in a hotel room I could have my cocktails when I wanted to binge drink. If I made it past 8 PM it was a good day and I had a good thought in my brain I could do it for about three days no more. But what about them maybes? Pretty sad for me and for Mike and for my son that my binge drinking would dictate if we even bothered to hang out.

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