Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

I slept six hours it’s 4 AM. The AA meeting was fun last night. I love you was there it was great to see her! The staff purchase pizza and wings from Domino’s. I have been craving fast food, badly so that was a welcome treat. The meeting was a zoom meeting with the lady who was at Decision Point, prior. Like most, her story was raw and explicit. I did giggle a bit not at her story or circumstances surrounding it but where she came from, Erie Pennsylvania.

I wonder if Mike or any of his friends know Michaela. She has Sicilian with nine brothers and sisters and no shit every five minutes or five seconds she said “you know what I mean!“ LMAO! 😂 Damn Pennsyltuckians!!!That’s what I called Mike and his friends from Erie!

Last night is when me and Tracie became pretty inseparable friends. Here’s how it went down…

There was some laughs last night with Tracie, my roomie. I shouldn’t have been funny, at least one part of the giggles, but it was nice to laugh at myself and admit to some very true addict behavior.

So twice a week they take her vitals here, and last night during med pass, they needed to check mine. My blood pressure was fantastic, better than it’s been in a while! I have quit drinking before but never to the point or should I say I didn’t seem to have a dental, physician, etc. Appointment’s. Yeah, it seemed I had drank or was drinking when I would have an appointment. So when I had my blood pressure taken it was bad. I mean really really bad. My excuse here we go “White Coat Syndrome”.

Yes I did. Yes I told doctors I had “White coat syndrome“. Even still if I knew I had an appointment I would even go to lengths to take Mike’s fenofibrate so it wasn’t as bad. Tracie and I were off our Rocker laughing. To almost tears. I almost pee’d my pajamas I was laughing that hard. Not so funny part is I will have to tell Mike. He will not find it funny at all! However, last night was a good night because look at the excuses I was making to hide my addiction!

On a lighter note, let’s talk about “camp” Decision Point. So being here is a lot like being at summer camp. Same type rules apply, similarly to a camp. We have lots of arts and crafts like camp, but Decision Point because there’s “creative expressions“. Sadly the crap they give us here is sad, children shit. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to just be, get out of your head and use your right brain. However, I can’t take this crap home! Yes, it’s cute but come on! Bracelets, painting Dollar Store wood craft frames, some melty bead things you make shapes with and melt with ironing iron, coloring books (Star Wars thank you), puffy paint but I can go on; but, just think second or third grade shit! Mike could be pissed off to know how much money he’s spending to know what we are making. I know he’ll be excited to see what’s next a Dreamcatcher! Well that’s according to Tracie. So Tracie and I were in tears again I haven’t laughed so hard, seriously are we going to bring vision boards dollar frames and wearing our sad beaded bracelets home. Then I double dog dared Tracie to ask with a straight face if we could do leather Works and stamp or names into the leather just like at camp. She doesn’t think she can do it, but she’s going to try!

I know I’ve mentioned Mike several times. One day and not in a letter, but face-to-face; I will have to tell Mike all the truths. I may not have been drinking a “handle“ a day (funny the lingo I am learning here) or that I will suffer from liver disease or had a heart attack, addicted to booze and pills and the list goes on. However, it was bad. It was bad for me and bad for my family and I did lose my shit. I still lied, manipulated, and in a sense cheated. So, I will tell the truth all of them. No matter what, Mike deserves to know, Period! When I do, I will tell them and then just listen. I will hear his disappointment, heartache, sadness and anger. He deserves the truth and more importantly, he needs to tell me his, and I will listen.

Positives for The Day

1. My pooping is becoming a little bit more regular
2. My blood pressure is great
3. I have a 5 mile hike today and I’m very excited about it
4. Most importantly, I feel beautiful

To-Do’s

1. Have Savannah braid my hair
2. Finish step one in AA
3. Shower and shave my legs today
4. Read
5. Write in my journal
6. Right for my book

Well, I’m eating breakfast either Cocopah’s or toast with peanut butter and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (brand of cinnamon and sugar). My eyes are really clear and I feel great. Aromatherapy today is peppermint and music is…” Listen to the The Music” by the Doobie Brothers. Need to look up and by “playing for change“ for iPod. It’s pretty cool on all these old songs are played and instruments are from all over the world singing and dancing the videos are just too cool. I passed on speaking today because I didn’t know what kind of service they were asking, as I’ve never attended an AA or know anything about. Jason said the nicest thing about me. While we were sharing about today’s reading. Which was on service and volunteering in recovery. He said, to the whole group that “I give service to everyone here by smiling talking to and giving compliments. I am always giving service here.” That was really good feel good moment for me that I was recognized. That I actually do do things for other people. I’m not as selfish as I was and everything is just starting to get better. I’m sure I’ll have my moments but today is a good day.

SOUPER Sunday With Gregson

How am I feeling mentally?

Super positive

How am I feeling physically?

Great – super excited for the hike today

How am I spiritually?

Cruising right along

What are my goals today?

Sit somewhere quiet and do the first step

What is my gratitude/greatness/affirmation?

My journaling and writing… It’s helping me cope , Work through things, figure out who I am without alcohol

Soup du jour Sunday:

It’s super windy here in Preskett downtown, I wonder how windy it is at home! Where I was living I should say. My garden is probably dead, but the trees will look amazing! That would be nice for Connor. I hope he enjoys it! My sadness hits hard on Sundays I’m sure next weekend will be worse I may decide I’m sick, I will need a little down, alone and cry time!

Went for a hike on a trail this afternoon. It was about 2.5 miles in and 2.5 miles back so that’s about 5 miles tall though give or take we did walk a little bit further than the boys did yesterday. It was nice to be out and about. I remember my bike ride on the same trail maybe a month before with a friend. I remember picking up Connor and Mike at the same place the van part and we got out to go on the hike. I remember being done with the bike ride and going home. “Home”. I want this to stay my home. I digress. Today is about good vibes!

Watch church on TV with some my sober sisters, it was very nice. At 7 PM and I’m just winding down med pass will be tuned soon and sleepy time will happen. I always can’t wait for this time of the day that way I know I can sleep and not keep reliving my day because every morning I wake up and I don’t know where I am and then it all floods back.

Tomorrow is the day I get to work out at fit 10. I’m so very excited. I also get to walk up and down the street too. So walking to the gym, working out, and walk back! Woot woot, blackout is over! I mean I’m up at about 3 AM or 4 AM anyway so I think 5 AM workout will be amazing! Everyone is at my old apartment where I roommate with Mary eating enchiladas the apartment above made. I’m just picking and never seen their apartment so it’s hard pass! Besides I’m not here to party and have a good time, and I like my alone time too! Monday tomorrow all over again I meet with my sponsor tomorrow from 12:45 to 1:15 PM to work on step one even though I already did step one today.

Alcoholics Anonymous Step One Work sheet