Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

“Healing is slow for a reason.” -Jacqueline Whitney

I slept 5.5 hours. I’m still upset about Mike, but there’s nothing I can do except love myself right now. I miss my son! I won’t get to see him on Mother’s Day which breaks my heart. Nor will I get to see him his eighth grade graduation. This breaks my heart even more. 8th graduation is a major mile stone. I suppose I deserve all the shit being slung my way!

Positives for TheThe Day

1. I miss Mike but it’s starting to be less.
2. I do feel good body wise
3. I look good my skin tone and everything… I feel pretty
4. Changing rooms didn’t isn’t an issue I actually like my roommate Tracie. She kind of got a bad rap but I know we’re gonna be really good friends

To-Do’s for The Day

1. Go to Vape store at 12 noon
2. Cook the bacon
3. Cook the refried beans
4. Talk to Barbara the nurse about my blood work and the list to go to Mike
5. Right for my books

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally?

Good

How am I feeling physically?

Healthier

How am I spiritually?

Trying to be open more

What are my goals for today?

Call me a sponsor to set up her name is Carrie

What is my greatness/affirmation/ gratitude for the day?

I really don’t have any today.

Appointments Today: 3 PM with Kendra and 3:30 PM yoga

9 AM to 10 AM Codependency with Jess

Codependent No More – Melody Beattie

This is a book about being codependent, codependency is and how to overcome it. Today we talked about a checklist for codependency. I know I am not codependent however it seems there are similarities in everything.

This quote really hit home it’s a good quote…

“It (detachment) s not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.”

1015 to 12 noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

We talked about PHP and what it means to be PHP. How do you have to volunteer. You get a family visit that’s four hours on the weekend. And then you get to go to the gym whenever you want. Considering I’m still in black out and PHP is near the end of a 45 day treatment I’m really not all that concerned about PHP right now. Something to look forward to, maybe.

3 PM Therapy Session with Kendra

5:30 PM to 6:30 PM Big Book Meeting at Decision Point’s Woman’s Center

Today Kendra and I spoke about a trigger. It’s funny (I guess, not really funny in the ha ha sense). No even a short amount of time, 11 days, of therapies and listening you can start to see the patterns in yourself. My biggest trigger is control. I can control my drinking, not necessarily in the same context of controlling how much I drink but when and why. Might take so much away sometimes. I can’t have an ATM card because he wants control over “his” money. When he has an agenda he controls what gets done and what does it need to get done. So I have control when I decide I want to drink. It is not a fuck you Mike. It is a thing I get to control. Even though as I write it on paper it seems like a fuck you Mike, but it is not. It is important to say when I do decide on that “control“ I drink a pint of vodka or less. Not a liter or a fifth or as it’s called a handle. No it’s a pint. Part of the control is counting to make sure I never go over and I make for damn sure of that. I can’t just how many shots go in a glass etc. It is calculated. I’m not playing a game, however; it is a game as it’s counted, calculated and strategized much the same. I am not codependent on Mike. I genuinely and I mean truly want for nothing. She gives unconditionally. Did I fuck up on the ATM card by making some larger purchases I didn’t tell him about, yes. So, it’s not like it wasn’t the first time he asked. So he didn’t take it away just to take it away. Did he know in the last two years I bought vodka with it, yes! Until I had a job who else paid for it.

Kendra and I also spoke a little about the police report. I told her I wasn’t ready for her to read it yet. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve read it once from the police department. To Decision Point Center, handed it off to Jess and I told her to hold onto it. I couldn’t keep reading it and dissecting it over and over again. I swear it would have killed me. Once, well that was more than enough for me crying the last two days. I did read to her the letter I wrote to get my feelings Of guilt, shame, lost love and losing everything, etc. To Kendra. This letter will never get mailed but it let me get feelings out I can’t share.

We also discussed the difficulty I am having with not speaking to Mike and Connor. This is very hard for me, I don’t want to tell Mike everything. From what I’m learning, my deepest apologies, that I blacked out. Most things though are there every day little stupid stuff I just want to tell Mike and laugh about. Like as dumb as it is about my constipation and what followed when I did go.

For what it’s worth and all in all it was a really good session today. Much better than the first as I am trying to be open as possible because I truly want to help. My last therapist I could really open up to, I’m really not sure about the Kendra thing because I don’t know what she will and will not tell Mike as I gave him complete our R.O.I.. I just can’t have anything else used against me. Him thinking that I don’t love him or worse taking my son away.

You must take inventory every night before you go to bed…

Before you take inventory you need to answer these following questions, Alcoholics anonymous “Big Book”, page 86 through 87.

1. “Were you resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?”
2. “Do you owe an apology?”
3. “Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?“
4. “Were you kind and loving toward all?“
5. “What could you have done better?““What could you have done better?“
6. “Were you thinking of ourselves most of the time?“
7. “Were you thinking of what we could do for others, of what you could pack into of the stream of life?“

After you write all these down you were supposed to think about the next 24 hours and what you can do better in and about.