Day 9 April 26, 2022

“…Those interested and perpetuating present conditions are always in tears about the marvelous past that is about to disappear, without having so much as a smile for the young future.” – Simone de Beauvoir

It’s 5 AM and I slept from 10 PM to 4 AM so a total of six hours. My personality is coming back! I’m really working on myself. I know how much love, friendship I have to give and what I want to have. I also know or beginning to understand the slippery slope/rabbit hole I was headed down. The other alcoholic women here 13/39 years old drank all day every day for years with chronic relapses. Lost children, marriages, jobs, friends, etc.i’m lucky in some regard I’m down the rabbit hole, but I’ve only touched the surface. Thank God what transpired did. I have a job still, one that, according to Lynn and well respected (she said, “you have no idea how respected you are“), and friends. I don’t want to be functioning. I want to be amazingly awesome.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!

I haven’t gone to the bathroom really, a.k.a. pooped. Hopefully that will come soon. I did eat yesterday after I briefly cornered poor Kendra during break in primary therapy group about her call with Mike. She said “she wasn’t sure how it went because she’s never spoken with him or first time she’s ever spoken with him“. I asked what his voice was like, she said very pleasant and soft. I asked how’d it go she said he wanted to make sure that I was doing was I OK and was concerned about my well-being. I took that as a sign that he really does care (about the fact I’m at least still breathing, but that’s better then the alternative, so that’s good). So I decided to eat and I ate. Yet, I do not dare hope not yet anyway time will come hopefully.

Positives Today

  1. My personality is coming back
  2. My eyes are less and less bloodshot
  3. I’m still pretty stoked and glad that I have great sober sisters
  4. I know and feel “I am beautiful“

To-Do’s for Today

  1. Letter of recommendation for Olivia I still haven’t done it
  2. Call Mike about insurance, I can do this.
  3. Meet with Dr and then have Kendra send an email to residential so I can walk the hill and to the gym
  4. Finish tracing Connor’s dragon
  5. Get numbers to sponsor so I can start calling them

820 to 8:50AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally?

Pretty solid today, I’m feeling all right

How am I feeling physically?

I can’t wait to see the doctor today so I can get approved to start walking the hill and going to the gym once blackout period is over.

What are my goals for the day?

Try and get a sponsor

What is my greatness gratitude or affirmation?

Everybody here

Daily Reading

It’s all about self acceptance. Except my self for who I am and trust the process, but be me! I know who I am, who I can be, and be that person. Yet be humble! Stay positive I know I can do this.

Appointments Today: 1 PM with just my caseworker and 12 PM with Dr. Brooks for my physical and 12:30 PM for CrossFit so I can start going to the gym in a few short days

9 AM to 10 AM Healthy Relationships with Kendra

Intimacy which is honesty, openness, friendship trust, warmth, knowing, personal, and very emotional.

“Into me you see“ equals intimacy

Out of treatment rebuilding our trust there is reasonable and always unreasonable. For example what checks and balances Mike will need to feel we can build trust again! I need to be honest and open don’t hide but be completely transparent.

Emotional intimacy is something really special and something that both Mike and I only have ever shared with each other. I didn’t grow up with it and nor did Mike. It’s some thing that may be other people might’ve had in other relationships or they saw their parents have it and so they saw it for what it is and what it’s supposed to be. To say the least it’s something very very special I know this and Mike does too.

10:15 AM to 12 noon Primary therapy group with Kendra

Well so far this has been a great group there are two women that are having huge arguments in our group. So I left the group for a bit. I am now back in the group because the argument is over. I don’t know what it is but when people are arguing lately it sends my anxiety through the roof I just want to come out of my skin and I have to pace I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me my heart is racing I feel like I’m gonna puke it’s horrible. People women stop arguing. But I knowWell so far this has been a great group there are two women that are having huge arguments in our group. So I left the group for a bit. I am now back in the group because the argument is over. I don’t know what it is but when people are arguing lately it sends my anxiety through the roof I just want to come out of my skin and I have to pace I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. my heart is racing and I feel like I’m gonna puke, it’s horrible. , PeoplePeoplePeople… Damn women stop arguing. But I know Women don’t get along with other women and we are in tight quarters, but my god, I believeIm going to have a heart attack.

I had to call Mike about the insurance information. I called at 10:20 AM and it’s now 11:20 AM. He did not call back, not for me. I’m positive he will not. Sad yes. Irritating, yes. Will I lose focus? I can’t. I need this recovery! I’m getting a divorce. Like a mantra just keep repeating it. I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce, I’m getting a divorce. Mantra!

After my appointments and with Jess we ran around dropping people off after fitness 10 and then we went to the police department. Turns out all the cash I had was in large bills so then we had to go to the bank get changed to go back to the police department to get the police report.

Well, I read the police report. It was what I expected. There are parts, like Michael allowing me to held and allowing him to yell at me. my poor son – the fact he had to do that. There are other parts I can’t believe I even did they put my hand through a door I can see breaking the door knob but why would I be near a closet. I was going to drive away… Are you fucking kidding me, it is beyond my comprehension. The fact that Mike was trying to run around the house and hide keys I broke door! I don’t know but it’s bad. I Invoke my right that night and would not and did not give a statement I was asked many times but I didn’t. I will Never give a statement.. As I am not and will not ever bring Connor or Mike into any ridiculous Court. I am the catalyst I did it. It’s fine. I took off my rings. It’s over.

I do not want a divorce, fuck the mantra!

I NEED TO CLEAN UP MY SIDE OF THE STREET

2 PM to 3 PM Relapse prevention with all the caseworkers and BHT’s

Relapse prevention is where we talk about how to formulate a relapse prevention plan and who is going to read the relapse prevention plan because they’re getting ready to leave. Relapse prevention plans are always on a Tuesday and anybody leaving before the following Tuesday reads their plan.

  • Mia – leaving Thursday at 2 AM
  • Connor – leaving on Sunday at 2 PM
  • Jared – leaving on Sunday at 2 PM
  • Olivia – leaving Thursday at 2 PM

345 to 4:45 PM Women’s Spirituality With Krista

A Toltec wisdom book

The Four Agreements

By Don Miguel Ruiz

The four agreements is a practical guide to personal freedom. Don Miguel was an apprentice to a shaman and has extensive knowledge on the Toltec’s peoples.

https://www.getstoryshots.com/books/the-four-agreements-summary/#Synopsis

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