Day 10 April 27, 2022

“The couples that are meant to be Are the ones who go through everything That’s designed to tear them apart And come out stronger.” – Unknown

It’s 4:30 AM I’ve slept six hours. I’m watching Joyce Meyers with Mary. They moved me last night into another apartment because girls are fighting. When I say girls I mean grown ass women. I read the damn police report, I was sad and confused as I never have blacked out like that before but then I have to move because I’m complacent? I’m easy-going? I’m fucking broken and hurt. I need this recovery. To move me so soon I thought it was ridiculous. So again I cried myself to sleep.

I wish I could stop having this fucking pity party. In my whole life I’ve never been this broken. There’s no way out. There are holes in my story, but I don’t really know. I know I feel and felt something wasn’t right but the truth is I blacked out! What the fuck is wrong with me. I know people say rock bottom but God damn did it have to be this bad? I guess so!

I don’t know! I just don’t know! I’m not lost and yet I am. Seriously I’m not this or that. I understand nothing but know something. I’ve never felt this way. So low but I feel I should feel lower. I feel like I should kill myself. But I But I know I don’t want to and I know I can’t I won’t leave this world with my son and my husband I love in it. I mean I may not like my parents very much truth be told however I wouldn’t do that to them either I know what I do it to myself. I just don’t feel that I’m strong enough to Face what I’m facing. How sad is that? Do I feel I should be punished my whole life. I don’t want to be punished my whole life. I really don’t want to die but I can’t get even that right. Just talking myself around ridiculous shit, I say something but I’m definitely not gonna follow through with it. And I know it’s OK to feel that way. I know I am not the only person in the world that is felt maybe the world would be a better place if I wasn’t there. I know I’m not alone nor am I crazy. We talk about God – maybe we should talk about how we are Satan‘s children instead. We are all in hell. Hell in our own poison prison. At least I am.

On a different note, women here keep wanting to have family dinners, game nights, etc. No one, especially me. deserves to have joy or even a slice of it. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to be getting better. I don’t deserve anything. Not the coffee I’m drinking right now not the bed, even though it is a twin, that I’m sleeping in right now. I MEAN NOTHING! Yet I can’t do anything. Existence,. How do I make anything happen. What is it that I deserve. I feel like… I can’t even explain.

As you’ve seen above… Let’s try to go there right…

The Positives of The Day

  1. I’m not strong enough anymore… But I am really trying and with that if I’m trying I must be doing
  2. I weigh 125 pounds but they could be good or bad
  3. I’ve read the police report at least I got to go on an outing even though I’m in black out
  4. If I ever thought I want to be single… Hey I’ve got my wish

To Do’s for The Day

  1. Fuck all
  2. I just don’t know
  3. Put on my stoic face and fake it
  4. Pretend to be a version of me, I do that well – I do that all the time
  5. Try to find a shred of anything that looks like me, feels like me… I know I’ve been there
  6. I feel like I should take down the pictures of my family, they’re gone now. No sense in just staring at them all the time.
  7. Think about where I need to move, where I want to move. I know it’s Phoenix area, but where?
  8. Get rental car drive around Phoenix, get my job back, I don’t know when I’m gonna be able to rent a car?

I need some stamps and envelopes I will get with Jess later. I am thankful for the ladies I’m surrounded by. However if I didn’t have the transit down to just give a little cake so I don’t curl in a ball! I understand why people do downer drugs like serious opioids. Just explain why people do it and why at the police department. – I get it I’m so low. Lower than low! I’m going to make it I know it. Why… Because there is some thing in me there’s some thing and yet everything to fight for. I’ve just never been here before and I’ll find a way out I know it.

Recognizing and Releasing Our Resentments

“We wanted to look our past in the face, see it for what it really was, and release it so we can live for today.”

You know sometimes were giving homework and nobody really wants to follow up on that. There’s just so much to learn sometimes! Yet, I am here (I to do love homework and assignments – I love being studious) and are recognizing hand releasing our resentments I believe it’s step 4 and 5.

So yeah you can say whatever! I can’t resent what I can’t remember. And I want to be able to resent it. And I can’t release what I’ve broken. 18 hours of labor so proud of my son. So much love for him! So many different smiles smirks and even is a little devious luck. I’ve ruined or I feel like I’ve ruined my little man’s life I know I ruined his father‘s life. Resentment and releasing. That’s really hard I know I’ve looked at the steps I just don’t know when I’ll be ready to do the releasing of the resentments. I can definitely recognize them, releasing is just a bit harder right now.

So “happiness is reality minus expectations“.”

“Let go of what you can control.”

Sometimes I wish I was a logical man!

Olivia said her mom tells he this, to get Olivia’s shit together. Or I suppose when she’s just sad and she can’t wrap our head around what she needs to do…”I really wallowing in self-pity right now?”

Yes yes I am wallowing in self-pity and no just rolling with it, I don’t think will happen!

So right now I don’t think there is a God. Because no God would allow a mother to act the way I did. Blacked out or not. I don’t know what to do? My Thursday – wow! I don’t deserve to be a mom? That’s what the consensus seems to be. So I feel like I’m the worst mom ever! If even being the worst mom ever is a possibility! Whatever happens… I guess so. Just roll with it, it’? That’s apparently the consensus just roll with it, and that’s from all the guys in group therapy today and in group today.

Big bug, page 86 through 87… “We must be OK internally and we can change ourselves and deal with external issues.”

So here’s my doodle of what I am feeling….

Find out the internalization, stop long enough to figure out what the problem is drive from – and why it is there? Well I already know the answer to that. On a lot of levels. I just can’t shake my feelings.

Nutrition Class aka

2–4 PM Life Skills Cooking Group With Julie

Yogurt breaded chicken, roasted vegetables, homemade french fries, and green beans with onions and cashews.

The meal was delicious very yummy and cost less than $24 for the whole meal. That’s a lot of leftovers too.

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