Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

“You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed or unworthy. You were created to be victorious.” – Unknown

Today is grocery ordering day. We get $90 a week to order groceries. Because it’s a life skill we have to keep within our budget and order enough food to eat for the week. We have to make our own food and we can’t share. Sometimes we do have family dinners or we make enough for everybody to eat but for the most part there is no sharing.

Grocery List

• Better
• A small block of sharp cheddar cheese
• Pasta
• Sharp shredded cheddar cheese
• Milk
• Sugar
• Brownie mix (turtle)
• Butter popcorn
• Hard candy, lots of chocolate
• Cherry Coke
• 2-1/2 gallons of ice cream – much needed I can’t stop living off ice cream and chocolate… oh, and Oreo cookies
• Root beer or 7-Up
• Spreadable cheese like pub cheese or port wine cheese
• Lipton peach tea I know I won’t drink it that often but it reminds me of Connor and it makes me happy
• Bottled water
• Crystal light packets
• Eggs
• Vegetable oil
• q-tips
• Creamer
• Hot Cheetos
• Hairspray non-aerosol since we can’t have aerosol cans
• Maple syrup
• Kroger brand – but lays type potato chips
• Lipton onion soup mix
• Cucumber
• Sour cream
• Ranch dressing
• Chocolate syrup
• Brown sugar
• Strawberries lots of strawberries
• Stouffer‘s French bread pizza
• Dollar frozen meals

4:30 AM I slept from 9:30 PM to 3:37 AM. Watched impact Church on TV last night from 6 to 7 PM. Impact Church is located in Scottsdale. It was a really good sermon, “God, get me out of this.” Try not to think about my family, as what I’m really focused on. Every morning I listen to Joyce Myers with Mary. Somehow, every time I hear anything/stories/sermon about God or Jesus it seems to relate to someone/something is trying to tell me some thing is a sign or sermon? Or an omen? Is this for my soul?

Wrote a letter to Mike yesterday and will mail it today he won’t care, but I can’t think without talking to him, it just doesn’t seem right. Whatever is choice is to read or not read. Read and tell me to fuck off. No matter, it’s in the universe. I’m not going to lie or manipulate anymore.

Monday is always a full day and it’s Monday again. Thank goodness all that free time this weekend was killing me.

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally today?

It’s clearing up a little bit my brain that is

How am I feeling physically?

Healthy really feeling good. I may be restless but I’m good

How am I feeling spiritually?

Something is / hearing more / more open and receptive

What are my goals for the day?

Work on me and that the family stuff kinda go a little bit and not to dwell on it

What is my gratitude/greatness/affirmation for the day?

I need to put it out in the universe so I’m going to see me. “Me“ today because I need to start to feel like I am enough

Daily reading with Jess

“Recovery is reality for us today.”

Avni wrote me a love note on my journal why I was trying to write… That girl makes everything seem OK right now she’s such a good soul.

“I pray that you will continue to get more clarity and put in the work to fulfill why you were here. Always here for you my sober sis! You were OK and everything will be. Stay open and allow the universe to bring you love and help. You are enough and you’re worth a beautiful sober life”. ❤️ Avni☀️

My Positives for The Day

Be yourself, be true! Be who you want to be!

1. My eyes aren’t as bloodshot as they were
2. I feel a lot healthier
3. I want to work on myself and not worry about Mike anymore
4. I have a bright outlook for today

“Oh father, how I thank you that my help comes from you, the maker of heaven and earth.” psalms 121:2

Appointments for today: 1 PM with Gregson

9 to 10 AM Science of addiction

Addiction and how well we understand and know what addiction is with our brain and our neurons etc.

1015 to Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

Relapse

Be aware of your mistake. Why is it so important to learn from our mistakes

• It will change who you are
• It is painful but worth the lesson
• It will help with sobriety to look at the past
• The further away it is for attics doesn’t always happen

Chronic relapse individuals who choose not to learn from their mistakes

• It’s like they’re playing a game
• But it’s only a game of time
• When people are gone they tend to try to get away with it
• Knowing you’ll get caught and still trying to get away with it

All we have is time. Time is very precious.

Sobriety the choice is ours.

Just because we’re without does not mean we can exchange it for other things for example alcohol to speed or other drugs. We need to be able to recognize our past mistakes and learn from them we need to have more than just willpower. We need to identify personal triggers and plan around them avoid them and accept them so we can move on. Relapse warning signs are precursors leading to it.

Addictive thinking patterns which of my triggers. I have to have control and I need to have a order and when that doesn’t happen I will tend to drink to calm my anxiety. I need to not think that I am right or than I am not enough. My last trigger is opportunity. If I have an opportunity sometimes I’ll take it. I know the risk involved but sometimes I just I feel that I need to and I will use that opportunity whether Mike and Connor go to jujitsu or go to a sporting event or even Boy Scouts if I have that opportunity and I’m just I’m way too anxiety stricken or just mentally not OK, I will take that opportunity. I’ve done it 1 million times. Make me think I relapsed twice is what he told the police officers and the police report, but I never relapsed. I couldn’t stop.

We need to be held accountable. If I can’t be left alone at the grocery store then I’m going to need Mike to go with me. And it’s not then I’ll buy it because I don’t all the time and if I do I tend to use my own money. I think it would be more about trust issues and if I can’t be trusted, I do believe my accountability has a lot to do with trust. I also need to be accountable for the control in the order. I’m not alone in the house there are two other able bodies and quite frankly they’re always willing to help I just never allow them to and I let my anxiety and everything get the best of me when I should just sit down and relax. I can’t tell you how many countless times Connor just want to crawl up on the couch and lay his head on me and we’re sitting there watching TV and I can last about five minutes before I think I have 50 things I need to get done laundry cleaning you name it etc.

Post Acute with Symptoms a.k.a. P.A.S.

• Not being able to sleep or not sleeping enough
• Anxiety and depression
• Memory issues
• Coordination
• Cognitive thinking
• And sweats sweating night sweats sweating profusely

Old routines and habits we need to change the schedule. We need to watch for people, places and things. It should be a healthy balance time being with certain people. Time being with just myself. We need to be with our self in a healthy way. Having a schedule and a routine helps. We need to deal with our past our mistakes and our choices. We need to address our shame while dressing a shame we need to address our guilt.

I guess I’m gonna do some genome therapy today. It’s actually not therapy it’s all about your family history and your media pattern your schools your experiences and tries to give a reason as to why you’re a fucked up addict. I did it and there’s really truly not much that just makes me an addict yeah there’s some family history but I don’t necessarily believe that it’s a gene I get that it’s a disease but I don’t know that it’s a gene I’m not sure though I don’t know all the signs behind it maybe I’ll do some research and put it in.

2 to 3:30 PM Team building with Troy, BHT

I really enjoy teambuilding it’s super fun and I love it and it’s always a nice break we all get together and we do different things to bond and have teambuilding with each other and try to figure out different strategies or different ways to solve a puzzle building things or trying to memorize and come back and have other people participate to get the same answers up and try to memorize some things so we all get the same answers like a scavenger hunt it’s super fun I really enjoy it Troy is a great guy.