Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

“It does not matter how slow you go as long as you don’t stop.” – Confucius

Slept 6.25 hours. They are giving me trazodone 100 mg to sleep trazodone is a low-grade depression medication it is also used for sleep and higher dosages by the time it is 730 to 8 PM anxiety depression, overwhelming sadness, not necessarily anger – but needing quiet and with 220+ year olds who having a care in the world. Living with them that is. Now they are wonderful, but fuck! I digress! I think the trazodone was keeping me in check until right before I take it in around 8:30 PM thank goodness because at least i’m not falling out of a twin bed. I sleep about six hours from 10 PM to about four 4:30 AM maybe even 5 AM. And I am always well-adjusted with a little help. That said, I told Kendra yesterday there’s only two ways this is going to go. I affirm that both is to be sober for the rest of my life. However, one will be sober with my family and the other will be sober alone. I said I am at a Fork right now and decision is an all together mine in that regard. Being sober yes but not or shall I say sober with or without my family. This choice is mine I didn’t choose booze over my family I chose not being vulnerable to the person “my person”, Mike. My husband is such an amazing person who would do anything for me all I had to do was talk. I love talking to him. Why was I such a shell of a person. I just broke my 6‘5“ man, my man. I listen to that voicemail Mike left me on the phone (cellphone) On April 7, 2022 over and over and over again until they finally took my phone away when I enter this treatment center. Mike said he loved me talking to me and miss talking to me. I felt love and guilty at the same time from the time you left until now. Today is day number six in treatment Saturday at least on the weekends we have 5 to 6 hours of free time. Maybe too much for the sprain but I can do this.

Daily Focus. 9:30 AM

How am I feeling mentally?

I’m fair I guess I’m just OK.

How am I feeling physically?

Fine like my mental health just fair and OK.

How am I spiritually?

Same answer to the above just there I mean OK I don’t know who’s listening or if they even want to listen to me and my prayers.

What are my goals for the day?

I just wanna write. Write and write and write and write. Just to get it off just to get it out.

What is my greatness my gratitude and my affirmation?

As always they put up with me and especially yesterday I was a jerk I was in my own head and I was sad I was having my own personal pity party and all I just wanted to do was be in it and right. So my greatest my greatness my gratitude and my affirmation goes to Mary Olivia and Mia thank you guys so much.

Work for the day: God/religion we cover it with a different approach to spirituality

“All I need is to know about my higher power is that he will help me stay clean“

“God doesn’t hate you he’s just taking away what you didn’t need“ – Dave(gentleman at recovery/residential with us – funny ass short short dude.

Thinking about religion and higher power I just drew hey sword and a prince crown and put my boy right next to it and I miss you I miss you so much handsome man and I miss every year you were saying all life that was amazing you’re just so wonderful I love you my love.

I have any scribbled out my journal entry and says I love you sober sister Avni. Right back at you girlfriend, you are the best!

So I feel like the worst mom in the world completely. So I wrote my son a little letter…

My dear son,

My beautiful handsome boy! I replay you hitting the ball on Thursday evening. Your infectious laugh and giggle. Your freckles on your face, your bright blue eyes and of course your toes, those amazing toes. You were so smart and funny. Once you didn’t want to go to tae kwon do you were 3 1/2 years old because you wanted to play with Christopher down the street. I was on the phone with your dad and when I got off the phone I went to get you you weren’t there. You weren’t in your room. I thought you were playing hide and seek with me. He love to play that with memy boy, my beautiful handsome boy! I replay you hitting the ball on Thursday evening. Your infectious laugh and giggle. Your freckles on your face, your bright blue eyes and of course your toes, those amazing toes. You were so smart and funny. Once you didn’t want to go to tae kwon do you were 3 1/2 years old because you wanted to play with Christopher down the street. I was on the phone with your dad and when I got off the phone I went to get you you weren’t there. You weren’t in your room. I thought you were playing hide and seek with me. He love to play that with memy boy, my beautiful handsome boy! I replay you hitting the ball on Thursday evening. Your infectious laugh and giggle. Your freckles on your face, your bright blue eyes and of course your toes, those amazing toes. You were so smart and funny. Once you didn’t want to go to tae kwon do you were 3 1/2 years old because you wanted to play with Christopher down the street. I was on the phone with your dad and when I got off the phone I went to get you you weren’t there. You weren’t in your room. I thought you were playing hide and seek with me. He love to play that with me. I looked for you and then started frantically calling your name – you weren’t there. I ran outside only to see Rod standing there with you and Chris I ran down the street (Thanked Roz). I grabbed your hand and swatted your butt repeatedly all five houses home. Your face, your tears – I was crushed. I only swatted your bomb a few times but never ever harmful at all.

You were so good, so wonderful. Besides being a little lazy you don’t need anything but to be told something verbally.

I should’ve never scolded you, ever I can never apologize for what I’ve done.

I believe you should be a boy and your dad shares too much and treats you too much like an equal or a friend more than a parent. Please know it was incredible inappropriate for him to allow you and our argument, to allow you to scream at me. I reacted as a parent with a screaming inappropriate teenager (I have been smacked on many occasion by your grandmother).

What I did was wrong because I was drinking both myself was wrong and your dad. I will not promise a scolding if you’re inappropriate but I won’t ever ever scold you while drinking again ever again. I will never drink again. You are too important to me.

I love you so much. I will miss you on Mother’s Day. That will break my heart, but one Mother’s Day learning to be a better sober mom is worth it.

I love you forever my prince,

Mom

PS. Your grandma if she says no! She is full of shit. She can’t remember a lot and when she does it’s not accurate. Just think Wickenburg.

130 to 3:30 PM Creative Expressions

We’re collaging like “the secret” visualize what you want. It was hard – I did it when I was younger and it seemed easier. I like the way it turned out though. I guess it will be my only artwork living alone. My vision board has a Picture of a person writing a book. It shows togetherness and three sets of bare feet on a big bed. It also has healthy living having a cup of tea and reading a book.

The depression is hitting me hard and it’s only 4:02 PM. I can’t leave. Not even take a walk. My body wants to launch out of its fucking skin. There’s nowhere to go, I can’t clear my head. The anxiety is killing me! My heart rate is high. I’m still not eating. If I could just get some exercise. Maybe I’d be OK. I have to stop reliving everything. All we do is class after class after class/van ride after van ride after van ride/sleep/wake and all over again.I don’t think I can manage nine more days of black out without even walking up and down the fucking street for chrissakes.