Day 5 April 22, 2022

4:30 AM I just woke up and had a cigarette and made a cup of coffee. Only slept 6.5 hours. I had hope yesterday, but not last night. I said so many prayers. I must admit the inevitable. I’m getting a divorce. I will never see my son. My world as I know it is gone I decided to stop writing daily letters to Mike and Connor. What is the point. I met with my counselor/therapist today, Kendra I’ve already had primary therapy group with her all week from 10:15 AM to 12 PM.

How am I feeling today?

“May“ equals OK but not OK

How am I feeling mentally?

Putting things together and being a pessimist

How am I spiritually?

OK but really not OK

What is my goal for the day?

I have absolutely no idea. I just want my brain to stop rehashing and reiterating and going through it over and over and over again. I just really want to focus on getting what I need so I can try to move on. They say that we’re supposed to work on ourselves and only focus on ourselves and be selfish. But selfishness is what got me here. I don’t deserve to be here, I know Mike is being a support as he can be. I just wish he would have some sort of a conversation with me and stop throwing money at me and this type of support.

What is my greatness what is my affirmation what is my gratitude?

The same as it was yesterday just everyone here they’re supportive and wonderful and loving and caring and have great advice they really do and I’m so lucky to be here

Fuck it all today, that’s just how I feel just fuck it all.Bonus question for the day the bonus is just for me why am I here? Because I need help! If I get better . Please dear God help me get better.I like to still be in my world.

Appointments Today:Kendra 1 PM and life skills with just 2:30 PM to 3:30 PM

PrimaryTherapy Group With Kendra

I had fun in group today! I Fridays we play games and listen to old school R&B and rap. Then we colored while we visualized on Thursday.

My Personal Therapy Session with Kendra

I cried. We read intake. Mike will not contact me or Connor cannot as well and “no contact“ is still in place. No family therapy she will call Mike today to give weekly report. There is no hope! I must just move on! It’s just me now!

I need to be more vulnerable with my feelings. I spoke to Mike on the 12th Tuesday, April 2022. He told me we could work it out in a while and he still loved me. My heart is crushed. 22 years together. I just wanted some therapy with him and them and I won’t get that or any. I am sorry for what I did, sad and otherwise. I just wish I knew, I just blacked out. And I’ve never blacked out angry not like that I’m just scared.

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