“…I was taught that the way of progress is neither swift nor easy.” Marie Curie
I slept three hours it’s now very early in the morning 428 to be exact is when I woke up. The sleep machine or white noise machine it helps but not enough. I woke up with the overwhelming and heavy heart. I am fully awake and aware of my surroundings and truthfully I’m OK with being here. Everyone is incredibly nice and there are a lot of rules, but I’m OK with those two. I broke the most sacred rule and vow (probably many due to my drinking). My drinking was like cheating on my husband. He didn’t know I was drinking and I hit it and I lied so it’s like cheating on Mike, in a sense. I hope I can try to focus more on me, and getting better rather than what a horrible person I am.
I wish I could sleep. Mary woke up at 5:30 AM and is helping me cope a bit. I guess there is the first therapy of the day. We are asked these basic questions every morning at our first meeting of the day which is at 8 AM Monday through Friday and 9 AM Saturday and Sundays.
8:20-8:50am Daily Focus
first question is how am I feeling mentally today? I am sad and I am broken.
The next question is how am I feeling physically? I am alive, alert and present.
The third question is how my spiritually? Good I suppose and trying to pray.
The fourth question is what are my goals for the day? to be completely transparent.
An affirmation, gratitude, greatness? I don’t have any today.
Well, I said it – my name is Shannon and I’m an alcoholic. Fuck that was hard I cried when I said my answers out loud.
Announcements for the day:
I have a 12:45pm with the psychiatrist.
9 AM to 9:50 AM Healthy Relationships:
“Strategies to heal relationships”
How to gain back trust.
Stopping isn’t enough.
Reasonable versus Unreasonable Limitations
- Checking in more frequently
- Permitting loved ones to locate you phone with GP, particularly if they can’t reach you and are worried about your safety.
- Making a commitment not to let your phone battery die and respond to calls and messages in a timely manner
- Answering questions about your sobriety, recovery process, or recovery setbacks
- In some circumstances, agreeing to alcohol or drug testing
- In some instances, allowing a loved one to count your medication’s or observe you taking them
- Developing a structured recovery plan or recovery contract and sharing it with select love ones
- Demonstrating that you are engaged in your recovery plan, such as showing that you have been attending recovery activities or taking your medication’s as prescribed
- Excepting more oversight and financial decisions, maybe even having limited access to accounts or credit cards until you have shown that you weren’t buying alcohol or drugs
- Being home by a certain time or checking in if you are going to be late
- not spending time with people you used to use with
- I in some instances, being asked to live somewhere else until you demonstrate that your substance abuse or other hurtful behaviors aren’t threats to a safe and peaceful home
- Having limited access to vehicles if you have a history of driving impaired
- Voluntarily installing a breathalyzer in your vehicle if you have a history of driving impaired
- I not caring for young children without supervision until you have demonstrated your sobriety and ability to make safe caretaking choices
- Being consistently monitored by GPS long into your sobriety
- Being denied access to access to a phone
- Being asked about your sobriety multiple times throughout the day long into your sobriety
- Loved ones asking for detailed report from your treatment team or sponsor
- Being asked to give details about exactly what you are discussing with your treatment team or sponsors
- Being permanently ass to give up custody of your children when you have not engaged in behaviors that were damaging or dangerous to them directly
- Being asked to publicly humiliate yourself as punishment for your past
- Being required to disclose private information about your substance use or addition to people who don’t need to know
- Being asked to prove you’re sorry for your past by disclosing your wrongdoings to others who weren’t directly affected
10:15 AM to 12 noon Group Therapy
Watched Brene Brown “Vulnerability” Ted Talk
Not being enough for me and not allowing oneself to be vulnerable. If you Numb vulnerability you numb joy, numb joy you won’t have gratitude. If you don’t experience pain you will not know joy.
12:45 PM Psychiatrist
No underlying issues except for being an alcoholic. That’s what I told her anyway. I told her I want to craving medicine to help myself and prove to Mike I will not drink again. Oh and some sleep meds I can so I can finally sleep. My guilt keeps me up all night long