Day 12 April 29, 2022

I slept 5.5 hours went to bed a little after 8:30 PM and woke up at 2:33 AM, tossed and turned (as much as you can and a twin bed) and got up around 3 AM-ish. I met marie a minute ago (3:45 AM) near the smoking area. We talked about my therapy session. I feel like an episode of “Snapped” , she laughed and said there’s a section of the big book that has a part about drinking and Jekyll and Hyde. How a brain sometimes switches and what comes out, comes out upside down. She said not to beat myself up over it. I was blacked out and I wasn’t who I am. I feel that further from the truth or how I should honestly feel. I’ll see her in about 20 minutes in the smoking area again and she’ll try to find the pages to read.

I called the sponsor last night who agreed to be my sponsor. I will call her today to set up an appointment, so Monday I am definitely off blackout and can start working out. Calling Carrie was the weirdest shit I’ve ever had to do. It was similar to calling a stranger and asking them to be your new best friend/friend. Needless to say, it was weird and awkward. My voice got tiny and I was stumbling over my own words like a child trying to tell a grown-up something. Hopefully she will tell me and meet me soon.

Last night, after our “big book“ meeting I spoke with Allison who really shared last night – unbelievably so. There are a lot of things I didn’t know about alcohol and how truly one can become such an alcoholic and I mean horrifically so. Allison is a wonderful person who has lost a lot from alcoholism. She has lost her husband, her boyfriend, respect for herself and a sadness that one must live through and with forever. That’s what addiction does. It affects those around us, but effects as forever.

Allison drink to the point (she is not alone, here at Decision Point many women have similar stories) that you must be in bed but you must have a liter in your hand and continue drinking so that you don’t die. We are talking 3.0, 4.0, 5.0 alcohol in your body. I didn’t know that was possible. Yet, in fact, it is. Along with Adderall and Ambien her story was so raw and in detail to the group. Her mom found her and took her to her home. Her mom had to buy her more vodka just to keep her alive. She went to the hospital, then detox before she could even come to a treatment center.

Most by me most I do mean all women here except one who was in jail first. I went to detox, first. They are all in shock I did not. They all find it strange that I called, made arrangements, spoke to my insurance, came and did a pre-assessment, made the appointment to come in, and start treatment. I had a start date and drove my happy ass here. Even more so, I read and did all my research packed exactly what I needed to per the instructions and called to double check if I had any questions on any portion of what to pack, to bring, to expect, and just what kind of treatment I was going to be receiving. No one else had the opportunity to do this or had their eyes crossed and their tees dotted. I do feel bad sometimes and I think I am not worthy to be here given the extremes and stories/truths these women and mental. No matter how they may feel about my truths, the truth remains I will binge drink, hide it, and become an asshole when I do. I’m an alcoholic, maybe not by their definition, but by definition – I never went to the same grocery store, pharmacy, liquor store, or stores in general. I would try to go to different ones. Just like an alcoholic I thought about it prior and I strategize the whole damn thing. That is what an alcoholic does – regardless of amount or quantity. I knew, I had a choice. I could have made myself be known and asked for help. I was afraid I’m here now and I’m doing the work. Kevin said it best, “just focus on your feet planted firmly and know that you were here and this is where you’re supposed to be.“

My name is Shannon… I am an alcoholic.

Positive’s for The Day

  1. No more constipation, nice poops. I know that sounds gross but it was really nice to go to the bathroom. I hope this keeps up
  2. I really do like everyone here
  3. Even though I’m only having 4.5 to 6 hours of sleep every night I do feel refreshed
  4. I’m talking and opening up to my sober sisters and brothers
  5. Get the Apple Brick to to plug in vape/s
  6. Laundry
  7. Iron jacket
  8. Homework from Kendra ‘Fifteen Questions to Help Discover Your Life’s Purpose’
  9. Call Sponsor/make appointment (finger’s crossed)
  10. Start looking at steps

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Krista

How am I feeling mentally?

Really good

How am I feeling physically?

Great

How am I spiritually?

What are my goals for today?

Call my sponsor and make an appointment

What is my gratitude, greatness, affirmation for today?

Mary for being honest and telling me the truth and helping me find my way!

Appointments: No Appointments Today

Thoughts for the day:

“living in the past, living for the present, living for the forward.”

“God won’t give you any more than you can handle.” Not so thought-provoking… seems more than I can!

9 AM to 10 AM Farewell Friday with Troy and Krista

No one this time. Just reviewing our relapse prevention plans.

1015 to 12 noon Primary Therapy with Kendra

So Fridays are supposed to be fun Fridays. Where we color and play games. We listen to old-school 90s R&B, rap and dance music. Have a great conversations. No work, no hard brain work… Just all around fun. Which is therapy in itself.

So here we go again… Another emotional roller coaster with all the women. Why? I don’t understand why women find it so hard to find a resolution! Just be honest and take a little accountability. So here goes…

Jesus Christ! I don’t think some of these group therapies help, at all. Talk about animosity! Every damn time I swear! So today’s bullshit was apparently Allison brought Adderall with her and not only had it but took it on Easter. Let’s just establish I wasn’t here yet. Someone told someone else and a whole shit storm irrupt it. We had to separate into women’s and men’s groups and talk about it for almost 2 damn hours. I just sat there mystified like every other time (I don’t know how many times rep to actually, but it’s happened enough in the two weeks I’ve been here) thinking to myself… “What the actual fuck“!! I entered a treatment facility “adult“ treatment facility for binge drinking and I must sit through two hours, seems daily of complete and sheer chaos utter chaos I should say.thinking to myself… “What the actual fuck“!! I entered a treatment facility “adult“ treatment facility for binge drinking and I must sit through two hours, seems daily of complete and sheer chaos utter chaos I should say. Can’t we just “Adult“ please. Kendra says, “this is part of therapy.“ Besides what I’ve done between losing my family, reading the police report, etc. I have no desire to drink, but by God it has been motherfucking confirmed! I will never drink nor will I ever ever enter a treatment center again. I’m definitely Feeling that I should’ve entered the monastery, SERIOUSLY ! Maybe even a Nunnery, if that’s even a word. For example, by the way this is the best analogy I have (your welcome…pretty witty when I want to be)…

Who took Brian‘s pink crayon? It is OK that Brian colors with a pink crayon. Brian’s pink crayon is missing. Whoever, took Brian‘s pink crayon won’t get in trouble, just please return Brian‘s pink crayon or tell us where Brian‘s pink crayon is. There is no other pink crayon, so the pink crayon needs to be returned.

How did Brian become the sole owner of a pink crayon and everybody else has to look for Brian‘s pink crayon if it is even Brian‘s to begin with. Maybe, just maybe, Brian lost the pink crayon himself and Brian should be the only person looking for his pink crayon. But no one knows…

Oh my motherfucking God! Yet it gets better. We are going to have an ice cream social tonight from all of the “sharing”we did! I just may grab the ice cream and find a corner and sit in it and just cry.

Yep, I put me here! Hot Diggity good times, not! Anyway, I’ve been here, 8 days so I get to do activity and recovery,known as A & R. Thank God an outdoor activity! I’m excited at least for that I just tried to, escape but I’ve been followed.

Well I’ve just been handed 100 coping skills, self-care ideas to manage emotions. Yes indeed, that’s right! Shannon, who can’t seem to, manage her emotions and not wear them on her sleeve. Well if I don’t like something I’m going to tell you all about it. Hence, sitting room for two hours, and; like watching a tennis match watching one side of the room to the other, watching the ladies “share.“ So I left, I walked right out the door and began to pace and shake my hands because I can’t take the anxiety that is inside my body and the animosity that all of this bitching and moaning brings me to my knees. I’ve taken all I can take and much more mentally I do not have the capacity for it. So watching the ladies “share.“ So left, I walked right out the door and began to pace and shake my hands because I can’t take the anxiety that is inside my body and the animosity that all of this bitching and moaning brings me to my knees. I’ve taken all I can take and much more mentally I do not have the capacity for it. So Here goes…

100 Coping Skills, Self-Care Ideas to Manage Emotions

  1. Take a brisk walk
  2. Watch a funny movie and laugh
  3. Go outside
  4. Play with your pet
  5. Take a short nap
  6. Call a friend
  7. Go for a run
  8. Read a book
  9. prayer
  10. write a letter
  11. Practice mindfulness
  12. Go for a ride
  13. Work out
  14. Text to friend
  15. Catch up on Netflix
  16. Listen to music
  17. Yoga
  18. meet a friend for coffee
  19. Deep breathing
  20. Draw picture
  21. Take some quiet time
  22. Read the Bible
  23. Make a gratitude list
  24. Focus on something positive
  25. Sit outside and listen to the sounds of the birds, crickets, etc.
  26. Count to 10 slowly
  27. Say something nice to yourself
  28. Search for funny Memes
  29. Talk to someone who inspires and encourages you
  30. Think of a funny memory
  31. Get plenty of rest
  32. Eat a healthy snack
  33. Set a goal and accomplish it
  34. Encourage someone else
  35. Do something nice for someone
  36. Paint
  37. Make yourself a list of your positive traits
  38. Doodle
  39. Go shopping
  40. Turn up the music and dance around the room or the house
  41. Journal
  42. Turn up the music and dance around your room or house
  43. Color
  44. Work on a puzzle
  45. Complete and find a word puzzle
  46. Play a board game with family/friends
  47. meditate
  48. Rip a paper
  49. Write everything down that is causing you stress and shred it up
  50. Plant a garden
  51. flowers
  52. take pictures of something you love
  53. Play with Play-Doh
  54. Squeeze a stress ball
  55. Blow bubbles
  56. Play with kids
  57. Play a sport
  58. Go to library
  59. Paint your nails
  60. Take a bubble bath
  61. Read a magazine
  62. Take a warm shower
  63. Write a poem
  64. Septi
  65. Read inspirational quotes
  66. Do a craft project
  67. Have a cup of coffee
  68. Watch funny YouTube videos
  69. Bake cookies
  70. Write down your thoughts
  71. Make a to do list
  72. Tell someone you love them
  73. Organize something
  74. Clean your room
  75. Listen to relaxing music
  76. Take a break
  77. Work for 10 minutes then take a 10 minute break
  78. take a vacation day
  79. Go to the zoo
  80. Go to the animal shelter in pet an animal
  81. Go window shopping
  82. Tell someone how you’re feeling
  83. See a movie
  84. Enjoy your delicious dessert
  85. Sit or lie down and focus on relaxing all your muscles
  86. Read a story to a child
  87. Go for a hike
  88. Take a pottery class
  89. Go for a swim
  90. Go to a museum
  91. Do a Crosstitch
  92. Visit an elderly person
  93. Make a cake for someone
  94. Get some fresh air
  95. Listen to a creek flowing
  96. Go to the gym
  97. Schedule time for yourself
  98. Go on a date
  99. Finish a project
  100. Sew

2:30 PM to 4:45 PM Activities and Recovery with Troy

An hour was great. At first, when we arrived at the Park I was flooded with so much emotion of being there with Mike and my son. So many different times, that my son and I were just there together. I took that time to take in a deep sorrowful than a pleasant breath. I walked, while everyone else played bocce ball and Badminton, around and then laid in the grass the sun on my face and my body with the wind blowing and birds chirping. I could hear random conversations, but it was peaceful! So peaceful! I just laid still for an hour! I can’t remember the last time I actually sat still. I prayed a little, well a lot, but not all at once and did some meditation it was wonderful!

I wish Mike and my son could just see me relax. Just lay down for an hour and not move not say a thing just be. I’m seeming to every once in a while do that it’s intermittent but I’m trying my brain just keeps going 1,000,000 miles a minute. I will get there but I do enjoy just the peacefulness. Again so many times Mike and my son asked me to just sit and relax and watch a movie I never did. Mike sometimes just asked me to lay Next to him and just take a nap or just be but I could only do it maybe for 10 minutes. How sad is that all this coming and me and no one to share it with. I did it to myself, I know. I was the catalyst, I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad for myself while I’m working on myself.

Homework from Kendra: ‘Fifteen Questions to Help Discover Your Life’s Purpose’

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