The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It’s a perpetual wound.”– Maureen Duffy
No sleep. Wrote a letter to Mike for him when he picks up the F350. I left went to Walgreens pick up Mascara and arrived at 10 am to check myself in to an In-Patient Treatment Facility. There is no family to send me off, no one to call, it’s only me. I’m lost and scared.
It was, however many years leading up to this day. I knew this day would come, but the real gravity of the situation that scared me. Who am I? What have I done? Those two sentences haunt me and will forever. I don’t believe anything will be okay nightmare I created. I destroyed my entire life my marriage I broke a wonderful husband and I shattered a 13-year-old boy. I don’t know if I will ever recover. Not from this.
I will not drink ever again, I know I will recover from that and I know I’ll be OK. When you enter a facility treatment center a lot goes on that you don’t see in the movies. You don’t see the person who comes in broken full of shame overwhelmed with her situation and just generally sad. I was definitely all of those and I’m sure more descriptive words as I was evaluated. There were many assessments upon arrival. I saw nurses, clinician’s, a psychiatrist, administration, and residential personnel. I did get many cigarette breaks in between them all, which allowed me to met for the first time other men and women at the treatment center.
Little did I know that these men and women would become very close-friends, confidant’s, and many lifelong best friends. My husband showed up somewhere between the first two hours I was there I could hear the rumble of the F350 in the parking lot he came just to pick up the truck Maybe he had to sign some paperwork I don’t know all I do know is he came and he went not a word to me not a word at all. That’s where my story feels at it’s saddest at the moment.
It was genuinely then I knew or I do know that my husband will never speak to me again. Divorce at this point is eminent. I lost the love of my life, the strongest man I know I just broke into 1 million pieces that love that he held so strong for me I broke it and it’s gone forever. I wasn’t very emotional. However, I was incredibly transparent. I told the truth about everything. As I told the truth not hiding any of it my guilt got worse. Because I should’ve told it to the one person that meant the most to me Mike. He is the most incredible man and I have devastated him I want to tell him everything I don’t want my relationship with him to end. My beautiful son, I put up pictures of that handsome boy. I can’t believe I shattered my son. I can’t believe Mike let him yell at me. That’s the only thing I genuinely remember. I can’t remember most of the parts of what happened on the Saturday night eight nights before
My day so far… Everyone says the first three days are hard. Today was really OK all of the ladies here are very nice. I wasn’t very emotional today. However, I was incredibly transparent. I told the truth about everything. As I told the truth, not hiding any of it my guilt got worse. I should’ve told it to the one person that meant the most to me Mike.
I’m sharing a room with an older lady. Her name is Mary she’s 65 and an alcoholic too. One side of this apartment complex is for the men and the other side for the women. We make all of own meals so I’m told. I ate today for the first time since tacos last Saturday, April 9. I ordered Uber twice this last week but my guilt and sadness was so over the top I just couldn’t eat. They got me a 6 inch BMT and I ate half of it. I guess that’s good for now and may be a good sign. It’s gonna be lights out in a minute until tomorrow I hope I sleep. I desperately need sleep.