April 27, 2022 A letter to my Husband

Letter’s Never Sent:

Dear Mike,

I will plead guilty to everything. I don’t ever remember blacking out that bad or black out anger like that. I promise I will never talk to you, write you, call you or try to be near you both ever again. You both deserve so much better.

I have read the police report. What have I done.

I don’t deserve any of this… Not to be here or anywhere for that matter. Thank you for trying.

You can stop loving me and My son too. I am not having a pity party, either. This is none of the sort. I physically can’t breathe. I can’t fix this. I am so fucked and fucked up in my head.

Please get me divorce papers, I don’t want you to have to be responsible. I thought people could at least crawl out of rock bottom, but this is too far. I have lost everything I don’t know if I am even saying anymore. I believe I’m in a treatment center, but I don’t know why anymore. What for there is nothing. I have nothing

It’s too hard to imagine not hugging my child, not seeing him smile, or hearing his voice. Watching him grow. Eighth grade graduation. First girlfriend. High school. Then there is you. Someone loving you, talking to you, holding your hand. I was never so in love, please know that.

No, there is no hope. I’m just broken. Mike, I’m just shutting down mentally and physically. Your friends are right, “why do you put up with her.“ You shouldn’t and never will again.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to drink, I just don’t want to do this. I am not enough. God I’ve never been enough. Not for you, definitely not for Connor. I will never stop loving you I will never stop loving Connor. I’m just not enough. I know you let me go. That’s OK let me go! Let me go to! 22 years gone in an instant.

Love you always,


Your words “I’m done!“ Voice and text keep repeating in my brain. God I’m so sorry, I’m done too! I’m sorry, I’m so goddamn sorry.

Special note: This is just how I’m feeling right now it does not mean I will act upon it.

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