April 20, 2022 A letter to my Husband and my Son

Alcoholics Anonymous, “The Big Book”, Part Two, Chapter 3, The Housewife Who Drank at Home… “She hit her bottles in her clothes hampers and dresser drawers. In AA, she discovered she had lost nothing and found Everything.”

Letter’s Never Sent

Dear loves,

Well I found out something interesting today. I’m not alone. Mary Avni and Allison all drink vodka. I was talking about when I would binge I would hide it and the bad thing is Mike would find it over and over every other every to every three months. They all laughed at me and said that’s what we would do. Even the way if they didn’t get caught how they got it out of the house. How their husbands all had the same reactions. That’s when Mary said that’s what alcoholics do and Avni and Allison agreed.I thought Danielle taught me some super secret really bad and now detrimental idealism. No, I thought I was the only piece of shit out there that binge drink and had a horrible mean streak! I’m so glad I’m here.

I’m at lunch now from noon until 2 PM. Then I’ll track zone craving meds started today, and there’s no nausea. That’s a really great thing!

I must admit the first time I said it and was completely truthful; yes, I will get to it, and past days saying and every time I speak or am addressed, has a sigh of relief and yet owning. My name is Shannon and I am an alcoholic.

Today really fucked me up. Actually first group of the morning that is, where we must answer four questions dailyAnd then either say a greatness for the day or an affirmation or a gratitude.

How am I feeling mentally?

Broken. Sad. Overwhelmed with guilt and despair.

How am I feeling physically?

Tired. As I walk it seems every step is hard to take.

How am I feeling spiritually?

I don’t even know if a prayer will be answered by God, but I try.

What are my goals for the day?

Trying to forgive myself enough so maybe today I can work a little bit on me.

Affirmation, greatness, gratitude?

The overwhelming love I get from all of you. Thank you, you guys are really amazing.

Then we break into a page of what they call “The great book” guidelines and thoughts worldwide. Today’s topic was detachment. “Addiction is a family disease, but we can only change ourselves”. That “got me but it was what was underneath that saddens me all over again. I still feel guilt and shame and I’m overwhelmed my behavior and admitting addiction. If you want to read it you can.

We went to three other groups of the morning and anger management was enlightening to say the least on how my anger plays out when drunk and brain shuts down backslashblackout that occurs. How to deal with anger in general was interesting as well. Some people drink when angry and that leads to it and finding trauma. Anyway I’m babbling on… It was the latter I found insightful of which I never fucking want to do again. Well lunch is over and I need to go back to classes.

They have certain classes to teach people life skills. So I had a nutrition class today. Well not exactly nutrition more like cooking snacks. That’s what we did today was a peanut butter Powerball and granola bars. They were really good. It made me forget my heart for a little bit, that was nice.

Hope you are doing good sweet boy! Did you hit any home runs yet? I bet you have! Just have a good time. I know or remember that you have an order of the arrow camp this weekend. I believe so anyway? Have a wonderful time! Don’t forget to bring your yearbook money to school. As people leave for different high schools you’ll look, more often than not, at the eighth grade yearbook this is the yearbook everyone writes more into then your other lower grades. Love you!

Love,

Shannon

PS. Have a great day tomorrow!

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