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Day 45 June 1, 2022

Slept six hours I slept off and on last night I kept waking up I think I had bad dreams, But with the trazodone I can’t tell whether I dream or not. I just felt like I had nightmares! Ran downstairs and got my phone at 5:30 AM. I have my phone until 630 and I’m gonna plug away at the computer. I still have more to do and will get that accomplished soon.I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that. I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that.

How am I feeling mentally?

stressed out, but excited

How am I feeling physically?

restlessmess

How am I feeling spiritually?

I keep praying

What are my goals for the day?

follow my exit list I made

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike for this next step in recovery

Each Day A New Beginning

Daily Meditation Guide for Woman

By Karen Casey

“One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach; one can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.“ – And Morrow Lindbergh

Being selective and choosing activities, and choosing friends, and choosing material possessions fosters unexpected appreciation. Too much of any one thing negates whatever specialness might have been realized. If we surround ourselves with acquaintances, we never fully share in knowing if you people well. If surrounded ourselves with “toys”, we never learned how to really want to spend our time.

When we don’t take life too slowly, piece by piece one shell at a time, we avoid the greatest discovery of all, the person within. When our attention to persons, places, things is deliberate and steady, the beauty within the object of our focus shines forth, and we, too, I made more beautiful in the process.

Today, I will take time to smell the flowers

On our last day at Decision Point we’re not allowed to go to classes and we have to wait until 2 PM to leave to get our phone and do our final check out and then someone has to come and pick us up. So I have most of the day to get different chores, packing meeting with doctors, meeting with nurses, and final residential exit.

My leaving to do list

  • wash bed linens
  • Pack up clothes
  • Pack up shoes
  • Pack up all stuff
  • Clean all drawers, closet, floors, underneath all furniture
  • Relabel all of my food, pack whatever food I want and clean off my pantry shelves
  • Meet with psychiatrist
  • Meet with nurses for my meds
  • Figure out transportation
  • Do residential discharge
  • Get my phone
  • Get dressed and ready
  • Say all my goodbyes
  • Leave

According to Jess yesterday, she said that Mike was waiting until 12 noon today to make a final decision. So far I’m not sure where I’ll be going I know I’ll be going somewhere and I’m not sure how I’ll be getting there. I contemplated running a car however I don’t have enough funds at my disposal for the deposit the car yes deposit no. So I’m incredibly nervous my stomach is turning leaps and bounds. I wonder how long he’ll keep punishing me for.

It’s nice when no one’s around I have the music on really loud while I do my cleaning and packing no one will be back to the apartment until around noon from lunch break so I have a good three hours to get everything I need accomplished.

So, Hannah, from Camelback, called the residential area. Apparently she’s been trying for quite some time to get a hold of me. Mike’s decided on Camelback recovery but he has “hard lines“ or rules that matter he must have full ROI access. He must have full access to my bank account and I am not allowed to spend any money out of my bank account. Also all payments have to go through my bank account because if I leave I am financially or fiduciaries responsible. We were having difficulty getting all the documents emails for me to sign to get back to them. Just a fiasco meanwhile I had to see doctors and nurses I’m still not completely packed. Maybe I should’ve started packing last night but I wanted to hang out with the girls.

So I’m ready to leave and there’s no transportation. Mike had not paid or called for any transportation for me to get to and from Prescott to Phoenix. Mary Anne, the owner of Decision Point, kindly paid for a Groome Transportation Phoenix Airport Shuttle so I could get down there. I got my phone, I did my residential check out, hopped in the residential minivan, and got to Groome and they wouldn’t take me.

They didn’t want to take me because of the amount of stuff I had. By this time my uneasy feeling has become completely flourished. Somethings wrong is going to happen. Something just doesn’t feel right about this.I have that feeling where wrong choices have been made and I’m going to regret making any suggestion to Camelback Recovery sober living.

The woman and Groome Transportation kept arguing with me and I kept pleading is there anyway that I can do anything can we solve this problem. I even offered because I still had $100 of what Mike left me of $200 when I got to Decision Point for petty cash. Eventually she went and she asked the manager and he said just this one time as long as the bus driver agrees and he did he felt sorry for me. I guess a lot of the sober living in treatment centers where I’m located have a tendency to just drop off and dump people there with all their belongings to get sent back onto an airport or wherever there is they may go and groom transportation is sick of it.

It was a nice quiet drive on the way down I just listen to music with my beats that I haven’t been able to listen to since I got to Decision Point and got dropped off at whatever terminal a number I was supposed to be. I waited over two hours to get picked up because Mercedes one of the House manager’s kept getting lost and couldn’t figure out the airport system. So yes I eventually got picked up. We drove to her in the airport to the house in Scottsdale and started to unload my stuff. As we entered into the garage I was introduced to one of the gals there who is not nice at all. Women typically are bitchy so I’m brushing it off for now. I’m hoping tomorrow when she actually meets meets me things will change. I’m kind of exhausted from the day so I’m gonna get a little unpacked and go to bed for now until tomorrow.

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Day 37 May 24,2022

“We loose the fear of making decisions, great and small; that we realize that should our choice be wrong we can, if we will, learn from experience.” – Bill W

*My Family Scuplt Today

Slept 5.5 hours, it’s 3:30 AM I have so much anxiety, not even the anxiety meds seem to be helping. They probably are – I’m just beyond it at this point. Today’s a new day, perhaps I will get some much-needed answers. I need to write my mile long to do list. Knowing I’m here and nothing will easily or timely or time allotted get finished, but I strive to do so – no pun intended.

I slept OK. It’s just the mornings when I get up I remember where I am and how I got here. My situation doesn’t gradually creep into existence, and abruptly shocks and stands. Is the worst nightmare I’ve ever had to come to floo Asian, every morning! It’s more overwhelming than the laundry monster. So I’m always in a discontentedly shitty ass mood every day. It’s all my doing which makes it even worse… There is no deflecting this shit show I created!

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

OK

How am I feeling physically?

OK

How am I feeling spiritually?

Would like to be more connected today

What are my goals for the day?

I have some PHP to do today

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mary Avni Lorenzo Dave and Jake not to mention Gregson

Just for Today – May 24

“As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.”

Basic Text, p. 81

Rather than risk vulnerability, many of us have developed habits that keep others at a safe distance. These patterns of emotional isolation can give us the feeling we are hopelessly locked behind our masks. We used to take risks with our lives; now we can take risks with our feelings. Through sharing with other addicts, we learn that we are not unique; we do not make ourselves unduly vulnerable simply by letting others know who we are, for we are in good company. And by working the Twelve Steps of the NA program, we grow and change. We no longer want or need to hide our emerging selves. We are offered the opportunity to shed the emotional camouflage we developed to survive our active addiction.

By opening ourselves to others, we risk becoming vulnerable, but that risk is well worth the rewards. With the help of our sponsor and other recovering addicts, we learn how to express our feelings honestly and openly. In turn, we become nourished and encouraged by the unconditional love of our companions. As we practice spiritual principles, we find strength and freedom, both in ourselves and in those around us. We are set free to be ourselves and to enjoy the company of our fellow addicts.

Just for today: I will openly and honestly share with another recovering addict. I will risk becoming vulnerable and celebrate my self and my friendship with other NA members. I will grow.

I’m not as vulnerable as one would expect. I am always afraid of opening up. It comes from my childhood – I tell the truth and was always challenged, hurt, gotten in trouble. My parents focus so much on me – I wanted to keep my things to myself. It’s not that I don’t trust to tell some, but I can’t tell all! “As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.“

9 to 10 AM Relapse Prevention with Jess and Krista

Mary – Thursday

Avni – Friday

Dave – Friday

Write a letter to my disease:

In class today we’re supposed to write a letter to our disease. They gave us a packet of sample letters to read aloud. And then we were to write her own. I have much more to say in mine but we were given five minutes to write it. I probably will write a much longer one when this is all said and done so I can also say how happy I am that “IT” is gone or “IT” can eat shit.

Fuck you! Svedka!!!!

Sample letters…

My letter…

10:15 to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

So before class started, I was handed the below documents. I about lost my shit. What I was told that all of the information I have given prior as well as asked them to make sure that Mike got it after the court date they did not. I was told today that they won’t contact him because of the court order. I’m not sure why but they said that because there’s an order protection on me they can no longer contact Mike. The staff gave me paperwork on how to put a restraining order on my husband. I was not and I’m not pleased. There is no way I will ever do that. I will not play tit for tat with my husband. For all the love I have for him I won’t do that I am a better person – he may not have respect for me anymore but I will not go to that level or low. I did leave a text telling him we needed a mediator I will leave now and 7 1/2 days and have no financial plan. I’m pretty upset, scared and pissed off

Then the texts begin. I Ask Mike if we can get a mediator and that was not going to fly. He thinks I’m avoiding him. he thinks I’m avoiding the inevitable. He obviously thinks I’m going to come home. I have no plans of that. He told me that my son won’t even talk to me and if I try to talk to him I’m going to prison so the likelihood that I am going to go home now.

And I keep getting threatened about my parents. I’m a grown ass woman I married you so I feel you should take care of me and love me no matter what. it is over….there is no love, understanding, or care. He said he loved me…I can’t trust him, he’s just like my family.

Today in primary therapy group it was my family scope.It was really difficult and there were a lot of tears.

My family scope:

  • Treyson played my husband
  • John C played my son
  • And Lorenzo played my mother

The words to repeat/sentences to repeat over and over in unison are…

  • Treyson: “I talk to you before, you chose booze over your family.“
  • Lorenzo: “why did you do this to my baby boy.“
  • John C: “don’t talk to me ever”

As a repeated simultaneously I started to cry – it was a lot to hear their words repeated to me over and over again. I let it go for one minute, and then I stopped it. The voices I heard loudest and most clear were Treyson and John C, Mike and my son. I then sat down with Treyson in front of me face-to-face and I had to speak to Treyson as if he was Mike acknowledge Mike’s words, fear, and hurt and I didn’t apologize or say sorry saying those words don’t mean anything for me anymore I said I know I destroyed us. I said I will love you forever and never love again, probably never be with another person again. I said I was OK with that and I said I let you go, I want you to leave, if there is no longer a chance… I let you go! Treyson was bawling Mary was bawling Jessica was bawling Cindy with Molly we were all in tears. Treyson and I are opposites in the sense that his wife wouldn’t stop math and his family and friends told him to divorce her. I was his wife and his sculpt a week before and then we did mine. John C then took the seed play my son and I apologize profusely I pleated and balled my fucking eyes out it broke my heart! Then everybody just stood up and hugged me while I was bawling. That was fucking hard.

530 to 7 PM AA Meeting: Meditation at The Methodist Church

I just prayed for an hour and a half. Are you listening? Do you hear me? Are you walking with me? Can I ever be forgiven?

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Day 43 May 30,2022

I slept 5 1/2 hours. It’s 3:40 AM I’m exhausted and tired, sad, anxious, nervous, and depressed! I feel I feel like I just got here to Desicion Point all over again, with all the unknowing, as when I just arrived. I am not nervous to leave here. It is easy to not want to drink at all. Because of what happened and the embarrassment of it all! I am, as it happens excited to go to Scottsdale. I feel like a fresh start is good. I don’t think I will ever come back (live I mean) in Prescott. That’s just too much; too many people involved and I don’t want to be a part of that nightmare.

I get my phone in an hour. Hopefully no nasty messages from Mike. It’s not like I have anyone to call. I don’t want anyone to know. Mike has burnt bridges on behalf of me. Maybe that was wrong to say. He has told people, many people, and I don’t want to ever talk about it. Besides I know deep down it is over, I will never see my son and never be a wife to make again – my son I will fight for. I don’t know that I want to fight for Mike. I know he’s hurt, but his capabilities and actions in this not the man I married, nor am I nor will I ever be the woman he married.

I’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’m stronger I don’t know that Mike will like me anymore.i’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’d like to think that he would like me but I need to change my whole look I want to become the person I was meant to be I have a happiness and I am fulfilled, I feel like I have a purpose I think people want to read what I have to say. Mike probably won’t like that either.

Memorial Day is upon us and today it will be a lot more lax, and chill as for programming. Bonus, we get a barbecue! I’m looking forward to that! I need to finish the pasta salad this morning and give it to John so he can add his magic (the pepperonis and extras) as we split the cost/or groceries to be honestly specific.

It’s 4:50 AM and I need to get ready. I’m going to wear the shirt that Mike bought me one of the shirts I actually like that he brought to me while I was here. I wish you would’ve brought more clothes. As I’m beginning to get ready to order some. A new style for a new me.

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Anxious/sort of good

How am I feeling physically?

Anxious – my body feels it!

How am I feeling spiritually?

Trying and praying for some type of an answer

What are my goals for the day?pppppp

I don’t know I can’t move forward

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Welcome Chase

Just for Today – May 30

“Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone.”

Basic Text, p. 81

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people.

Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous out of the desperate loneliness of our addiction. After coming to meetings, we begin to make new friends, and often our feelings of loneliness ease. But many of us must contend with loneliness throughout our recovery.

What is the cure for loneliness? The best cure is to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of our heart. We find that when we have a belief in a Higher Power, we never have to feel lonely. We can be alone more comfortably when we have a conscious contact with a God of our understanding.

We often find deep fulfillment in our interactions with others as we progress in our recovery. Yet we also find that, the closer we draw to our Higher Power, the less we need to surround ourselves with others. We begin to find a spirit within us that is our constant companion as we continue to explore and deepen our connection with a Power greater than ourselves. We realize we are spiritually connected with something bigger than we are.

Just for today: I will take comfort in my conscious contact with a Higher Power. I am never alone.

9 AM to 11:30 AM Primary Group with Gregson

Because it’s Monday he’s calling it Monday Group Soup! Too funny I love all the soup recipes though it makes all of us kind of happy. I think I am the only person who actually makes all the soup recipes. Well except for the cheeseburger one I already know that one taste like shit. My Connor and I tried it once I had a friend who said it was the bomb and it was definitely a bomb but not in a good sense. It was a definite thumbs down from my family.

Traits I am/I know I am:

loyal, attractive, creative, strong ,resilient, decisive, and tolerant

Traits I wish I was more like and I need to work on:

Friendly, patient, relaxed

Learning about early recovery and cravings – following through with it – sponsors – we need them not to fall into our cravings! We don’t want to do drugs or drink – we are too dependent on her addiction.

What is my spirit animal I didn’t choose and I did a pass in class, but I really think it’s either a butterfly, a ladybug, or a hummingbird. I will Google today and find one – one tell the world as tomorrow I must announce and explain!

Butterfly Spirit Animal:

The butterfly spirit animal symbolizes the psyche, just like the ladybug spirit animal, and how you should be in tune with your emotions and spirit. Spiritually speaking, the butterfly spirit animal signifies resurrection and the need for meditation if you wish to take the road to enlightenment.

But perhaps the most well-known butterfly symbolism is that of rebirth, metamorphosis, and transformation.

This is because the butterfly goes through different stages before it comes out to the world better, stronger, and more beautiful.

This means that your life will also be moving through different stages.

You will also undergo different struggles and take giant leaps so that you can grow, change, and become someone you have never even imagined.

Just like the eagle, the butterfly totem encourages you to have a change in perspective, personality, and personal habits for the sake of your well-being.

If you will never change, you will never see your full potential!

The meaning of the butterfly also indicates playfulness and lightness of being and spirit. Life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time!

Your butterfly spirit animal is reminding you to pause and take a breather, because life is short! Sometimes a different perspective is all you need to ease the heaviness or the tensions that you are experiencing.

The butterfly has bold, bright, and beautiful colors, which symbolize the need to bring joy and happiness into your life. Lighten up and bring more color in and show the world your colorful personality!

Here is why the Butterfly Spirit animal is Lucky for some…

When the butterfly spirit animal appears to you, it means that you are ready to let go of someone or something that has been keeping you shackled.

This has been holding you back, and it will be gone from your life soon!

The butterfly meaning wants to tell you that you are now ready to delve deeper in your journey.

You are now heading to a new level of awareness, and your choices are becoming the catalysts for that transformation that you are looking for in your life.

The butterfly symbolism tells you of your hidden potential. It signals the time for you to spread your wings and fly!

Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/butterfly-spirit-animal/

The Ladybug Spirit Animal:

Symbol of good luck, the ladybug is said to give blessings to those she encounters. Master in the art of metamorphosis, she transforms from a hideous larva to a beautiful insect adorned with bright colors. This totem animal is a powerful ally to make important changes in your life and go through your life’s journey with ease. Let’s discover its encouraging message: Believe in yourself and dare!

What Do Ladybugs Symbolize?

Whether you meet the ladybug in reality or in a dream, it is generally considered a symbol of good luck and happiness.

  • The main meanings of the ladybug are:
  • Good fortune
  • Innocence
  • True love
  • Importance of lightness
  • Changes, even metamorphosis
  • Divine intervention
  • Going beyond illusion
  • A happy resolution to a hassle
  • The miraculous at play in the everyday life
  • The importance of staying alert to avoid pitfalls
  • The need to know yourself well to make the right life choices

Ladybug symbolism is centered around positivity and happiness. Seeing a ladybug is therefore usually considered as a good omen.

The Ladybug, A Symbol Of Luck And Positivity

When the ladybug shows up in your life, it surely signifies that positive change is on the way. This humble-looking spirit animal is a most-trusted ally when it comes to brightening the day and disrupting a gloomy mood our outlook.

This spirit animal brings a breath of fresh air if you’re getting caught in the daily grind or feel things are getting confusing or simply just too dark. Call her as a lucky charm to deal with a tricky situation or relationship, or to get out of your own head if need be!

The ladybug spirit animal has always been a symbol of good luck. If you have a wish that you would like to come true, the ladybug symbolism is an indication that your wish will be granted very soon!

When you chance upon a ladybug, make a wish and watch it fly away and make your wish come true.

Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/ladybug-spirit-animal/

The Hummingbird Spirit Animal:

In case you didn’t know anything about the hummingbird spirit animal, it represents lightness of being. Just like the fly symbolism, the enjoyment of life is also a hummingbird symbolism.

People who have the hummingbird as a spirit animal are being called to enjoy life more and release the negativity wherever it is present.

All these from a fascinating bird that can perform amazing feats which can truly surprise you!

Common Hummingbird Spirit Animal Meanings

The hummingbird meaning is of love and happiness. It represents the miracle of life, and all the wonderful things that make up life.

Just like the hummingbird that flies far and wide, it’s about being able to endure long and arduous journeys with joy and playfulness.

It’s about learning to be independent and being present in the moment.

The hummingbird totem encourages you to enjoy life and keep yourself light and free. Enjoy life because it is fleeting.

Release all the negativities to let the love and light in. Open your life to the good energies so that you can receive more love and joy.

When you have an affinity with the hummingbird, you are also able to move swiftly and think quickly. You glide from one place to the next.

The hummingbird meaning also brings to light the time to show your loved ones how much you truly appreciate and love them.

Do not be so preoccupied with accolades and material wealth, because none of these things matter if you have no one to share them with.

The hummingbird symbolism prompts you to be ready for life’s surprises, and to adapt to any situation, no matter how demanding or challenging.

Learn to fight without harming anyone, and do it simply with the courage and wisdom that you possess.

If Your Spirit Animal is the Hummingbird, read this carefully…

Unlike the elephant, the hummingbird symbolism speaks about love. It’s a powerful totem of love and romance.

If you chance upon a hummingbird, focus on the love that you have, and the love that’s soon to come. If you don’t give it the care and attention that it deserves, it will fly away from you!

The hummingbird meaning also signifies enchantment, and how you should allow yourself to take great delight in the big and small things.

Never lose your sense of wonder, because this will help you on your journey towards love, happiness, and spiritual enlightenment.

Do this if you see the Hummingbird Totem in Your Dreams…

When you see the hummingbird spirit animal, you are being prepared for the journey ahead of you.

Start paying attention to the small details, because you never know when something seemingly insignificant can be helpful.

The hummingbird symbolism also urges you to conserve your energy when you are embarking on a journey. Don’t go full speed so soon because you will quickly lose your momentum.

It’s time to face new challenges and fight for your beliefs.

The hummingbird totem symbolizes the need for endurance and perseverance, and experiencing more joy, love, and happiness by finding it in the simplest things.

Positive Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal

The hummingbird spirit animal appears out of nowhere bearing gifts of joy and happiness, bringing with an air of magic in your life. It’s a symbol of good things!

When your spirit animal is the hummingbird, you share its traits of being small but strong. You are also courageous, determined, flexible, and adaptable.

You strive to create peace when there’s no peace to be found, and you are careful to protect and remain within your boundaries.

You possess great courage and resilience, and you are tireless in your pursuit of a good and happy life.

You are loyal and affectionate, sincere and energetic, and playful and happy. Just like your hummingbird totem, you can accomplish the impossible while having a great time doing it!

Negative Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal

The hummingbird spirit animal can fly backwards. Symbolically, it shows you can look back at your past and revisit it from time to time, but without living in it or dwelling in it too much.

The meaning of the hummingbird also speaks of emotional instability, because you shift rapidly from one emotion to the next with no warning.

It seems like a tireless bird with plenty of energy, but it does get tired and burnt out, too.

The hummingbird spirit animal burns a lot of energy when in flight, so it forages for food constantly. Remember to rest often and allow your body to recharge.

Feed yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The hummingbird symbolism is a reminder on how you should expend your energy without harming yourself.

There will be plenty of flighty thoughts and frivolous ideas when it comes to the hummingbird. Be mindful of these things for they may take away your focus on the things that truly matter.

Call on your Hummingbird Spirit Animal when:
  • You need your moods to be lifted.
  • The hummingbird can instill joy and happiness in your life. The presence of the hummingbird totem is like a ray of sunshine on a rainy day.
  • You need to have a more optimistic outlook in life.
  • Find your way out of the dark by taking to heart what your hummingbird totem wants to tell you. When the negativity seems too much, release it all and let the positive energies in.
  • You need more joy and enthusiasm in your life.

Increase the happiness in your life and find ways to let joy in. There are so many ways, if you will just open your eyes and see!

5 Unusual Facts About Hummingbird Symbolism

Hummingbird symbolism can certainly be far more productive and positive than you would perhaps give it credit for, but it all depends on the way in which you can apply the different aspects that apply to you.

Of course, you do need to know what it focuses on in the first place which is why it can be important to look at several key facts surrounding this particular spirit animal.

1. It represents being happy with life.

The first thing to mention is that the hummingbird spirit animal represents the idea of you being more than happy with life at this moment in time.

There are many areas where this can apply, but the main thing is that you have a sense of contentment surrounding you that may not have always been there.

2. It linked to love and the wonders of life.

There is a lightness surrounding hummingbird symbolism and it is linked to you feeling light when you are in love, so if the spirit animal appears then it could signify that you will be entering into that phase in your life soon.

It will also look at you being left amazed by the wonders of life and marvel at nature that surrounds you.

3. It symbolises being in the present moment.

Hummingbird symbolism is also directly linked to the idea of you being present in the moment. You should not sit there and worry about the past or stress about the future.

Instead, you need to enjoy what is happening as of this very minute to then make sure that you get the absolute maximum enjoyment out of it wherever you can.

4. You are resilient and free.

The hummingbird spirit animal is also going to let you see that you are free as both a human as well as a spirit, and you need to try to make the most of that in your life.

Also, you are resilient and capable of putting up with so much if you are only willing to tackle whatever life throws at you and do it with a smile on your face.

5. Show your loved ones that you care.

Finally, hummingbird symbolism is also closely related to the idea of letting your loved ones know that you do indeed care about them.

Don’t wait until something bad has happened, but rather you have to stress this as soon as possible.

This is to hopefully provide them with the same light feeling that you have experienced when you are in love as it is certainly something that is worth sharing.

Overall, hummingbird symbolism is all about not being surrounded by negative energy and looking to build on what you have and being quite content with everything in your surroundings.

This may not be easy at first, but the hummingbird spirit animal is there to guide you and to force you into looking at things at this exact moment in time.

If you can turn your attention to it in that way, then your future will indeed look significantly brighter.

My final thoughts on the Hummingbird Spirit Animal and its Symbolism

The hummingbird meaning is about movement, and how with skillful maneuvering and a little bit of magic, you can achieve even the impossible.

Be tenacious in pursuing your dreams, and never back down!

Go on big and exciting adventures, love like you’ve never loved before, and be completely immersed in new experiences. Whatever it is you decide to do, always look up and move forward!

Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/hummingbird-spirit-animal/

I think I’d like to be a little of each actually. I choose all three as my spirit animal. Its my story damn it and Ill decide my spirit animal. I think I need someone to draw me a morph of all three and hav it painted to put on my wall and display for the world to see!

11 AM to 12:30 PM Team Building with Troy

Troy comes up with the absolute coolest stuff to do. I swear. So today it’s a game and we’re playing it all against each other in groups.

The story is we are all in a plane crash in Northern California it’s 20° wearing clothes we would be in if we were in Phoenix. We are near a river. we must choose five items out of 11 items. And you have to choose these items based on how you think you will survive.

We chose

  • A pistol which is worth four points
  • A tarp which is worth eight
  • Steel wool which is worth 11 points
  • A lighter which is worth 12 points
  • And a set of clothes is worth 10 points
  • We got a total of 45 points we were second place

So here is the real exercise:

Team Building Exercise – Airplane Crash Survival
EXPLANATION
Mid-January is the coldest time of year in Northern Canada. The first problem the
survivors face is the preservation of body heat and the protection against its loss. This
problem can be solved by building a fire, minimizing movement and exertion, using as
much insulation as possible, and constructing a shelter.
The participants have just crash-landed. Many individuals tend to overlook the enormous
shock reaction this has on the human body and the deaths of the pilot and co-pilot
increases the shock. Decision-making under such circumstances is extremely difficult.
Such a situation requires a strong emphasis on the use of reasoning for making decisions
and for reducing fear and panic. Shock would be shown in the survivors by feelings of
helplessness, loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. These feelings have brought about more
fatalities than perhaps any other cause in survival situations. Certainly the state of shock
means the movement of the survivors should be at a minimum, and that an attempt to
calm them should be made.
Before taking off, a pilot has to file a flight plan which contains vital information such as
the course, speed, estimated time of arrival, type of aircraft, and number of passengers.
Search-and-rescue operations begin shortly after the failure of a plane to appear at its
destination at the estimated time of arrival.
The 20 miles to the nearest town is a long walk under even ideal conditions, particularly
if one is not used to walking such distances. In this situation, the walk is even more
difficult due to shock, snow, dress, and water barriers. It would mean almost certain
death from freezing and exhaustion. At temperatures of minus 25 to minus 40, the loss of
body heat through exertion is a very serious matter.
Once the survivors have found ways to keep warm, their next task is to attract the
attention of search planes. Thus, all the items the group has salvaged must be assessed for
their value in signaling the group’s whereabouts.
The ranking of the survivors items was made by Mark Wanvig, a former instructor in
survival training for the Reconnaissance School of the 101st Division of the U.S. Army.
Mr. Wanvig currently conducts wilderness survival training programs in the Minneapolis,
Minnesota area. This survival simulation game is used in military training classrooms.
Answer: RANKINGS

  1. Cigarette lighter (without fluid).
    The gravest danger facing the group is exposure to cold. The greatest need is for a source
    of warmth and the second greatest need is for signaling devices. This makes building a
    fire the first order of business. Without matches, something is needed to produce sparks,
    and even without fluid, a cigarette lighter can do that.
  2. Ball of steel wool.
    To make a fire, the survivors need a means of catching he sparks made by the cigarette
    lighter. This is the best substance for catching a spark and supporting a flame, even if the
    steel wool is a little wet.
  3. Extra shirt and pants for each survivor
    Besides adding warmth to the body, clothes can also be used for shelter, signaling,
    bedding, bandages, string (when unraveled), and fuel for the fire.
  4. Can of Crisco shortening.
    This has many uses. A mirror-like signaling device can be made from the lid. After
    shining the lid with steel wool, it will reflect sunlight and generate 5 to 7 million
    candlepower. This is bright enough to be seen beyond the horizon. While this could be
    limited somewhat by the trees, a member of the group could climb a tree and use the
    mirrored lid to signal search planes. If they had no other means of signaling than this,
    they would have a better than 80% chance of being rescued within the first day.
    There are other uses for this item. It can be rubbed on exposed skin for protection against
    the cold. When melted into oil, the shortening is helpful as fuel. When soaked into a
    piece of cloth, melted shortening will act like a candle. The empty can is useful in
    melting snow for drinking water. It is much safer to drink warmed water than to eat
    snow, since warm water will help retain body heat. Water is important because
    dehydration will affect decision-making. The can is also useful as a cup.
  5. 20 x 20 foot piece of canvas
    The cold makes shelter necessary, and canvas would protect against wind and snow
    (canvas is used in making tents). Spread on a frame made of trees, it could be used as a
    tent or a wind screen. It might also be used as a ground cover to keep the survivors dry.
    Its shape, when contrasted with the surrounding terrain, makes it a signaling device.
  6. Small ax
    Survivors need a constant supply of wood in order to maintain the fire. The ax could be
    used for this as well as for clearing a sheltered campsite, cutting tree branches for ground
    insulation, and constructing a frame for the canvas tent.
  7. Family size chocolate bars (one per person)
    Chocolate will provide some food energy. Since it contains mostly carbohydrates, it
    supplies the energy without making digestive demands on the body.
  8. Newspapers (one per person)
    These are useful in starting a fire. They can also be used as insulation under clothing
    when rolled up and placed around a person’s arms and legs. A newspaper can also be
    used as a verbal signaling device when rolled up in a megaphone-shape. It could also
    provide reading material for recreation.
  9. Loaded .45-caliber pistol.
    The pistol provides a sound-signaling device. (The international distress signal is 3 shots
    fired in rapid succession). There have been numerous cases of survivors going undetected
    because they were too weak to make a loud enough noise to attract attention. The butt of
    the pistol could be used as a hammer, and the powder from the shells will assist in fire
    building. By placing a small bit of cloth in a cartridge emptied of its bullet, one can start
    a fire by firing the gun at dry wood on the ground. The pistol also has some serious
    disadvantages. Anger, frustration, impatience, irritability, and lapses of rationality may
    increase as the group awaits rescue. The availability of a lethal weapon is a danger to the
    group under these conditions. Although a pistol could be used in hunting, it would take
    an expert marksman to kill an animal with it. Then the animal would have to be
    transported to the crash site, which could prove difficult to impossible depending on its
    size.
  10. Quart of 100 proof whiskey.
    The only uses of whiskey are as an aid in fire building and as a fuel for a torch (made by
    soaking a piece of clothing in the whiskey and attaching it to a tree branch). The empty
    bottle could be used for storing water. The danger of whiskey is that someone might
    drink it, thinking it would bring warmth. Alcohol takes on the temperature it is exposed
    to, and a drink of minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit whiskey would freeze a person’s
    esophagus and stomach. Alcohol also dilates the blood vessels in the skin, resulting
    in chilled blood belong carried back to the heart, resulting in a rapid loss of body heat.
    Thus, a drunken person is more likely to get hypothermia than a sober person is.
  11. Compass.
    Because a compass might encourage someone to try to walk to the nearest town, it is a
    dangerous item. Its only redeeming feature is that it could be used as a reflector of
    sunlight (due to its glass top).
  12. Sectional air map made of plastic.
    This is also among the least desirable of the items because it will encourage individuals
    to try to walk to the nearest town. It’s only useful feature is as a ground cover to keep
    someone dry.
    How to score:
    Each team should list its top 5 choices in order prior to seeing the answer sheet. To
    award points, look at the ranking numbers on this answer sheet. Award points to each
    team’s top choices according to the numbers here. For example, the map would earn 12
    points, while the steel wool would earn 2 points. Lowest score wins (and survives).

12 Noon to 4:30 PM Memorial Day Barbecue

So much fun! It was nice to have some fun! But the guys and the girls got to hang out together with the boys! So much great food laughs and a lot of fun!

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Day 35 May 22, 2022

Slept eight hours it’s 4:50 AM 10 days left and so much to do. One thing at a time, Shannon! Today is our foe anniversary. The day Mike and I exchanged our vows formally in front of friends and family. I wore a gorgeous dress and everything was perfect… Caterers, cake, music! I was gorgeous, amazing, loving – it was a great day, 16 1/2 years ago.

Avni and I went to the gym and it was great it was a good workout. I didn’t like it before but I love working out and actually going to the gym! It could be because it’s an outing and I get to leave the residential and go to an actual gym or now that I’m sober my health is much more of a concern. So I’m putting this in my routine for sobriety.

9:30 to 11:30 AM SOUPER Fun Day Sunday Group Soup With Gregson, Troy and Rebecca

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Disorganized

How am I feeling physically?

A great work out

How am I feeling spiritually?

Connected

What are my goals for the day?

Start step four, call Blue Cross/Blue Shield

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

I’m gonna miss all you guys we’ve all gotten pretty close

Just for Today – May 22

“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”

Basic Text, p. 48

We know how to recognize the disease of addiction. Its symptoms are indisputable. Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior. When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain. We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.

Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict. We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.

If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious. Our best course of action is to get close to these people. As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.

Just for today: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.

Soup of the day…

Spiritual transcendence

I didn’t answer some of the last questions. We ran out of time. It could be that I didn’t want to. But I’m going to now finish them as of July 9, 2022.

Who should I grant forgiveness? Mike for not loving me anymore and the emotional anguish that’s causing me. Connor for not thinking, wanting, or needing his mom anymore. My Mother.

Did I include myself on that list? yes

What is preventing me from forgiving myself? It’s very difficult to forgive yourself when you hurt those you love deepest. Yet, I am slowly coming to terms with the nightmare that happened, doesn’t mean I forgive myself.

What am I doing to show compassion to myself? waking up doing my blog – making it an experience, trying to get out there and doing what needs to be done. And self-care trying to make myself beautiful.

Are there other people who also have similar experiences or conditions like me? Yes, many and some far worse

In what ways am I getting more involved and less isolated? I don’t know… I thought I could go back to work but I can’t even seem to get a job there. They know.

How will I come to terms that I am not the only person who has suffered or is suffering? I know I have to come to terms with that.

Self compassion and mindfulness?

Self Compassion: Compassion is the ability to show empathy, love, and concern to people who are in difficulty, and self-compassion is simply the ability to direct these same emotions within, and accept oneself, particularly in the face of failure. Many otherwise compassionate people have a harder time showing compassion for themselves

goodtherapy.org

Mindfulness: The basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. The goal of mindfulness is to wake up to the inner workings of our mental, emotional, and physical processes. Mindfulness is available to us in every moment, whether through meditations and body scans, or mindful moment practices like taking time to pause and breathe when the phone rings instead of rushing to answer it.

mindful.org

In which way will I use mindfullness? I am trying to be mindful of my reations. It is more difficult lately for me because I never cried. I was always mindful except when I drank, and that was definately not mindfulness. I was broken down to my core a few weeks ago. the tears and the issues I was always mindful of have made there way to the surface and I am dealing with emotions I dont show typically. My mindfulness I am sure will be different when this breakthrough (so to speak, for lack of better words, I apologize) has made its way. I was so mindful I didnt show how much I loved nor cared…there are somethings you should rush to answer. I guess what Im trying to say is (if there is such a thing) I would like to practice ‘healthy’ mindfulness and not the ‘unhealthy’ I learned.

Note to myself:

I wish to ragain my selfworth and my self-confiendence back. I can and will attain all I desire if I can work on myself and my mind. I am grateful for the opportunity to do so at the moment. I am grateful to learn how to be the person I once was and shine. When that is accomplished I will forgive myself. I will show my ‘self’ self compassion everyday until I succeed this goal.

Yoga with Rebecca

Rebecca always does really great fun activities when she’s in charge.

Activities in Recovery

Super Cool!!! Today we’re doing a ropes course. Oh my God, it was so much fun. I loved it! It was great! Everyone had so much fun! Mike and our son would love it and it’s not very far away. It’s near the older homes in town. Honestly so cool, I did not do what they called the wind chimes because I was too sore, a lot, from working out and didn’t want to push it too much!

Step four:

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.“ 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous

So the things that we do instinctually being that we are human sometimes hurt ourselves and others. And the stuff we’re supposed to go back and look at the things that have taken place how they happened what our part/instinct was in the process. These are called Resentments.

Well, I can already tell you, this one is it going to be more difficult than it sounds. Mike always says I like to deflect. I already know myself. That said, the resentments those will be easy but admitting my fault in the situation that is a tough cookie to swallow.

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Day 34 May 21, 2022

“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there is a scarcity to make it happen.” – Wayne Dryer

Step five. Five hours and it’s 3:40 AM. Last night was so peaceful! I went over to Avni’s apartment for about two hours. She made pizza and we just watched how to get away with murder on the television. I was journaling and she was coloring. It was so incredibly nice to be away from my apartment. Don’t get me wrong everybody is wonderful there. However, no one ever shuts up. They’re so loud with everything that happens. The gossiping and the complaining it’s constant. I feel like I’m constantly held up writing on this twin bed, because the TV is always fucking on. What’s worse is everybody starting to get up at the same time I do and they’re ruining my quiet time. So I’m back in my room the TV finally got turned down. Yeah it’s still loud as fuck. Just think of my mantra only 11 days to go on the 11 days to go!

I’m great now Jim, Mary‘s husband, is coming for a four hour visit today and taking Mary out to dinner. When you were in recovery in charge or PHP, you can have a four hour visit. That’s really a nice thing. Especially for Mary, she talks so highly about Jim and their love and understanding. I know I won’t be having for our visitors and I’m at peace with that. I acknowledge why I’m here where I am and what transpired to get me here. Besides

My friend Avni and I have a lot in common. She’s been through similar to what I am going through. Although, her story didn’t work out., but that’s Avni‘s story to tell. I however know that Mike’s not done. He’s bitter and he’s very angry. No amount of love from my heart right now can fix that. So I feel the worst has yet to come. I do know you have to be separated for six months, Unless some type of law omits that. We shall see, oh I’m sure I will see. Right now, my word is mud. And I have a feeling, then I’m going to screw up regardless of any good intention. I feel like my soul is breaking,and when this is done I’m just going to be a walking soulless shell of a person.

We apparently had a surprise today. Creative expressions is going to be different today. I was already told what it is, as it’s not that big of a surprise. Sometimes they treat us like we’re children, and think the simplest outing is going to make any difference in the world. It’s some type of a potluck and free food, a celebration of sorts. Krista is in charge of creative expressions on the weekends. I stated before we should get new art supplies, so our bad art is on her Creative and inabilities. I guess she tries.

930 to 11:30 AM daily focus with Krista Troy and Rebecca

How am I feeling mentally today?

OK

How many feeling physically?

Hey I worked out

What are my goals for the day?

Getting a hold of my HR manager

What’s my affirmation/gratitude/greatness?

Avni for going to the gym this morning and Mary for getting laid today (that was a joke and I really embarrassed her this morning)

Just for Today – May 23

“We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the expense of anyone else.”

Basic Text, p. 39

Let’s face it: Most of us left trails of destruction in our wakes and harmed anyone who got in our way. Some of the people we hurt most in our addiction were the people we loved most. In an effort to purge ourselves of the guilt we feel for what we’ve done, we may be tempted to share with our loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. Such disclosures could do much harm and may do little good.

The Ninth Step is not about easing our guilty consciences; it’s about taking responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done. In working our Eighth and Ninth Steps, we should seek the guidance of our sponsor and amend our wrongs in a manner that won’t cause us to owe more amends. We are not just seeking freedom from remorse—we are seeking freedom from our defects. We never again want to inflict harm on our loved ones. One way to insure that we do not is by working the Ninth Step responsibly, checking our motives, and discussing with our sponsor the particular amends we plan to make before we make them.

Just for today: I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk with my sponsor.

twelvestepjournaling.com/narcotics-anonymous/just-for-today

Human scavenger hunt

Rebecca passed out as humans scavenger hunt as a way for us to get to know each other. We kind of got into groups and some of us moved about. To see if we had anything in common. Somethings I hadn’t, with others. Here’s the worksheet…

It’s been proven that if you have a daily routine or a daily schedule your chances of recovery are higher. That’s why here we have routines like making sure the apartment is clean before we leave first thing we should do is make our beds. The time of classes how long we get for a break and what we need to do in that break etc. we went through a pamphlet today explaining a little bit better…

1:30 PM to 3:30 PM creative expressions with Krista

Creative expressions was interesting as we went to the park for narcotics anonymous barbecue and a speaker. I ate a chef salad for lunch so I didn’t eat while I was there. I really didn’t mingle because it wasn’t my thing so I colored for the most part. Avni John Pedro and I snuck over to the swings and played even went down the slide, it’s a good slide by the way! We got to leave early which was nice, that made me happy! Narcotics anonymous is so much different than Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean really different, so are the people ,as well. Yes everyone has a substance abuse problem but in relating to and the program, it is very different. Alcoholics Anonymous, AAA, tries not to stand out too much. Where is narcotics anonymous, and a comma is more like lead to be seen and hear me roar dash in your face kind of way. For now, that’s the best way I can explain it really.

At 5 PM last night I got my phone and I could check emails. Mike ordered the door from Home Depot and kindly use my email address as to rub it in my face, that he ordered it and how much. I can’t even email him and tell him to keep that shit to himself. And order protection it only goes one way – so apparently he can fucking harass me, but I can’t harass him! Talk to him! Email him! Text him! Call him! Well you get the drift. This is what I’m calling daggers I’m starting to know we are over. I hope for forgiveness but too many daggers have been sent my way and I don’t know if I can forgive now.

Sometimes privileges just seem to take a lot longer than expected. Even though they’ve been granted just longer. I can’t log onto the computer because IT codes don’t work and they have been emailed. I can’t log into my Lowe’s account as my password needs to be changed due to the length of time I’ve had it or that I’m still on a leave of absence. Lynn, the HR manager, is off so I’m kind of screwed and getting that apartment at the moment. Aargh! fuck!!

Well it’s close for bed. To completely change the subject I have tried to masturbate three times, now that Savannah has left for good again, and I fucking can’t. I love my husband, but if you’re not around nor do you want to be my mind should let the fuck go so I can at least please myself, but no! Not happening! It sucks! Well good night to me! Until tomorrow!

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Day 32 May 19, 2022

I slept 7 1/2 hours feels great. It’s 5:40 AM so yeah a little bit late. Was supposed to work out, but too much to do since I slept in so late today. Apartment clean, laundry started. Tracie has strep throat so I am super careful in our apartment.

8:20 AM to 8:50 AM daily focus with Krista

How am I feeling mentally?

Jumbled – sad about a few things I must do

How am I feeling physically?

Well…

How am I spiritually?

I haven’t prayed in a couple days

What are my goals for today?

I guess call my sponsor

Affirmation/gratitude/greatness?

Everyone for being here and all their hugs I got a lot of closure on one item yesterday!

Just for today:

Inventory

“We review our past performance and our present behavior to see what we want to keep and what we want to discard.”

Basic Text, p. 29

As each day winds to a close, many of us reflect on the past twenty-four hours and consider how we can live differently in the future. It’s easy for our thoughts to remain trapped in the mundane: change the oil in the car, keep the living room clean, or empty the litter box. Sometimes it takes a special effort to jog our thinking out of the daily rut and onto a higher track.

One simple question can put us on the high road: What do we think our Higher Power wants for us tomorrow? Maybe we need to improve our flagging conscious contact with the God of our understanding. Perhaps we’ve been uncomfortable in our job or our relationship, holding on only out of fear. We might be hiding some troubling defect of character, afraid to share it with our sponsor. The question is, in what parts of our lives do we really want to grow?

As each day ends, we find it beneficial to take some moments to spend time with our Higher Power. We can begin to reflect on what will benefit our program of spiritual growth most in the coming day. We think about the areas in which we have grown recently, and target areas that still require work. What more fitting way to end the day?

Just for today: I will set aside some time at the end of the day to commune with my Higher Power. I will review the past day, meditating on what stands between me and my Higher Power’s will for my life.

My inventory for the day Mike and Decision Point’s day of Seymour equal separation/Apartments/insurance. I must pray …I have turned in my plan. Dave Seymour just needs to call Mike and tell him. So Inventory, my sadness! I love that man and my son but I’m taking inventory I must let them go! So it will be sad today.

letter’s copies made and given:

1 PM with Jess

We looked at the sobriety experience, destiny sober living, and sanctuary sober living all in Phoenix. I like Camelback Recovery and Spero.

Just was given all the information to call Mike. Dave Seymour said he already spoke to Mike and he wants to know what to do financially. It will get done and we will see. Hopefully it goes well. I’m very sad about our love dying. My heart is broken. I can’t do much now. Tempe here I come. I’m not happy about that heat, but I will live.

2 PM to 3:30 PM Cinema Therapy with Wade & Healing Minds with Andy

Emotional regulation

Keeping your emotions in check! Working on emotions – uncomfortable! It could cause drinking in order to deal with what we/are feeling.

4 PM PHP/recovery in charge with Gregson

Today I earned recovery in charge/PHP. So I will have a different schedule, more cell phone privileges, I can have visitors even though that won’t happen, more walking privileges, more time to work on job search, domestic violence classes or anger management classes. In fact I need to actually sign up for those when I get some money.

Hopefully I will get more accomplished, while I am here I have a lot to accomplish. Seriously a lot of stuff to do. Worked on recovery and charge worksheet, timetable we must turn in for Gregson and or Troy every day! It’s so crazy! A daily schedule turned in I’m not sure for what it’s not like we go far or have a lot to do… This must be a life skill making plans and writing them down. I’m pretty sure I got that one down that I’m almost positive I do! Almost to an OCD level.

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April 10 through April 17

I think I slept but maybe only a little bit cut me off my drunken haze all I can remember is that I slap my son don’t do a huge argument with my husband tried to run away from the police and was arrested.I was in a jail cell with three other women I’ll talking amongst themselves. The sheriff came over and had asked if anybody wanted breakfast. The two young girls I actually asked what was for breakfast I pulled the blanket over my head and the sheriff replied it’s delicious I think you’ll like it. I thought for sure the two young girls were going to say something like oh I have my eggs over medium and extra toasted sourdough. But now think it was a peanut butter jelly sandwich and a granola bar. I wasn’t hungry I didn’t care. Shortly after we were told we were getting ready to move. I was a bit discouraged because I knew we were going to camp Verde jail which was two hours away and I did not know how he’s going to get home. I thought well maybe Mike will pick me up this is before I knew I couldn’t talk to my family again. We were exited out of our jail cell and this part is important because it’s the first time in my life I’ve been asked to stand and I was shackled. Yes shackled. Then we were marched like a chain gang into a transport vehicle. No seatbelts all metal every stop every turn you jarred forward or back or slid from side to side there’s two of us on one side and two of us on the other.

I may not beable to place those two young girls faces, but I will never forget there stories as it was their 1st arrest and for about 8 hours they went on and on about their arrests. Pondering all the what ifs’ and were they really going to be in that much trouble. Me and the other lady were about the same age and just paced opposites sides of the jail cell. at some point we were told to change out of our super cute red outfit into a snazzy orange number. Thats when I sat and turned to her and told her that orange was a good color on you. she laughed, and told me she rerally needed a compliment. Web both smiled. It turns out Alberta and I were incarceated for the same charges although we never discussed them. The reason why I mention this is that Alberta did the kindest of acts. After our release she said her son was picking her up and she would head to Phoenix as she had a condo their. Meanwhile, I am barefoot, no p[urse, no money, and no cellphone and was told I can not contact Mike. I was literally stranded 2 hours away. Before she left with her son she asked if I needed anything and I said a bottle of water (very large), a pack of smokes, and a lighter. I scoffed off my request as I didnt think she would come back. She did. She brought me all I asked for and then handed me one hundred dollars so I could get near my home to pick up the truck and clothes and head to a hotel (motel actually).

What did I do for eight days. Every day seems like a distant memory. A horrible feeling from the time you woke up to the time you fell asleep. The only thing was I didn’t sleep. One things for sure I hadn’t stopped drinking yet. But it wasn’t that fun or what I thought was fun kind of buzzed feeling. It was despair at this point I was drinking, I was drinking just a drink. There is no oh I’m almost there at that feels fantastic. The constant gloomOr Hayes rather. The week was a haze.

I went to work on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday I took Thursday and Friday off and put my leave of absence in from that following Monday. I waited all week for Mike to serve me with divorce papers restraining orders whatever. I spent Easter drunk all day I would pass out I would wake back up and I would get drunk again. I had never drink like that ever. But one thing was damn sure make assumed I drink that way so God dammit I was gonna do it it was the most miserable Easter I’ve ever had. I would’ve done anything to talk to Mike have a complete utter argument but now I was left to my own devices from April 10 to the 17th.

When I went to work no one knew I had conversations I smiled I talked I laughed I told everybody hello asked how everybody’s day was, but no one knew. Every time I would walk down an aisle by myself and there was no one there I could let myself feel. The guilt the overwhelming it just rushed over me. I wanted to run down those isles but I didn’t I succumb to that feeling.I was in despair I was in the unknowing. I know I had the arraignment on Tuesday, but I thought I’d see Mike there. He wasn’t there. I was all alone being told by a judge that I can’t see my family. On April 12 after the arraignment I did talk to Mike. He was very reserved you could tell he was sad he didn’t know what to do he was in despair as well. That’s what I was told a divorce was eminent. I was going to happen. That I couldn’t see Connor I was devastated. At that moment I knew that I had just lost the love of my life am I beautiful son. There’s a sadness I can’t explain I hopelessness that added to the despair. So yes I didn’t stop drinking I did call different rehabs drunk in the afternoon when I got home from work. That’s when I found Decision Point I picked it for its name. I had made a decision I may not have been ready right then to commit I should have but I wasn’t. I know I still had to go to work I know I had to admit for the first time to somebody that I was an alcoholic and that somebody wasn’t even my family it was Lynn from HR at Lowe’s. I dotted all my dots so I thought And crossed all my teas – to the best of my ability. I was entering the unknown a forever change of life a change of lifestyle and a change of people who are in my life.

Shannon Coon <coonfamily08@yahoo.com>

To:Michael Coon,IloveMike Coon

Thu, Apr 14 at 2:38 PM

Dear Mike,

I removed the Amazon app from my phone entirely, so there is no worry of “more shit mom ordered from Amazon that I paid for… that’s going back”. Thank you for removing me from the Arlo. Every time I got a notification, my heart sank, and I couldn’t breathe. So I took that app off as well.   I won’t have access to my phone as often, so email me with the ones you need if there are any passwords. However, you probably don’t.

There is something important I must tell you, and you will be furious. I was still in flight or flight  when I arrived at Motel 6. The police were there arresting people. The officers at the civil stand-by asked me not to stay there. I was not okay, I didn’t feel safe, I was confused, and sleep deprieved. I opened a credit card. Please do not call the police and have me arrested. I want to get help and fix what I broke. Sitting in a jail cell will not get me the help I need. After a few hours of sleep, reality set in, I canceled the Best Western, but there was a cancellation fee.

I have paid for the Motel 6 myself with money in my bank account. Almost $800.00 to stay at Motel 6 for eight nights. When I complete rehabilitation, I will pay you for my incurred fee. I am just running out of money as I needed to buy some toiletries, clothes, shower shoes, hiking shoes, and enough cigarettes to last during my stay. I don’t want to Fraud to my already four misdemeanors and over $12,000 in fines and penalties. I am sorry for so many things and added my better lack of judgment to that list.

Hopefully, I will get a court-approved attorney. Then, I will not be shackled and sent to jail in Camp Verde again, as long as I obey the law. I am wrapping up loose ends at the Library today and tomorrow. I prefer to be served the divorce papers at the Motel to concentrate on getting my much-needed help. I am in room 217 at Motel 6.

I need a few things from the house before I enter the facility. These are things I do not feel buying more of is conducive to. Mainly because I have plenty of articles of clothing in the closet. I don’t want to be a burden, more so than I have been. I prefer not to involve any friends because my alcohol binging, domestic violence charges, and divorce are my business to take care of. Mine alone to fix, make right, and deal with. I love you both so much, and I shattered us. I know this. I don’t think any more humiliation will be helpful in the healing process. I will itemize what I predict I will need. I can leave the Motel, and you can leave it at the front desk? You tell me the best way you want to handle it.

  1. Both very dark blue pairs of jeans (one almost looks black)and a belt
  2. The black pair of jeans
  3. Five pairs of shorts
  4. All of my workout clothes (there will be a lot of exercising and hiking as part of the process at this facility). They are located after sweat pants.
  5. The Carhart sweatshirt
  6. A few shirts (not T-shirts, please)
  7. Orange Converse ( I could only find one and need the mate)
  8. Six pairs of underwear
  9. The pink mini facial shaver in the medicine cabinet (the second shelf is battery operated)
  10. My estrogen cream (please bring one from the linen closet, so it has a prescription label)
  11. One very large makeup bag from the underneath sink
  12. My watch charger plugged in at catch-all.
  13. Title to Dodge so I can sign it, and I will leave in the Beast it for you
  14. The Lace Pink Dress, and the Calvin Klien heals you bought me (for Court)
  15. Lastly, the iPod you bought me, I believe it is on top of a tote on the second shelving unit in the black bag; if not, grab my old phone, and I will download motivational and healing podcasts from that to listen to

I think that is everything I will need.

When I figure out the address, you can pick the truck up. There will be items in it I can not have. For example, Tylenol PM, my perfume, tweezers, a computer, some jewelry,  a letter that needs to be mailed. I will handle the Alberta letter when I am released, and you can place it in my moving boxes.

I will not text you or call you again. I will only from now on respond to your emails, if any. I will delete all correspondence off my phone, as well.

Mike, you are not the enabler. I bought the Vodka last Tuesday with my own money, knowing full well I would get caught. I was angry at the time of purchase which is no excuse. You are a wonderful man and do not deserve me as your wife or even to be Connor’s Mom. Thank you for the beautiful things and life you gave me. Maybe one day when you are, or perhaps never really, we can talk, and I can tell you why I drink and why to excess. You deserve to know. 

I am beyond sad and think about you both all of the time, and I always will with great regret.

Goodbye Michael,

Shannon

Ps. Please do not have me arrested. I do want to be the person you wanted to spend your life with. 

Sent from Mail for Windows


The arraignment paperwork…

Featured

My Journey to Recovery And Finding Myself

My posts are raw and so personal. All of my entries are true Heartaches and triumphs of my recovery. I destroyed my beautiful life, broke my loving husband and shattered my beautiful little boy. I will recover. I have hope that not all is lost. I am stronger than I think..

I like my friend (me) for what it is in her (my) heart, not for the way she (I) does (did) things. – Sandra K Lamberson

Day 60 June 16, 2022

“To improve is to change.” – Winston Churchill

Shannon’s Daily Focus

How am I feeling Mentally?

Super excited to rent a car after class.

How am I physically?

Feel good, look good!

How am I spiritually?

Meditating – need to do more of

What are my goals for today?

Make list of all things to get done so I can streamline everything with car.

Affirmation, Gratitude, Greatness?

Did I mention car?

10 habits of mentally strong people characteristics of people who are mentally strong are: 

  • A unique combination of passion, tenacity, and stamina 
  • Being proactive  
  • Don’t procrastinate  
  • Do the hard tasks 
  • Trusting your decisions 
  • Using your gut feelings – intuition 
  • Focusing on the details 
  • Leader of men 
  • Your rudeness is about you not me impact on our lives we are the only ones – we are accountable 
  • Keeping your mind in check emotionally 
  • Good mood making outweighs overconfident 
  • Pretending not a problem very head and sand – neglect to deal with 

A person needs to practice these every day. 

Coping Skills 

  • Daily routines meeting best friends in rehab slash treatment centers 
  • Maybe not family 
  •  A therapy animal 
  • Whatever you put first in sobriety, whatever something that is, you will lose first. 

Day 59 June 15, 2022

I slept about 5 hours. Well I’m pretty looped out of my mind! Four different anxiety medications seem to do the trick. I’m not so crazy upset and sad and depressed. 

Shannon’s Daily Focus 

How am I feeling mentally? 

Good, happier(numb) 

How my feeling physically? 

Good, I look adorable today 

How am I spiritually? 

Not praying – I need to! 

What are my goals for the day? 

Getting my computer – staying present 

Affirmation, Greatness, Gratitude? 

I actually have a tan. I am tan. I do like spray tans. 

So, I got a spray tan yesterday and I love it! I look awesome. I’m loving it! I have purple extensions in my hair too! Lacey is going to put purple streaks in my hair for my birthday! I’m doing better since I fell asleep with a broken heart meditation. It’s super long so I think it’s helping mentally? It’s subliminally working! I know it’s good! I don’t want to lose Mike and Connor but I need to focus on me I need to get my stuff done. I need to get my **** together. I know I will not want Mike back as I get through me. There is an excitement to be me again! I will succeed! 

To Dos for The Day 

  • WordPress 
  • Writing 
  • USPS (get a PO Box) 
  • A card to Mike, Tracie, and Avni 
  • Order a Television 
  • Call on apartments (make appointments to see) 
  • Purple hair dye 
  • Dry hair purple 
  • Get a trim 
  • Groupon more spray tans 
  • Set-up Lip Threading appointment 
  • Make waxing appointment 
  • Set-up appointment for more Botox 
  • Order vapes 

I miss my beautiful boy! I miss him! So FUCKING much! He is so handsome! Last night Tiara said in the highlight video I played how handsome Connor is. She said, “he looks and seems like he has a strong personality.” – he sure does. I’m glad someone, I hope everyone, sees that! He is so amazing! I just hope he knows it too. I hope I haven’t completely ruined him – Mike is making sure of that – “The Alcoholic” as Mike calls me. 

So there’s a meditation saying… The more you doubt, the more enlightenment – in life and in meditation. 

It leads to curiosity and learning. 

9:00 AM to 11:00 AM morning process group with Jennifer 

Say something fearful? 

I feel like I don’t miss my son like I should and I feel like I miss Mike more. I know that’s not true. I fear it though. 

Meditation with Darren 

Using the Calm app 

Gratitude was the meditation in my meditation I only thought and try to conscious and be and try to be with him in his mind! Telling him it’s OK I’m OK be with me – I’m relaxed I can just be! 

Yoga with Desiree 

I love her yoga and yoga makes me feel better I want to become a yoga instructor. 

Day 56 June 12,2022

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” –

Alfred Lord Tennyson

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Sad

How am I feeling physically?

wanting

How am I feeling spiritually?

lacking

What are my goals for the day?

write

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike!!!

Happy birthday to, my favorite person… Michael Alan Coon! No matter what, I will love you forever! I miss talking to you so much I feel like you don’t even know. So much of myself is lost. So much of myself is lost, you made the most and taken up so much of my soul I’m last period you will always have the key to me! Happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day! 

Woke up to alarms! Oh, my God! My phone, my new alarm clock all going off opposite and not knowing all the ins and outs of the smart alarm – Jesus Christ! Trust! I got the FUCK up at 4:00 AM no shit! I got my morning meditation, morning yoga, morning Buddhist chant, morning prayer, Brené Brown Ted talk, and the man in the arena. 

Brené Brown gave some good quotes this morning. She was saying that braving is the tool. “That my worth and belonging can’t be negotiated by anyone it’s mine it belongs to me. I may fit into you but I no longer fit into myself.” 

Yesterday, Hannah and Nina are trying to get a letter to Mike about an apartment, my recovery, etc. the emails go back and forth. They’ve left me confused, hurt, angry – I don’t know questions! So, I need to write this so it comes from me and my = mine … no family in it. Omit the fact I even gave birth to a child or fell in love and how I love greatly – gone! I must write some bullshit or bullshit. I need to put everything in the negative so Mike feels better, superior he is in control I don’t think he will like it if I tell the truth. My recovery is as far as I’m concerned none of his business. All that’s being done is money being thrown at me. I am not the only person this has ever happened to you. I can only imagine what goes on in the house and all those ill-reputed things said towards me, about me… my whole character has now been defined forever. Mike made sure of that his point, POV, as well as formulating everyone else is including the toxic word spoken about me in front of my son. I genuinely feel I can never go home. I don’t feel whole and I don’t know if I ever will there again or if I did before, not now – not there! My best analogy for how I am feeling is: 

  there is a ball and two sides of a line drawn. Mike, Connor, Prescott (what I know) and the other side with me) . I’ve been alone and on my side of the court my whole life so to speak and I am genuinely OK with my GST being. Mike is holding the ball Mike is always holding the ball. Sometimes he gives me back slash passes me the ball but he always wants it right back or if he didn’t like something he takes it back. But now there are two balls back slash mine much smaller but I have a ball and Mike has a ball divided. No one is willing to give up their ball. I would give up the ball but why? I have no support nor Mike support from me. I did not make the line between us he made the line; he is always making lines I always walk over back slash cross the line it doesn’t matter about drinking I am not thinking about this in my make-believe analogy. I’m generalizing). this is the thing if I said, End Quote he would never tell me how he feels he would never fight for me. Never surrendering or being emotionally intimate, not saying what he means or feels only anger and only throwing money at it. – Here’s the thing though I have and would never do that to him. If the tables were turned never. Realistically speaking in our life together he has never fought for me and if he feels he has, he’s never told me. Devil’s advocate, yes. Some things and smoothing over things and smoothing things out sure. Never fought for me. Maybe I should have communicated more, but that’s me pleasing him trying to help him, support his feelings where am I? So, on my side of the court, I have zero self-worth, zero self, I’m not enough for him or I wouldn’t have stumbled so many times, I don’t even feel enough for myself. Well work on myself, End Quote he says quote I have enabled you and quote, he says. 

Not supported, not fought for… 

– The only time in life I actually will need yeah not to hold my ******* hand. So where does my answers lie? I’m all the same emotions he is I don’t want this to be the end, but align has been drawn. Where is the trust on the other side or either side? 

Trust: “Trust is choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” – Charles Felman 

 Distrust: Distrust is what I shared with you, that is important to me is not safe to you.” 

Brené Brown’s: Trust is Braving 

Boundaries 

Reliability 

Accountability 

Vault 

Integrity 

Non-judgement 

Generosity 

My Recovery 

  • God I’m pissed the FUCK off right now 
  • Stay where it is cheaper, as I will not have a roommate. This will irritate me causing me to drink. 
  • Regardless of length of stay doesn’t change the fact I need to do the following: 
  • Job, car, and apartment 

My Recovery Timeline 

  • I’m in recovery for 60 days I’m following 12 steps, BDR, Dharma and focusing on myself and my recovery following yoga and meditation to relax.  
  • I’m changing my lifestyle with yoga and meditation many times a day.  
  • Relaxing and concentrating on recovery and sobriety.  
  • I am genuinely ready to go back to my job at Lowe’s transferring to the phoenix area getting an apartment to start my new life. 
  • Made a plan to work on myself alone practicing self-care.  
  • Taking medication to control anxiety. 
  • Following a 90-day program of sobriety. 
  • 60 days sober. 
  • Completed “relapse prevention” plan. Three times with three different scenarios. 
  • Following a “repair myself” plan to stay healthy 
  • yoga and meditation as daily tools several times a day to stay focused 
  • eating a healthy diet which is regimented to include breakfast daily, I am actually eating 
  •  Practicing self-care daily. 
  •  Reading Dharma, BDR and other SMART Recovery programs along with 12 step programs 
  • Daily affirmations to myself so I can self-heal being enough, belonging and self-worth like being enough and belonging 
  • I’m ready to begin working again. 
  • I’m doing my IOP. 
  • Possibly, making the move to phoenix area transferring to Scottsdale Lowe’s? 

OK I think I’m ready 

Dear Michael, 

in my recovery I’m rearing 60 days. In these past 60 days I’ve been following a 90 day recovery format, that includes many aspects. 

Shannon 

Just for today – June 12

“Yes, we are a vision of hope…”

Basic Text, p. 51

By the time we reached the end of our road, many of us had lost all hope for a life without the use of drugs. We believed we were destined to die from our disease. What an inspiration it was, then, coming to our first meeting and seeing a room full of addicts who were staying clean! A clean addict is, indeed, a vision of hope.

Today, we give that same hope to others. The newcomers see the joyful light in our eyes, notice how we carry ourselves, listen to us speak in meetings, and often want what we have found. They believe in us until they learn to believe in themselves.

Newcomers hear us carry a message of hope to them. They tend to see us through “rose-colored glasses,” They don’t always recognize our struggle with a particular character defect or our difficulties with improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power. It takes them time to realize that we, the “old-timers” with three or six or ten years clean, often place personalities before principles or suffer from some other unsightly character defects. Yes, the newcomer sometimes places us on a pedestal. It is good, though, to openly admit the nature of our struggles in recovery for, in time, the newcomer will be walking through those same trials. And that newcomer will remember that others walked through that difficulty and stayed clean.

Just for today: I will remember that I am a beacon to all who follow in my path, a vision of hope.

Day 54 June 10,2022

“If ever I was running, it was towards you.”
― Jennifer Elisabeth

I slept 7 hours. It is so joyous to sleep – sleeping pill not to dream and just go out! Then I must wake up and face all of me again. My depression. My lack of will to be here. Dredge through my day. It genuinely sucks. 

Two ladies came in last two nights but one already escaped (run away) she was older and had some mental issues but I wonder if she had the means to not just escape here, but get to escaped anywhere she wanted to? My thoughts hope she gets better and possibly she could find peace and solitude any from ourselves everything around her and her problem period no one affected by her the one needing her or wanting to tell her what to do at all. 

I think I will start doing daily focus every day, but just for myself not reading aloud for the group no one to hear how I am feeling or what I am feeling but the fact I got it out on paper. Just letting it out possibly go into the universe, whether it is good or bad period just to write it. 

Yesterday’s reading in journey to the heart. By melody Beattie has me thinking so much! I have to let go let go of my losses. But Connor and migrant losses to mind. How can I let my people come on my loves just go? 

“Believing in life means it’s OK to let go. We can trust where we’ve been. We trust where we’re going. And we are all right where we need to be now. Believe in life.” 

Let go? What a concept? There is just too much I can’t rather die than give up on my love let them go. If I have to let them go then I let go of me too. 

I have so much to do my recovery is now second fiddle. Even though I know I need to be part of my recovery but I must be go go gadget girl again. I have so much to focus on it’s too much to do right now. Mike expects a lot from me. And I want to show him that I am capable. I need an apartment. I need a cosigner. I need an income. Job. Transfer. Clear up in locker talk to HR. I need a car. Car insurance. 

What the FUCK am I Doing? 

I’m anxious, I can’t focus on myself. I just fucking can’t take any of this anymore. I need to find more pain, it seems to relieve what I’m feeling. I guess I need another tattoo or piercing I just need to not feel me! 

Mean and Hannah will be sending Mike an e-mail today what the FUCK? I feel like I can’t make any decisions on my own. I feel like such a failure. I should feel thankful (not blessed) That Mike is throwing money at this. I’m just some fucking mistake. He told me I was a mistake so many times and arguments, that he should have never married me… he shouldn’t have period I’m a horrible mother, a terrible wife, and as a whole a jackass or fuck off as a person. 

I hope that this is all mental, that I can get over this! I have so little joy anymore! All my joy feels like it’s just squashed. I’m meditating or trying to but my focus is lost. 

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

still overwhelmed – so much responsibilty for everything – I cant seem to handle it

How am I feeling physically?

okay! I wish I could work out more. They do not drive you anywhere except to and from IOP. I am stuck and losing my mind.

How am I feeling spiritually?

I’m trying. I want to do more meditation

What are my goals for the day?

Talk to Nina about sending an email to Mike. I have to get things done. I am losing my FUCKING mind. All I do is sit here depressed wodering what if’s? Is this what Mike meant by not driving a car…Not get better just wallow in self pity. Spending money out of our account on self care so I feel an ounce better??

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

I am a nice person.

Just for today – June 10

“When we finally get our own selfish motives out of the way, we begin to find a peace that we never imagined possible.”

Basic Text, p. 44

As we examine our beliefs, our actions, and our motives in recovery, we’ll find that sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons. In our early recovery, we may have spent a great deal of money and time on people, wanting only for them to like us. Later on, we may find that we still spend money on people, but our motives have changed. We do it because we like them. Or perhaps we used to get romantically involved because we felt hollow inside and were seeking fulfillment through another person. Now our reasons for romantic involvement are based in a desire to share our already rewarding lives with an equal partner. Maybe we used to work the steps because we were afraid we’d relapse if we didn’t. Today we work the steps because we want to grow spiritually.

We have a new purpose in life today, and our changing motives reflect that. We have so much more to offer than our neediness and insecurities. We have developed a wholesomeness of spirit and a peace of mind that moves our recovery into a new realm. We extend our love and share our recovery with complete generosity, and the difference we make is the legacy we leave to those who have yet to join us.

Just for today: In recovery, my motives have changed. I want to do things for the right reason, not just for my personal benefit. Today, I will examine my motives.

9-11AM Morning Process Group with Darren

Parents: mine were just there … just not emotionally there… I never had or learned emotional intimacy. 

Do I even have that right now? I guess if I couldn’t feel Mike and I had a problem – I don’t have emotional intimacy or availability. I need to read more on relationships. I want to be transparent with Mike and make sure he knows I’m emotionally available in his person! I need to do the same for my son too! He needs to see a healthy mom.

Value 

what are values? Morality? Do I have honesty and integrity? 

Doing what you need to do just so we can use dash agreeing with rules set not by yourself. We need to not let addiction set our values dash values really went out the window period now that you’re clean we have the freedom to choose our values. 

Productive in sobriety dash can be a value! Visualize what you want as values in your life when it happens. 

Brain behaves that is actually happening dash need to convince brain!! 

Focus on believing what I foretell myself. Believe that it is real! My examples Tony Robinson is speaker in shallow Hal the movie.  

Worksheets…

Post to be meditation how do you meditate when we have all that to think about it, you’re supposed to clear your brain not think too much about it. 

11:30 to 12:30 PM relapse prevention with Chloe (Guest)

I’m grateful for calling one my husband and son 2 being here and sober three the meditation we just did thanks Daniel you’re my superhero and or if I was a superhero who would I be Wonder Woman and Walter 

Worksheets… 

“The struggle you are in today is developing the strength you have tomorrow.” 

Day 53 June 9, 2022

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we will ever do.” – Brene Brown

Slept 8.5 hours. Woke up later than usual and didn’t do much around the house here. Im just sad and depressed really. I wish it was a blank dayto set my heart and soul to. Alas but I can not. I don’t think this will ever change. I hold onto hope. I just dont think there is any hope left for me. I wish alot that I was youngerand made different choices. Life altering choices. The life altering choicesthat would have never foundmyself here. What seems like a nightmare of different treatment centers, one so it seems after the next. How long will this go on. When will Mike be done. Maybe if I didn’t feel so incarcerate, then I wouldn’t feel this way. No sad, not depressed all the time with out hope, a home, or a family. “It’s done keeps me unmotivatedand undeniably unwilling to want to actually be here. Art Therapy will be soon, hopefully, it gets me out of my funk for a fast minute!

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

sad, depressed and lost

How am I feeling physically?

well slept

How am I feeling spiritually?

so-so

What are my goals for the day?

not much – get botox

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Art class today

Just for today – June 9

“Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise.”

Basic Text, p. 88

Most of us had dreams when we were young. Whether we dreamed of a dynamic career, a large and loving family, or travels abroad, our dreams died when our addiction took hold. Anything we ever wanted for ourselves was cast away in our pursuit of drugs. Our dreams didn’t go beyond the next drug and the euphoria we hoped it would bring.

Now in recovery, we find a reason to hope that our lost dreams could still come true. No matter how old we are, how much our addiction has taken from us, or how unlikely it may seem, our freedom from active addiction gives us the freedom to pursue our ambitions. We may discover that we’re very talented at something, or find a hobby we love, or learn that continuing our education can bring remarkable rewards.

We used to put most of our energy into spinning excuses and rationalizations for our failures. Today, we go forward and make use of the many opportunities life presents to us. We may be amazed at what we’re capable of. With our foundation of recovery, success, fulfillment, and satisfaction are within our reach at last.

Just for today: Starting today, I’ll do whatever I can to realize my dreams.

12:30-2pm Art Therapy Art of the Soul with Brandon

What an amazing man and story, Brandon, the owner, of Art of the Soul had about how this dream of the art studio came to fluition. Art of the Soul is a trauma based art studio. Recovery, Treatment, and other Mental Health Facilities utize the studio with Brandon’s guidance into the wonderful world of color. It was so exciting to see the art. It is exactly the medium I wanted and had been wanting to do, for awhile now.The art studio is filled with House Music beating and humming along while you work on your masterpiece. The music was good. Every song that played was a song I held/hold near and dear to my heart played, especially the ones that are just mine and Mike’s. I found myself singing and hummingwhile I worked with the paint. I had a sad joy while I was there, not an easy or easily describable feeling at all. It definately mad me think of Mike and all of the love I have for him, all that I do not want to let go of, and; yet all that is gone. All of that joy in the art I was creating combined with all that love. It was a very sureal moment. I wished Mike were there. It was strangely and immensely enjoyable in a sad and happy way. My art piece did turn out amazing though. I am very proud. I can not wait for next week. to feel that joy and love again.

Well, I am off to get Botox for the first time. Im looking forward to the results. I have been doing alot of treatments lately. I just no longer want to look like myself anymore. I want to be and look like someone else. If I look different maybe I will feel different. I want to have a whole new life. I want to be completely different and unrecognizable.

Day 52 June 8, 2022

“To the suicidal mind, you can feel trapped. You can feel suffocated by the state of your psycheand there seems like there is no way out. Day in and day out, you deal with the mental agonyand anguish that both frightens you and pushes you at the same time. You feel that death is the only way out, but at the same time, the human in you desperately want to fightto cling onto hope. To cling onto life.” Kevin’s Song.org

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Ridiculous really

How am I feeling physically?

Fair

How am I feeling spiritually?

Trying for hope

What are my goals for the day?

Only focus on me, but I cant seem to do that

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

None

just for today – June 8

“This program offers hope. All you have to bring with you is the desire to stop using and the willingness to try this new way of life.”

IP No. 16, “For the Newcomer”

From time to time we wonder if we’re “doing it right” in Narcotics Anonymous. Are we attending enough meetings? Are we using our sponsor, or working the steps, or speaking, or reading, or living the “right” way? We value the fellowship of recovering addicts – we don’t know what we’d do without it. What if the way we’re practicing our program is “wrong?” Does that make us “bad” NA members?

We can settle our insecurities by reviewing our Third Tradition, which assures us that “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.” There aren’t any rules that say we’ve got to attend this many meetings or these particular meetings, or work the “steps” this way at this pace, or live our lives to suit these people in order to remain NA members in good standing.

It’s true that, if we want the kind of recovery we see in members we respect, well want to practice the kind of program that’s made their recovery possible. But NA is a fellowship of freedom; we work the program the best way for us, not for someone else. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.

Just for today: I will look at the program I’m working in light of my own recovery. I will practice that program to the best of my ability.

9am to 11am Morning Process with Darren

Cognitive Behavioral Theory/Strategies:

Do we have a choice?

Change thoughts then change actions.

I give circumstances meaning. No one makes you feel, you make you feel.

ABC Model

Worksheets…

Money is literally making me sick to my stomach right now. I need to pay off my restitution and my classes and I havent a clue how. I can not work. I cant get to work. Mike says that if I work I can only save it. According to the new kind of R.O.I. (Release of Information HIPPA – Marriage Counselors aka my therapist). If I pay my fines and finish the classes I can see my son maybe even Mike but thats 50/50 at the moment. I need to figure this out. Time for some math.

Day 51 June 7,2022

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Excited and wondering what IOP will be like

How am I feeling physically?

I’m feeling pretty good And

How am I feeling spiritually?

Still playing every day hoping that I can win back my loves

What are my goals for the day?

Make it through IOP

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike for giving me this opportunity

Just for to day – June 7

“Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.”

Basic Text, p. 96

Not all of us arrive in NA and automatically stay clean. But if we keep coming back, we find in Narcotics Anonymous the support we need for our recovery. Staying clean is easier when we have someone who believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

Even the most frequent relapser in NA usually has one staunch supporter who is always there, no matter what. It is imperative that we find that one person or group of people who believes in us. When we ask them if we will ever get clean, they will always reply, “Yes, you can and you will. Just keep coming back!”

We all need someone who believes in us, especially when we can’t believe in ourselves. When we relapse, we undermine our already shattered self-confidence, sometimes so badly that we begin to feel utterly hopeless. At such times, we need the support of our loyal NA friends. They tell us that this can be our last relapse. They know from experience that if we keep coming to meetings, we will eventually get clean and stay clean.

It’s hard for many of us to believe in ourselves. But when someone loves us unconditionally, offering support no matter how many times we’ve relapsed, recovery in NA becomes a little more real for us.

Just for today: I will find someone who believes in me. I will believe in them.

twelvestepjournaling.com/narcotics-anonymous/just-for-today

So I didn’t get to journal yesterday because I left my backpack in bre’s car. So that was a bummer! I had a lot to write about too! I’m an IOP which started at 9 AM.

9 AM to 11 AM Morning Process Group with Jennifer

We did introductions to start so it’s Bre, myself, Tiara and Walter.

Meditation and Medication

Changes per my new psychiatrist and medication so I missed the meditation which was from 11 to 11:30 AM.

11:30 AM to 12:30 PM Relapse Prevention with Jennifer

So it’s back dialectical behavioral therapy ( DBT ).

This isn’t a concept I have heard before this one’s different…

Dialectical absence and harm and there’s reduction and abstinence. So when you’re making your relapse prevention plan Do you want to plan for abstinence but you also have to want a reduction plan and a reduction plan is what will keep yourself alive by having a plan. Meaning having people near and around you know and having a plan that if you are going to do it and you are going to get to the point where you could be sick or die there’s a plan in place to keep you alive.Part of abstinence as you can choose when you have a trigger and try to keep it to five places five people and five activities. So five places that you know you won’t be able to relapse five people you know who will support you and not allow you to read relapse and five activities that you can do it won’t trigger you or allow you to relapse.

1 to 2 PM Psycho Education with Jennifer

Worksheets…

So as it presents itself… If you ask the why as to addiction the how will follow. So find your why to get to the how.

So met with a psychiatrist today and did a test for bipolar disorder. He said there would be more tests. Insomnia, anxiety, compulsive shopping, compulsive cleaning, making million long to do lists…isn’t in my favor. He said given what We’ve spoken about and the other psychiatrists opinion chances can be good. But not to worry medication’s can help. So I probably didn’t have PMDD all those years. We will see.

I hope he was really good much better than being at Decision Point. I’m glad to be out of Decision Point, that’s for sure yesterday‘s intake was long and arduous. Not to mention very emotional. Not only have I cried for almost 60 days straight I got to cry more. I’m pretty tired of having so much anxiety and sadness. I texted Mike yesterday he actually sent a nice text back – well it wasn’t yelling at me, at least. I’m (no scratch that) i’m doing all the things I need to do. I’m taking care of my mental health, I’m not drinking, and I’m taking care of me physically as well.

I can’t stop thinking about Connor. My heart is sad! I miss him so much! I just want to tell him I’m OK. I don’t know when that will happen. I hope and pray soon, but I don’t know. I’ve got to be just enough rope to hang myself with. We will see what happens.

I went swimming last night and went to bed really early. It’s strange I literally have no desire to watch anything on the television, my phone – no video games even. My heart is only concerned with Connor and Mike and getting better.

I asked the stupid damn eight ball all the time if I’m loved, if Mike ever wants me again, is Connor OK, is Connor sleeping – my God it’s endless – I’m obsessed with it. REALLY OBSESSED!

I opted to stay here tonight they are moving me to a room with children – just like Decision Point so I’m not pleased.

My birthday is coming up soon and yet again it will be a shitty birthday, I’m sure – really crap! I wish I could just vanish under a rock seriously just vanish! I’m in one of those moods and on the verge of bad thoughts, tears and anger and the whiny’s! Why God why do you spare me – who’s worth am I to be here. I hate it when it comes about! My heart can’t take anymore of this shit – my mind can’t take it either. I wish I could write Mike a letter, maybe I will. Maybe I’ll mail it! I don’t know! Maybe I just need ice cream! Who knows itMy birthday is coming up soon and yet again it will be a shitty birthday, I’m sure – really crap! I wish I could just vanish under a rock seriously just vanish! I’m in one of those moods and on the verge of bad thoughts, tears and anger and the whiny’s! Why God why do you spare me – who’s worth am I to be here. I hate it when it comes about! My heart can’t take anymore of this shit – my mind can’t take it either. I wish I could write Mike a letter, maybe I will. Maybe I’ll mail it! I don’t know! Maybe I just need ice cream! Who knows it

I go to IOP again tomorrow from nine to 3:30 PM I don’t know why so intense I thought it was nine hours a week not 18 hours a week! Oh well, I guess! Seriously, oh well!

I’m reading “the five love languages” right now trying to find better ways to communicate. So I’m off to reading then bed early. Gym tomorrow morning and I OP. Must make some self care appointments too!