Slept six hours I slept off and on last night I kept waking up I think I had bad dreams, But with the trazodone I can’t tell whether I dream or not. I just felt like I had nightmares! Ran downstairs and got my phone at 5:30 AM. I have my phone until 630 and I’m gonna plug away at the computer. I still have more to do and will get that accomplished soon.I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that. I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that.
How am I feeling mentally?
stressed out, but excited
How am I feeling physically?
How am I feeling spiritually?
I keep praying
What are my goals for the day?
follow my exit list I made
Mike for this next step in recovery
Each Day A New Beginning
Daily Meditation Guide for Woman
By Karen Casey
“One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach; one can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.“ – And Morrow Lindbergh
Being selective and choosing activities, and choosing friends, and choosing material possessions fosters unexpected appreciation. Too much of any one thing negates whatever specialness might have been realized. If we surround ourselves with acquaintances, we never fully share in knowing if you people well. If surrounded ourselves with “toys”, we never learned how to really want to spend our time.
When we don’t take life too slowly, piece by piece one shell at a time, we avoid the greatest discovery of all, the person within. When our attention to persons, places, things is deliberate and steady, the beauty within the object of our focus shines forth, and we, too, I made more beautiful in the process.￼
Today, I will take time to smell the flowers
On our last day at Decision Point we’re not allowed to go to classes and we have to wait until 2 PM to leave to get our phone and do our final check out and then someone has to come and pick us up. So I have most of the day to get different chores, packing meeting with doctors, meeting with nurses, and final residential exit.
My leaving to do list
wash bed linens
Pack up clothes
Pack up shoes
Pack up all stuff
Clean all drawers, closet, floors, underneath all furniture
Relabel all of my food, pack whatever food I want and clean off my pantry shelves
Meet with psychiatrist
Meet with nurses for my meds
Figure out transportation
Do residential discharge
Get my phone
Get dressed and ready
Say all my goodbyes
According to Jess yesterday, she said that Mike was waiting until 12 noon today to make a final decision. So far I’m not sure where I’ll be going I know I’ll be going somewhere and I’m not sure how I’ll be getting there. I contemplated running a car however I don’t have enough funds at my disposal for the deposit the car yes deposit no. So I’m incredibly nervous my stomach is turning leaps and bounds. I wonder how long he’ll keep punishing me for.
It’s nice when no one’s around I have the music on really loud while I do my cleaning and packing no one will be back to the apartment until around noon from lunch break so I have a good three hours to get everything I need accomplished.
So, Hannah, from Camelback, called the residential area. Apparently she’s been trying for quite some time to get a hold of me. Mike’s decided on Camelback recovery but he has “hard lines“ or rules that matter he must have full ROI access. He must have full access to my bank account and I am not allowed to spend any money out of my bank account. Also all payments have to go through my bank account because if I leave I am financially or fiduciaries responsible. We were having difficulty getting all the documents emails for me to sign to get back to them. Just a fiasco meanwhile I had to see doctors and nurses I’m still not completely packed. Maybe I should’ve started packing last night but I wanted to hang out with the girls.
So I’m ready to leave and there’s no transportation. Mike had not paid or called for any transportation for me to get to and from Prescott to Phoenix. Mary Anne, the owner of Decision Point, kindly paid for a Groome Transportation Phoenix Airport Shuttle so I could get down there. I got my phone, I did my residential check out, hopped in the residential minivan, and got to Groome and they wouldn’t take me.
They didn’t want to take me because of the amount of stuff I had. By this time my uneasy feeling has become completely flourished. Somethings wrong is going to happen. Something just doesn’t feel right about this.I have that feeling where wrong choices have been made and I’m going to regret making any suggestion to Camelback Recovery sober living.
The woman and Groome Transportation kept arguing with me and I kept pleading is there anyway that I can do anything can we solve this problem. I even offered because I still had $100 of what Mike left me of $200 when I got to Decision Point for petty cash. Eventually she went and she asked the manager and he said just this one time as long as the bus driver agrees and he did he felt sorry for me. I guess a lot of the sober living in treatment centers where I’m located have a tendency to just drop off and dump people there with all their belongings to get sent back onto an airport or wherever there is they may go and groom transportation is sick of it.
It was a nice quiet drive on the way down I just listen to music with my beats that I haven’t been able to listen to since I got to Decision Point and got dropped off at whatever terminal a number I was supposed to be. I waited over two hours to get picked up because Mercedes one of the House manager’s kept getting lost and couldn’t figure out the airport system. So yes I eventually got picked up. We drove to her in the airport to the house in Scottsdale and started to unload my stuff. As we entered into the garage I was introduced to one of the gals there who is not nice at all. Women typically are bitchy so I’m brushing it off for now. I’m hoping tomorrow when she actually meets meets me things will change. I’m kind of exhausted from the day so I’m gonna get a little unpacked and go to bed for now until tomorrow.
“We loose the fear of making decisions, great and small; that we realize that should our choice be wrong we can, if we will, learn from experience.” – Bill W
*My Family Scuplt Today
Slept 5.5 hours, it’s 3:30 AM I have so much anxiety, not even the anxiety meds seem to be helping. They probably are – I’m just beyond it at this point. Today’s a new day, perhaps I will get some much-needed answers. I need to write my mile long to do list. Knowing I’m here and nothing will easily or timely or time allotted get finished, but I strive to do so – no pun intended.
I slept OK. It’s just the mornings when I get up I remember where I am and how I got here. My situation doesn’t gradually creep into existence, and abruptly shocks and stands. Is the worst nightmare I’ve ever had to come to floo Asian, every morning! It’s more overwhelming than the laundry monster. So I’m always in a discontentedly shitty ass mood every day. It’s all my doing which makes it even worse… There is no deflecting this shit show I created!
My Daily Focus
How am I feeling mentally?
How am I feeling physically?
How am I feeling spiritually?
Would like to be more connected today
What are my goals for the day?
I have some PHP to do today
Mary Avni Lorenzo Dave and Jake not to mention Gregson
Just for Today – May 24
“As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.”
Basic Text, p. 81
Rather than risk vulnerability, many of us have developed habits that keep others at a safe distance. These patterns of emotional isolation can give us the feeling we are hopelessly locked behind our masks. We used to take risks with our lives; now we can take risks with our feelings. Through sharing with other addicts, we learn that we are not unique; we do not make ourselves unduly vulnerable simply by letting others know who we are, for we are in good company. And by working the Twelve Steps of the NA program, we grow and change. We no longer want or need to hide our emerging selves. We are offered the opportunity to shed the emotional camouflage we developed to survive our active addiction.
By opening ourselves to others, we risk becoming vulnerable, but that risk is well worth the rewards. With the help of our sponsor and other recovering addicts, we learn how to express our feelings honestly and openly. In turn, we become nourished and encouraged by the unconditional love of our companions. As we practice spiritual principles, we find strength and freedom, both in ourselves and in those around us. We are set free to be ourselves and to enjoy the company of our fellow addicts.
Just for today: I will openly and honestly share with another recovering addict. I will risk becoming vulnerable and celebrate my self and my friendship with other NA members. I will grow.
I’m not as vulnerable as one would expect. I am always afraid of opening up. It comes from my childhood – I tell the truth and was always challenged, hurt, gotten in trouble. My parents focus so much on me – I wanted to keep my things to myself. It’s not that I don’t trust to tell some, but I can’t tell all! “As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.“
9 to 10 AM Relapse Prevention with Jess and Krista
Mary – Thursday
Avni – Friday
Dave – Friday
Write a letter to my disease:
In class today we’re supposed to write a letter to our disease. They gave us a packet of sample letters to read aloud. And then we were to write her own. I have much more to say in mine but we were given five minutes to write it. I probably will write a much longer one when this is all said and done so I can also say how happy I am that “IT” is gone or “IT” can eat shit.
Fuck you! Svedka!!!!
10:15 to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra
So before class started, I was handed the below documents. I about lost my shit. What I was told that all of the information I have given prior as well as asked them to make sure that Mike got it after the court date they did not. I was told today that they won’t contact him because of the court order. I’m not sure why but they said that because there’s an order protection on me they can no longer contact Mike. The staff gave me paperwork on how to put a restraining order on my husband. I was not and I’m not pleased. There is no way I will ever do that. I will not play tit for tat with my husband. For all the love I have for him I won’t do that I am a better person – he may not have respect for me anymore but I will not go to that level or low. I did leave a text telling him we needed a mediator I will leave now and 7 1/2 days and have no financial plan. I’m pretty upset, scared and pissed off
Then the texts begin. I Ask Mike if we can get a mediator and that was not going to fly. He thinks I’m avoiding him. he thinks I’m avoiding the inevitable. He obviously thinks I’m going to come home. I have no plans of that. He told me that my son won’t even talk to me and if I try to talk to him I’m going to prison so the likelihood that I am going to go home now.
And I keep getting threatened about my parents. I’m a grown ass woman I married you so I feel you should take care of me and love me no matter what. it is over….there is no love, understanding, or care. He said he loved me…I can’t trust him, he’s just like my family.
Today in primary therapy group it was my family scope.It was really difficult and there were a lot of tears.
My family scope:
Treyson played my husband
John C played my son
And Lorenzo played my mother
The words to repeat/sentences to repeat over and over in unison are…
Treyson: “I talk to you before, you chose booze over your family.“
Lorenzo: “why did you do this to my baby boy.“
John C: “don’t talk to me ever”
As a repeated simultaneously I started to cry – it was a lot to hear their words repeated to me over and over again. I let it go for one minute, and then I stopped it. The voices I heard loudest and most clear were Treyson and John C, Mike and my son. I then sat down with Treyson in front of me face-to-face and I had to speak to Treyson as if he was Mike acknowledge Mike’s words, fear, and hurt and I didn’t apologize or say sorry saying those words don’t mean anything for me anymore I said I know I destroyed us. I said I will love you forever and never love again, probably never be with another person again. I said I was OK with that and I said I let you go, I want you to leave, if there is no longer a chance… I let you go! Treyson was bawling Mary was bawling Jessica was bawling Cindy with Molly we were all in tears. Treyson and I are opposites in the sense that his wife wouldn’t stop math and his family and friends told him to divorce her. I was his wife and his sculpt a week before and then we did mine. John C then took the seed play my son and I apologize profusely I pleated and balled my fucking eyes out it broke my heart! Then everybody just stood up and hugged me while I was bawling. That was fucking hard.
530 to 7 PM AA Meeting: Meditation at The Methodist Church
I just prayed for an hour and a half. Are you listening? Do you hear me? Are you walking with me? Can I ever be forgiven?
I slept 5 1/2 hours. It’s 3:40 AM I’m exhausted and tired, sad, anxious, nervous, and depressed! I feel I feel like I just got here to Desicion Point all over again, with all the unknowing, as when I just arrived. I am not nervous to leave here. It is easy to not want to drink at all. Because of what happened and the embarrassment of it all! I am, as it happens excited to go to Scottsdale. I feel like a fresh start is good. I don’t think I will ever come back (live I mean) in Prescott. That’s just too much; too many people involved and I don’t want to be a part of that nightmare.
I get my phone in an hour. Hopefully no nasty messages from Mike. It’s not like I have anyone to call. I don’t want anyone to know. Mike has burnt bridges on behalf of me. Maybe that was wrong to say. He has told people, many people, and I don’t want to ever talk about it. Besides I know deep down it is over, I will never see my son and never be a wife to make again – my son I will fight for. I don’t know that I want to fight for Mike. I know he’s hurt, but his capabilities and actions in this not the man I married, nor am I nor will I ever be the woman he married.
I’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’m stronger I don’t know that Mike will like me anymore.i’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’d like to think that he would like me but I need to change my whole look I want to become the person I was meant to be I have a happiness and I am fulfilled, I feel like I have a purpose I think people want to read what I have to say. Mike probably won’t like that either.
Memorial Day is upon us and today it will be a lot more lax, and chill as for programming. Bonus, we get a barbecue! I’m looking forward to that! I need to finish the pasta salad this morning and give it to John so he can add his magic (the pepperonis and extras) as we split the cost/or groceries to be honestly specific.
It’s 4:50 AM and I need to get ready. I’m going to wear the shirt that Mike bought me one of the shirts I actually like that he brought to me while I was here. I wish you would’ve brought more clothes. As I’m beginning to get ready to order some. A new style for a new me.
My Daily Focus
How am I feeling mentally?
Anxious/sort of good
How am I feeling physically?
Anxious – my body feels it!
How am I feeling spiritually?
Trying and praying for some type of an answer
What are my goals for the day?pppppp
I don’t know I can’t move forward
Just for Today – May 30
“Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone.”
Basic Text, p. 81
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people.
Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous out of the desperate loneliness of our addiction. After coming to meetings, we begin to make new friends, and often our feelings of loneliness ease. But many of us must contend with loneliness throughout our recovery.
What is the cure for loneliness? The best cure is to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of our heart. We find that when we have a belief in a Higher Power, we never have to feel lonely. We can be alone more comfortably when we have a conscious contact with a God of our understanding.
We often find deep fulfillment in our interactions with others as we progress in our recovery. Yet we also find that, the closer we draw to our Higher Power, the less we need to surround ourselves with others. We begin to find a spirit within us that is our constant companion as we continue to explore and deepen our connection with a Power greater than ourselves. We realize we are spiritually connected with something bigger than we are.
Just for today: I will take comfort in my conscious contact with a Higher Power. I am never alone.
9 AM to 11:30 AM Primary Group with Gregson
Because it’s Monday he’s calling it Monday Group Soup! Too funny I love all the soup recipes though it makes all of us kind of happy. I think I am the only person who actually makes all the soup recipes. Well except for the cheeseburger one I already know that one taste like shit. My Connor and I tried it once I had a friend who said it was the bomb and it was definitely a bomb but not in a good sense. It was a definite thumbs down from my family.
Traits I am/I know I am:
loyal, attractive, creative, strong ,resilient, decisive, and tolerant
Traits I wish I was more like and I need to work on:
Friendly, patient, relaxed
Learning about early recovery and cravings – following through with it – sponsors – we need them not to fall into our cravings! We don’t want to do drugs or drink – we are too dependent on her addiction.
What is my spirit animal I didn’t choose and I did a pass in class, but I really think it’s either a butterfly, a ladybug, or a hummingbird. I will Google today and find one – one tell the world as tomorrow I must announce and explain!
Butterfly Spirit Animal:
The butterfly spirit animal symbolizes thepsyche, just like the ladybug spirit animal, and how you should be in tune with your emotions and spirit. Spiritually speaking, the butterfly spirit animal signifies resurrection and the need for meditation if you wish to take the road to enlightenment.
But perhaps the most well-known butterfly symbolism is that of rebirth, metamorphosis, and transformation.
This is because the butterfly goes through different stages before it comes out to the world better, stronger, and more beautiful.
This means that your life will also be moving through different stages.
You will also undergo different struggles and take giant leaps so that you can grow, change, and become someone you have never even imagined.
Just like the eagle, the butterfly totem encourages you to have a change in perspective, personality, and personal habits for the sake of your well-being.
If you will never change, you will never see your full potential!
The meaning of the butterfly also indicates playfulness and lightness of being and spirit. Life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time!
Your butterfly spirit animal is reminding you to pause and take a breather, because life is short! Sometimes a different perspective is all you need to ease the heaviness or the tensions that you are experiencing.
The butterfly has bold, bright, and beautiful colors, which symbolize the need to bring joy and happiness into your life. Lighten up and bring more color in and show the world your colorful personality!
Here is why the Butterfly Spirit animal is Lucky for some…
When the butterfly spirit animal appears to you, it means that you are ready to let go of someone or something that has been keeping you shackled.
This has been holding you back, and it will be gone from your life soon!
The butterfly meaning wants to tell you that you are now ready to delve deeper in your journey.
You are now heading to a new level of awareness, and your choices are becoming the catalysts for that transformation that you are looking for in your life.
The butterfly symbolism tells you of your hidden potential. It signals the time for you to spread your wings and fly!
Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/butterfly-spirit-animal/
The Ladybug Spirit Animal:
Symbol of good luck, the ladybug is said to give blessings to those she encounters. Master in the art of metamorphosis, she transforms from a hideous larva to a beautiful insect adorned with bright colors. This totem animal is a powerful ally to make important changes in your life and go through your life’s journey with ease. Let’s discover its encouraging message: Believe in yourself and dare!
What Do Ladybugs Symbolize?
Whether you meet the ladybug in reality or in a dream, it is generally considered a symbol of good luck and happiness.
The main meanings of the ladybug are:
Importance of lightness
Changes, even metamorphosis
Going beyond illusion
A happy resolution to a hassle
The miraculous at play in the everyday life
The importance of staying alert to avoid pitfalls
The need to know yourself well to make the right life choices
Ladybug symbolism is centered around positivity and happiness. Seeing a ladybug is therefore usually considered as a good omen.
The Ladybug, A Symbol Of Luck And Positivity
When the ladybug shows up in your life, it surely signifies that positive change is on the way. This humble-looking spirit animal is a most-trusted ally when it comes to brightening the day and disrupting a gloomy mood our outlook.
This spirit animal brings a breath of fresh air if you’re getting caught in the daily grind or feel things are getting confusing or simply just too dark. Call her as a lucky charm to deal with a tricky situation or relationship, or to get out of your own head if need be!
The ladybug spirit animal has always been a symbol of good luck. If you have a wish that you would like to come true, the ladybug symbolism is an indication that your wish will be granted very soon!
When you chance upon a ladybug, make a wish and watch it fly away and make your wish come true.
In case you didn’t know anything about the hummingbird spirit animal, it represents lightness of being. Just like the fly symbolism, the enjoyment of life is also a hummingbird symbolism.
People who have the hummingbird as a spirit animal are being called to enjoy life more and release the negativity wherever it is present.
All these from a fascinating bird that can perform amazing feats which can truly surprise you!
Common Hummingbird Spirit Animal Meanings
The hummingbird meaning is of love and happiness. It represents the miracle of life, and all the wonderful things that make up life.
Just like the hummingbird that flies far and wide, it’s about being able to endure long and arduous journeys with joy and playfulness.
It’s about learning to be independent and being present in the moment.
The hummingbird totem encourages you to enjoy life and keep yourself light and free. Enjoy life because it is fleeting.
Release all the negativities to let the love and light in. Open your life to the good energies so that you can receive more love and joy.
When you have an affinity with the hummingbird, you are also able to move swiftly and think quickly. You glide from one place to the next.
The hummingbird meaning also brings to light the time to show your loved ones how much you truly appreciate and love them.
Do not be so preoccupied with accolades and material wealth, because none of these things matter if you have no one to share them with.
The hummingbird symbolism prompts you to be ready for life’s surprises, and to adapt to any situation, no matter how demanding or challenging.
Learn to fight without harming anyone, and do it simply with the courage and wisdom that you possess.
If Your Spirit Animal is the Hummingbird, read this carefully…
Unlike the elephant, the hummingbird symbolism speaks about love. It’s a powerful totem of love and romance.
If you chance upon a hummingbird, focus on the love that you have, and the love that’s soon to come. If you don’t give it the care and attention that it deserves, it will fly away from you!
The hummingbird meaning also signifies enchantment, and how you should allow yourself to take great delight in the big and small things.
Never lose your sense of wonder, because this will help you on your journey towards love, happiness, and spiritual enlightenment.
Do this if you see the Hummingbird Totem in Your Dreams…
When you see the hummingbird spirit animal, you are being prepared for the journey ahead of you.
Start paying attention to the small details, because you never know when something seemingly insignificant can be helpful.
The hummingbird symbolism also urges you to conserve your energy when you are embarking on a journey. Don’t go full speed so soon because you will quickly lose your momentum.
It’s time to face new challenges and fight for your beliefs.
The hummingbird totem symbolizes the need for endurance and perseverance, and experiencing more joy, love, and happiness by finding it in the simplest things.
Positive Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal
The hummingbird spirit animal appears out of nowhere bearing gifts of joy and happiness, bringing with an air of magic in your life. It’s a symbol of good things!
When your spirit animal is the hummingbird, you share its traits of being small but strong. You are also courageous, determined, flexible, and adaptable.
You strive to create peace when there’s no peace to be found, and you are careful to protect and remain within your boundaries.
You possess great courage and resilience, and you are tireless in your pursuit of a good and happy life.
You are loyal and affectionate, sincere and energetic, and playful and happy. Just like your hummingbird totem, you can accomplish the impossible while having a great time doing it!
Negative Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal
The hummingbird spirit animal can fly backwards. Symbolically, it shows you can look back at your past and revisit it from time to time, but without living in it or dwelling in it too much.
The meaning of the hummingbird also speaks of emotional instability, because you shift rapidly from one emotion to the next with no warning.
It seems like a tireless bird with plenty of energy, but it does get tired and burnt out, too.
The hummingbird spirit animal burns a lot of energy when in flight, so it forages for food constantly. Remember to rest often and allow your body to recharge.
Feed yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The hummingbird symbolism is a reminder on how you should expend your energy without harming yourself.
There will be plenty of flighty thoughts and frivolous ideas when it comes to the hummingbird. Be mindful of these things for they may take away your focus on the things that truly matter.
Call on your Hummingbird Spirit Animal when:
You need your moods to be lifted.
The hummingbird can instill joy and happiness in your life. The presence of the hummingbird totem is like a ray of sunshine on a rainy day.
You need to have a more optimistic outlook in life.
Find your way out of the dark by taking to heart what your hummingbird totem wants to tell you. When the negativity seems too much, release it all and let the positive energies in.
You need more joy and enthusiasm in your life.
Increase the happiness in your life and find ways to let joy in. There are so many ways, if you will just open your eyes and see!
5 Unusual Facts About Hummingbird Symbolism
Hummingbird symbolism can certainly be far more productive and positive than you would perhaps give it credit for, but it all depends on the way in which you can apply the different aspects that apply to you.
Of course, you do need to know what it focuses on in the first place which is why it can be important to look at several key facts surrounding this particular spirit animal.
1. It represents being happy with life.
The first thing to mention is that the hummingbird spirit animal represents the idea of you being more than happy with life at this moment in time.
There are many areas where this can apply, but the main thing is that you have a sense of contentment surrounding you that may not have always been there.
2. It linked to love and the wonders of life.
There is a lightness surrounding hummingbird symbolism and it is linked to you feeling light when you are in love, so if the spirit animal appears then it could signify that you will be entering into that phase in your life soon.
It will also look at you being left amazed by the wonders of life and marvel at nature that surrounds you.
3. It symbolises being in the present moment.
Hummingbird symbolism is also directly linked to the idea of you being present in the moment. You should not sit there and worry about the past or stress about the future.
Instead, you need to enjoy what is happening as of this very minute to then make sure that you get the absolute maximum enjoyment out of it wherever you can.
4. You are resilient and free.
The hummingbird spirit animal is also going to let you see that you are free as both a human as well as a spirit, and you need to try to make the most of that in your life.
Also, you are resilient and capable of putting up with so much if you are only willing to tackle whatever life throws at you and do it with a smile on your face.
5. Show your loved ones that you care.
Finally, hummingbird symbolism is also closely related to the idea of letting your loved ones know that you do indeed care about them.
Don’t wait until something bad has happened, but rather you have to stress this as soon as possible.
This is to hopefully provide them with the same light feeling that you have experienced when you are in love as it is certainly something that is worth sharing.
Overall, hummingbird symbolism is all about not being surrounded by negative energy and looking to build on what you have and being quite content with everything in your surroundings.
This may not be easy at first, but the hummingbird spirit animal is there to guide you and to force you into looking at things at this exact moment in time.
If you can turn your attention to it in that way, then your future will indeed look significantly brighter.
My final thoughts on the Hummingbird Spirit Animal and its Symbolism
The hummingbird meaning is about movement, and how with skillful maneuvering and a little bit of magic, you can achieve even the impossible.
Be tenacious in pursuing your dreams, and never back down!
Go on big and exciting adventures, love like you’ve never loved before, and be completely immersed in new experiences. Whatever it is you decide to do, always look up and move forward!
I think I’d like to be a little of each actually. I choose all three as my spirit animal. Its my story damn it and Ill decide my spirit animal. I think I need someone to draw me a morph of all three and hav it painted to put on my wall and display for the world to see!
11 AM to 12:30 PM Team Building with Troy
Troy comes up with the absolute coolest stuff to do. I swear. So today it’s a game and we’re playing it all against each other in groups.
The story is we are all in a plane crash in Northern California it’s 20° wearing clothes we would be in if we were in Phoenix. We are near a river. we must choose five items out of 11 items. And you have to choose these items based on how you think you will survive.
A pistol which is worth four points
A tarp which is worth eight
Steel wool which is worth 11 points
A lighter which is worth 12 points
And a set of clothes is worth 10 points
We got a total of 45 points we were second place
So here is the real exercise:
Team Building Exercise – Airplane Crash Survival EXPLANATION Mid-January is the coldest time of year in Northern Canada. The first problem the survivors face is the preservation of body heat and the protection against its loss. This problem can be solved by building a fire, minimizing movement and exertion, using as much insulation as possible, and constructing a shelter. The participants have just crash-landed. Many individuals tend to overlook the enormous shock reaction this has on the human body and the deaths of the pilot and co-pilot increases the shock. Decision-making under such circumstances is extremely difficult. Such a situation requires a strong emphasis on the use of reasoning for making decisions and for reducing fear and panic. Shock would be shown in the survivors by feelings of helplessness, loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. These feelings have brought about more fatalities than perhaps any other cause in survival situations. Certainly the state of shock means the movement of the survivors should be at a minimum, and that an attempt to calm them should be made. Before taking off, a pilot has to file a flight plan which contains vital information such as the course, speed, estimated time of arrival, type of aircraft, and number of passengers. Search-and-rescue operations begin shortly after the failure of a plane to appear at its destination at the estimated time of arrival. The 20 miles to the nearest town is a long walk under even ideal conditions, particularly if one is not used to walking such distances. In this situation, the walk is even more difficult due to shock, snow, dress, and water barriers. It would mean almost certain death from freezing and exhaustion. At temperatures of minus 25 to minus 40, the loss of body heat through exertion is a very serious matter. Once the survivors have found ways to keep warm, their next task is to attract the attention of search planes. Thus, all the items the group has salvaged must be assessed for their value in signaling the group’s whereabouts. The ranking of the survivors items was made by Mark Wanvig, a former instructor in survival training for the Reconnaissance School of the 101st Division of the U.S. Army. Mr. Wanvig currently conducts wilderness survival training programs in the Minneapolis, Minnesota area. This survival simulation game is used in military training classrooms. Answer: RANKINGS
Cigarette lighter (without fluid). The gravest danger facing the group is exposure to cold. The greatest need is for a source of warmth and the second greatest need is for signaling devices. This makes building a fire the first order of business. Without matches, something is needed to produce sparks, and even without fluid, a cigarette lighter can do that.
Ball of steel wool. To make a fire, the survivors need a means of catching he sparks made by the cigarette lighter. This is the best substance for catching a spark and supporting a flame, even if the steel wool is a little wet.
Extra shirt and pants for each survivor Besides adding warmth to the body, clothes can also be used for shelter, signaling, bedding, bandages, string (when unraveled), and fuel for the fire.
Can of Crisco shortening. This has many uses. A mirror-like signaling device can be made from the lid. After shining the lid with steel wool, it will reflect sunlight and generate 5 to 7 million candlepower. This is bright enough to be seen beyond the horizon. While this could be limited somewhat by the trees, a member of the group could climb a tree and use the mirrored lid to signal search planes. If they had no other means of signaling than this, they would have a better than 80% chance of being rescued within the first day. There are other uses for this item. It can be rubbed on exposed skin for protection against the cold. When melted into oil, the shortening is helpful as fuel. When soaked into a piece of cloth, melted shortening will act like a candle. The empty can is useful in melting snow for drinking water. It is much safer to drink warmed water than to eat snow, since warm water will help retain body heat. Water is important because dehydration will affect decision-making. The can is also useful as a cup.
20 x 20 foot piece of canvas The cold makes shelter necessary, and canvas would protect against wind and snow (canvas is used in making tents). Spread on a frame made of trees, it could be used as a tent or a wind screen. It might also be used as a ground cover to keep the survivors dry. Its shape, when contrasted with the surrounding terrain, makes it a signaling device.
Small ax Survivors need a constant supply of wood in order to maintain the fire. The ax could be used for this as well as for clearing a sheltered campsite, cutting tree branches for ground insulation, and constructing a frame for the canvas tent.
Family size chocolate bars (one per person) Chocolate will provide some food energy. Since it contains mostly carbohydrates, it supplies the energy without making digestive demands on the body.
Newspapers (one per person) These are useful in starting a fire. They can also be used as insulation under clothing when rolled up and placed around a person’s arms and legs. A newspaper can also be used as a verbal signaling device when rolled up in a megaphone-shape. It could also provide reading material for recreation.
Loaded .45-caliber pistol. The pistol provides a sound-signaling device. (The international distress signal is 3 shots fired in rapid succession). There have been numerous cases of survivors going undetected because they were too weak to make a loud enough noise to attract attention. The butt of the pistol could be used as a hammer, and the powder from the shells will assist in fire building. By placing a small bit of cloth in a cartridge emptied of its bullet, one can start a fire by firing the gun at dry wood on the ground. The pistol also has some serious disadvantages. Anger, frustration, impatience, irritability, and lapses of rationality may increase as the group awaits rescue. The availability of a lethal weapon is a danger to the group under these conditions. Although a pistol could be used in hunting, it would take an expert marksman to kill an animal with it. Then the animal would have to be transported to the crash site, which could prove difficult to impossible depending on its size.
Quart of 100 proof whiskey. The only uses of whiskey are as an aid in fire building and as a fuel for a torch (made by soaking a piece of clothing in the whiskey and attaching it to a tree branch). The empty bottle could be used for storing water. The danger of whiskey is that someone might drink it, thinking it would bring warmth. Alcohol takes on the temperature it is exposed to, and a drink of minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit whiskey would freeze a person’s esophagus and stomach. Alcohol also dilates the blood vessels in the skin, resulting in chilled blood belong carried back to the heart, resulting in a rapid loss of body heat. Thus, a drunken person is more likely to get hypothermia than a sober person is.
Compass. Because a compass might encourage someone to try to walk to the nearest town, it is a dangerous item. Its only redeeming feature is that it could be used as a reflector of sunlight (due to its glass top).
Sectional air map made of plastic. This is also among the least desirable of the items because it will encourage individuals to try to walk to the nearest town. It’s only useful feature is as a ground cover to keep someone dry. How to score: Each team should list its top 5 choices in order prior to seeing the answer sheet. To award points, look at the ranking numbers on this answer sheet. Award points to each team’s top choices according to the numbers here. For example, the map would earn 12 points, while the steel wool would earn 2 points. Lowest score wins (and survives).
12 Noon to 4:30 PM Memorial Day Barbecue
So much fun! It was nice to have some fun! But the guys and the girls got to hang out together with the boys! So much great food laughs and a lot of fun!
Slept eight hours it’s 4:50 AM 10 days left and so much to do. One thing at a time, Shannon! Today is our foe anniversary. The day Mike and I exchanged our vows formally in front of friends and family. I wore a gorgeous dress and everything was perfect… Caterers, cake, music! I was gorgeous, amazing, loving – it was a great day, 16 1/2 years ago.
Avni and I went to the gym and it was great it was a good workout. I didn’t like it before but I love working out and actually going to the gym! It could be because it’s an outing and I get to leave the residential and go to an actual gym or now that I’m sober my health is much more of a concern. So I’m putting this in my routine for sobriety.
9:30 to 11:30 AM SOUPER Fun Day Sunday Group Soup With Gregson, Troy and Rebecca
My Daily Focus
How am I feeling mentally?
How am I feeling physically?
A great work out
How am I feeling spiritually?
What are my goals for the day?
Start step four, call Blue Cross/Blue Shield
I’m gonna miss all you guys we’ve all gotten pretty close
Just for Today – May 22
“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”
Basic Text, p. 48
We know how to recognize the disease of addiction. Its symptoms are indisputable. Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior. When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain. We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.
Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict. We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.
If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious. Our best course of action is to get close to these people. As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.
Just for today: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.
Soup of the day…
I didn’t answer some of the last questions. We ran out of time. It could be that I didn’t want to. But I’m going to now finish them as of July 9, 2022.
Who should I grant forgiveness? Mike for not loving me anymore and the emotional anguish that’s causing me. Connor for not thinking, wanting, or needing his mom anymore. My Mother.
Did I include myself on that list? yes
What is preventing me from forgiving myself? It’s very difficult to forgive yourself when you hurt those you love deepest. Yet, I am slowly coming to terms with the nightmare that happened, doesn’t mean I forgive myself.
What am I doing to show compassion to myself? waking up doing my blog – making it an experience, trying to get out there and doing what needs to be done. And self-care trying to make myself beautiful.
Are there other people who also have similar experiences or conditions like me? Yes, many and some far worse
In what ways am I getting more involved and less isolated? I don’t know… I thought I could go back to work but I can’t even seem to get a job there. They know.
How will I come to terms that I am not the only person who has suffered or is suffering? I know I have to come to terms with that.
Self compassion and mindfulness?
Self Compassion: Compassion is the ability to show empathy, love, and concern to people who are in difficulty, andself-compassion is simply the ability to direct these same emotions within, and accept oneself, particularly in the face of failure. Many otherwise compassionate people have a harder time showing compassion for themselves
Mindfulness: The basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. The goal of mindfulness is to wake up to the inner workings of our mental, emotional, and physical processes. Mindfulness is available to us in every moment, whether through meditations and body scans, or mindful moment practices like taking time to pause and breathe when the phone rings instead of rushing to answer it.
In which way will I use mindfullness? I am trying to be mindful of my reations. It is more difficult lately for me because I never cried. I was always mindful except when I drank, and that was definately not mindfulness. I was broken down to my core a few weeks ago. the tears and the issues I was always mindful of have made there way to the surface and I am dealing with emotions I dont show typically. My mindfulness I am sure will be different when this breakthrough (so to speak, for lack of better words, I apologize) has made its way. I was so mindful I didnt show how much I loved nor cared…there are somethings you should rush to answer. I guess what Im trying to say is (if there is such a thing) I would like to practice ‘healthy’ mindfulness and not the ‘unhealthy’ I learned.
Note to myself:
I wish to ragain my selfworth and my self-confiendence back. I can and will attain all I desire if I can work on myself and my mind. I am grateful for the opportunity to do so at the moment. I am grateful to learn how to be the person I once was and shine. When that is accomplished I will forgive myself. I will show my ‘self’ self compassion everyday until I succeed this goal.
Yoga with Rebecca
Rebecca always does really great fun activities when she’s in charge.
Activities in Recovery
Super Cool!!! Today we’re doing a ropes course. Oh my God, it was so much fun. I loved it! It was great! Everyone had so much fun! Mike and our son would love it and it’s not very far away. It’s near the older homes in town. Honestly so cool, I did not do what they called the wind chimes because I was too sore, a lot, from working out and didn’t want to push it too much!
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.“ 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous
So the things that we do instinctually being that we are human sometimes hurt ourselves and others. And the stuff we’re supposed to go back and look at the things that have taken place how they happened what our part/instinct was in the process. These are called Resentments.
Well, I can already tell you, this one is it going to be more difficult than it sounds. Mike always says I like to deflect. I already know myself. That said, the resentments those will be easy but admitting my fault in the situation that is a tough cookie to swallow.
“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there is a scarcity to make it happen.” – Wayne Dryer
Step five. Five hours and it’s 3:40 AM. Last night was so peaceful! I went over to Avni’s apartment for about two hours. She made pizza and we just watched how to get away with murder on the television. I was journaling and she was coloring. It was so incredibly nice to be away from my apartment. Don’t get me wrong everybody is wonderful there. However, no one ever shuts up. They’re so loud with everything that happens. The gossiping and the complaining it’s constant. I feel like I’m constantly held up writing on this twin bed, because the TV is always fucking on. What’s worse is everybody starting to get up at the same time I do and they’re ruining my quiet time. So I’m back in my room the TV finally got turned down. Yeah it’s still loud as fuck. Just think of my mantra only 11 days to go on the 11 days to go!
I’m great now Jim, Mary‘s husband, is coming for a four hour visit today and taking Mary out to dinner. When you were in recovery in charge or PHP, you can have a four hour visit. That’s really a nice thing. Especially for Mary, she talks so highly about Jim and their love and understanding. I know I won’t be having for our visitors and I’m at peace with that. I acknowledge why I’m here where I am and what transpired to get me here. Besides
My friend Avni and I have a lot in common. She’s been through similar to what I am going through. Although, her story didn’t work out., but that’s Avni‘s story to tell. I however know that Mike’s not done. He’s bitter and he’s very angry. No amount of love from my heart right now can fix that. So I feel the worst has yet to come. I do know you have to be separated for six months, Unless some type of law omits that. We shall see, oh I’m sure I will see. Right now, my word is mud. And I have a feeling, then I’m going to screw up regardless of any good intention. I feel like my soul is breaking,and when this is done I’m just going to be a walking soulless shell of a person.
We apparently had a surprise today. Creative expressions is going to be different today. I was already told what it is, as it’s not that big of a surprise. Sometimes they treat us like we’re children, and think the simplest outing is going to make any difference in the world. It’s some type of a potluck and free food, a celebration of sorts. Krista is in charge of creative expressions on the weekends. I stated before we should get new art supplies, so our bad art is on her Creative and inabilities. I guess she tries.
930 to 11:30 AM daily focus with Krista Troy and Rebecca
How am I feeling mentally today?
How many feeling physically?
Hey I worked out
What are my goals for the day?
Getting a hold of my HR manager
What’s my affirmation/gratitude/greatness?
Avni for going to the gym this morning and Mary for getting laid today (that was a joke and I really embarrassed her this morning)
Just for Today – May 23
“We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the expense of anyone else.”
Basic Text, p. 39
Let’s face it: Most of us left trails of destruction in our wakes and harmed anyone who got in our way. Some of the people we hurt most in our addiction were the people we loved most. In an effort to purge ourselves of the guilt we feel for what we’ve done, we may be tempted to share with our loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. Such disclosures could do much harm and may do little good.
The Ninth Step is not about easing our guilty consciences; it’s about taking responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done. In working our Eighth and Ninth Steps, we should seek the guidance of our sponsor and amend our wrongs in a manner that won’t cause us to owe more amends. We are not just seeking freedom from remorse—we are seeking freedom from our defects. We never again want to inflict harm on our loved ones. One way to insure that we do not is by working the Ninth Step responsibly, checking our motives, and discussing with our sponsor the particular amends we plan to make before we make them.
Just for today: I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk with my sponsor.
Rebecca passed out as humans scavenger hunt as a way for us to get to know each other. We kind of got into groups and some of us moved about. To see if we had anything in common. Somethings I hadn’t, with others. Here’s the worksheet…
It’s been proven that if you have a daily routine or a daily schedule your chances of recovery are higher. That’s why here we have routines like making sure the apartment is clean before we leave first thing we should do is make our beds. The time of classes how long we get for a break and what we need to do in that break etc. we went through a pamphlet today explaining a little bit better…
1:30 PM to 3:30 PM creative expressions with Krista
Creative expressions was interesting as we went to the park for narcotics anonymous barbecue and a speaker. I ate a chef salad for lunch so I didn’t eat while I was there. I really didn’t mingle because it wasn’t my thing so I colored for the most part. Avni John Pedro and I snuck over to the swings and played even went down the slide, it’s a good slide by the way! We got to leave early which was nice, that made me happy! Narcotics anonymous is so much different than Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean really different, so are the people ,as well. Yes everyone has a substance abuse problem but in relating to and the program, it is very different. Alcoholics Anonymous, AAA, tries not to stand out too much. Where is narcotics anonymous, and a comma is more like lead to be seen and hear me roar dash in your face kind of way. For now, that’s the best way I can explain it really.
At 5 PM last night I got my phone and I could check emails. Mike ordered the door from Home Depot and kindly use my email address as to rub it in my face, that he ordered it and how much. I can’t even email him and tell him to keep that shit to himself. And order protection it only goes one way – so apparently he can fucking harass me, but I can’t harass him! Talk to him! Email him! Text him! Call him! Well you get the drift. This is what I’m calling daggers I’m starting to know we are over. I hope for forgiveness but too many daggers have been sent my way and I don’t know if I can forgive now.
Sometimes privileges just seem to take a lot longer than expected. Even though they’ve been granted just longer. I can’t log onto the computer because IT codes don’t work and they have been emailed. I can’t log into my Lowe’s account as my password needs to be changed due to the length of time I’ve had it or that I’m still on a leave of absence. Lynn, the HR manager, is off so I’m kind of screwed and getting that apartment at the moment. Aargh! fuck!!
Well it’s close for bed. To completely change the subject I have tried to masturbate three times, now that Savannah has left for good again, and I fucking can’t. I love my husband, but if you’re not around nor do you want to be my mind should let the fuck go so I can at least please myself, but no! Not happening! It sucks! Well good night to me! Until tomorrow!
I slept 7 1/2 hours feels great. It’s 5:40 AM so yeah a little bit late. Was supposed to work out, but too much to do since I slept in so late today. Apartment clean, laundry started. Tracie has strep throat so I am super careful in our apartment.
8:20 AM to 8:50 AM daily focus with Krista
How am I feeling mentally?
Jumbled – sad about a few things I must do
How am I feeling physically?
How am I spiritually?
I haven’t prayed in a couple days
What are my goals for today?
I guess call my sponsor
Everyone for being here and all their hugs I got a lot of closure on one item yesterday!
Just for today:
“We review our past performance and our present behavior to see what we want to keep and what we want to discard.”
Basic Text, p. 29
As each day winds to a close, many of us reflect on the past twenty-four hours and consider how we can live differently in the future. It’s easy for our thoughts to remain trapped in the mundane: change the oil in the car, keep the living room clean, or empty the litter box. Sometimes it takes a special effort to jog our thinking out of the daily rut and onto a higher track.
One simple question can put us on the high road: What do we think our Higher Power wants for us tomorrow? Maybe we need to improve our flagging conscious contact with the God of our understanding. Perhaps we’ve been uncomfortable in our job or our relationship, holding on only out of fear. We might be hiding some troubling defect of character, afraid to share it with our sponsor. The question is, in what parts of our lives do we really want to grow?
As each day ends, we find it beneficial to take some moments to spend time with our Higher Power. We can begin to reflect on what will benefit our program of spiritual growth most in the coming day. We think about the areas in which we have grown recently, and target areas that still require work. What more fitting way to end the day?
Just for today: I will set aside some time at the end of the day to commune with my Higher Power. I will review the past day, meditating on what stands between me and my Higher Power’s will for my life.
My inventory for the day Mike and Decision Point’s day of Seymour equal separation/Apartments/insurance. I must pray …I have turned in my plan. Dave Seymour just needs to call Mike and tell him. So Inventory, my sadness! I love that man and my son but I’m taking inventory I must let them go! So it will be sad today.
letter’s copies made and given:
1 PM with Jess
We looked at the sobriety experience, destiny sober living, and sanctuary sober living all in Phoenix. I like Camelback Recovery and Spero.
Just was given all the information to call Mike. Dave Seymour said he already spoke to Mike and he wants to know what to do financially. It will get done and we will see. Hopefully it goes well. I’m very sad about our love dying. My heart is broken. I can’t do much now. Tempe here I come. I’m not happy about that heat, but I will live.
2 PM to 3:30 PM Cinema Therapy with Wade & Healing Minds with Andy
Keeping your emotions in check! Working on emotions – uncomfortable! It could cause drinking in order to deal with what we/are feeling.
4 PM PHP/recovery in charge with Gregson
Today I earned recovery in charge/PHP. So I will have a different schedule, more cell phone privileges, I can have visitors even though that won’t happen, more walking privileges, more time to work on job search, domestic violence classes or anger management classes. In fact I need to actually sign up for those when I get some money.
Hopefully I will get more accomplished, while I am here I have a lot to accomplish. Seriously a lot of stuff to do. Worked on recovery and charge worksheet, timetable we must turn in for Gregson and or Troy every day! It’s so crazy! A daily schedule turned in I’m not sure for what it’s not like we go far or have a lot to do… This must be a life skill making plans and writing them down. I’m pretty sure I got that one down that I’m almost positive I do! Almost to an OCD level.
I think I slept but maybe only a little bit cut me off my drunken haze all I can remember is that I slap my son don’t do a huge argument with my husband tried to run away from the police and was arrested.I was in a jail cell with three other women I’ll talking amongst themselves. The sheriff came over and had asked if anybody wanted breakfast. The two young girls I actually asked what was for breakfast I pulled the blanket over my head and the sheriff replied it’s delicious I think you’ll like it. I thought for sure the two young girls were going to say something like oh I have my eggs over medium and extra toasted sourdough. But now think it was a peanut butter jelly sandwich and a granola bar. I wasn’t hungry I didn’t care. Shortly after we were told we were getting ready to move. I was a bit discouraged because I knew we were going to camp Verde jail which was two hours away and I did not know how he’s going to get home. I thought well maybe Mike will pick me up this is before I knew I couldn’t talk to my family again. We were exited out of our jail cell and this part is important because it’s the first time in my life I’ve been asked to stand and I was shackled. Yes shackled. Then we were marched like a chain gang into a transport vehicle. No seatbelts all metal every stop every turn you jarred forward or back or slid from side to side there’s two of us on one side and two of us on the other.
I may not beable to place those two young girls faces, but I will never forget there stories as it was their 1st arrest and for about 8 hours they went on and on about their arrests. Pondering all the what ifs’ and were they really going to be in that much trouble. Me and the other lady were about the same age and just paced opposites sides of the jail cell. at some point we were told to change out of our super cute red outfit into a snazzy orange number. Thats when I sat and turned to her and told her that orange was a good color on you. she laughed, and told me she rerally needed a compliment. Web both smiled. It turns out Alberta and I were incarceated for the same charges although we never discussed them. The reason why I mention this is that Alberta did the kindest of acts. After our release she said her son was picking her up and she would head to Phoenix as she had a condo their. Meanwhile, I am barefoot, no p[urse, no money, and no cellphone and was told I can not contact Mike. I was literally stranded 2 hours away. Before she left with her son she asked if I needed anything and I said a bottle of water (very large), a pack of smokes, and a lighter. I scoffed off my request as I didnt think she would come back. She did. She brought me all I asked for and then handed me one hundred dollars so I could get near my home to pick up the truck and clothes and head to a hotel (motel actually).
What did I do for eight days. Every day seems like a distant memory. A horrible feeling from the time you woke up to the time you fell asleep. The only thing was I didn’t sleep. One things for sure I hadn’t stopped drinking yet. But it wasn’t that fun or what I thought was fun kind of buzzed feeling. It was despair at this point I was drinking, I was drinking just a drink. There is no oh I’m almost there at that feels fantastic. The constant gloomOr Hayes rather. The week was a haze.
I went to work on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday I took Thursday and Friday off and put my leave of absence in from that following Monday. I waited all week for Mike to serve me with divorce papers restraining orders whatever. I spent Easter drunk all day I would pass out I would wake back up and I would get drunk again. I had never drink like that ever. But one thing was damn sure make assumed I drink that way so God dammit I was gonna do it it was the most miserable Easter I’ve ever had. I would’ve done anything to talk to Mike have a complete utter argument but now I was left to my own devices from April 10 to the 17th.
When I went to work no one knew I had conversations I smiled I talked I laughed I told everybody hello asked how everybody’s day was, but no one knew. Every time I would walk down an aisle by myself and there was no one there I could let myself feel. The guilt the overwhelming it just rushed over me. I wanted to run down those isles but I didn’t I succumb to that feeling.I was in despair I was in the unknowing. I know I had the arraignment on Tuesday, but I thought I’d see Mike there. He wasn’t there. I was all alone being told by a judge that I can’t see my family. On April 12 after the arraignment I did talk to Mike. He was very reserved you could tell he was sad he didn’t know what to do he was in despair as well. That’s what I was told a divorce was eminent. I was going to happen. That I couldn’t see Connor I was devastated. At that moment I knew that I had just lost the love of my life am I beautiful son. There’s a sadness I can’t explain I hopelessness that added to the despair. So yes I didn’t stop drinking I did call different rehabs drunk in the afternoon when I got home from work. That’s when I found Decision Point I picked it for its name. I had made a decision I may not have been ready right then to commit I should have but I wasn’t. I know I still had to go to work I know I had to admit for the first time to somebody that I was an alcoholic and that somebody wasn’t even my family it was Lynn from HR at Lowe’s. I dotted all my dots so I thought And crossed all my teas – to the best of my ability. I was entering the unknown a forever change of life a change of lifestyle and a change of people who are in my life.
Shannon Coon <email@example.com>
To:Michael Coon,IloveMike Coon
Thu, Apr 14 at 2:38 PM
I removed the Amazon app from my phone entirely, so there is no worry of “more shit mom ordered from Amazon that I paid for… that’s going back”. Thank you for removing me from the Arlo. Every time I got a notification, my heart sank, and I couldn’t breathe. So I took that app off as well. I won’t have access to my phone as often, so email me with the ones you need if there are any passwords. However, you probably don’t.
There is something important I must tell you, and you will be furious. I was still in flight or flight when I arrived at Motel 6. The police were there arresting people. The officers at the civil stand-by asked me not to stay there. I was not okay, I didn’t feel safe, I was confused, and sleep deprieved. I opened a credit card. Please do not call the police and have me arrested. I want to get help and fix what I broke. Sitting in a jail cell will not get me the help I need. After a few hours of sleep, reality set in, I canceled the Best Western, but there was a cancellation fee.
I have paid for the Motel 6 myself with money in my bank account. Almost $800.00 to stay at Motel 6 for eight nights. When I complete rehabilitation, I will pay you for my incurred fee. I am just running out of money as I needed to buy some toiletries, clothes, shower shoes, hiking shoes, and enough cigarettes to last during my stay. I don’t want to Fraud to my already four misdemeanors and over $12,000 in fines and penalties. I am sorry for so many things and added my better lack of judgment to that list.
Hopefully, I will get a court-approved attorney. Then, I will not be shackled and sent to jail in Camp Verde again, as long as I obey the law. I am wrapping up loose ends at the Library today and tomorrow. I prefer to be served the divorce papers at the Motel to concentrate on getting my much-needed help. I am in room 217 at Motel 6.
I need a few things from the house before I enter the facility. These are things I do not feel buying more of is conducive to. Mainly because I have plenty of articles of clothing in the closet. I don’t want to be a burden, more so than I have been. I prefer not to involve any friends because my alcohol binging, domestic violence charges, and divorce are my business to take care of. Mine alone to fix, make right, and deal with. I love you both so much, and I shattered us. I know this. I don’t think any more humiliation will be helpful in the healing process. I will itemize what I predict I will need. I can leave the Motel, and you can leave it at the front desk? You tell me the best way you want to handle it.
Both very dark blue pairs of jeans (one almost looks black)and a belt
The black pair of jeans
Five pairs of shorts
All of my workout clothes (there will be a lot of exercising and hiking as part of the process at this facility). They are located after sweat pants.
The Carhart sweatshirt
A few shirts (not T-shirts, please)
Orange Converse ( I could only find one and need the mate)
Six pairs of underwear
The pink mini facial shaver in the medicine cabinet (the second shelf is battery operated)
My estrogen cream (please bring one from the linen closet, so it has a prescription label)
One very large makeup bag from the underneath sink
My watch charger plugged in at catch-all.
Title to Dodge so I can sign it, and I will leave in the Beast it for you
The Lace Pink Dress, and the Calvin Klien heals you bought me (for Court)
Lastly, the iPod you bought me, I believe it is on top of a tote on the second shelving unit in the black bag; if not, grab my old phone, and I will download motivational and healing podcasts from that to listen to
I think that is everything I will need.
When I figure out the address, you can pick the truck up. There will be items in it I can not have. For example, Tylenol PM, my perfume, tweezers, a computer, some jewelry, a letter that needs to be mailed. I will handle the Alberta letter when I am released, and you can place it in my moving boxes.
I will not text you or call you again. I will only from now on respond to your emails, if any. I will delete all correspondence off my phone, as well.
Mike, you are not the enabler. I bought the Vodka last Tuesday with my own money, knowing full well I would get caught. I was angry at the time of purchase which is no excuse. You are a wonderful man and do not deserve me as your wife or even to be Connor’s Mom. Thank you for the beautiful things and life you gave me. Maybe one day when you are, or perhaps never really, we can talk, and I can tell you why I drink and why to excess. You deserve to know.
I am beyond sad and think about you both all of the time, and I always will with great regret.
Ps. Please do not have me arrested. I do want to be the person you wanted to spend your life with.
My posts are raw and so personal. All of my entries are true Heartaches and triumphs of my recovery. I destroyed my beautiful life, broke my loving husband and shattered my beautiful little boy. I will recover. I have hope that not all is lost. I am stronger than I think..
I like my friend (me) for what it is in her (my) heart, not for the way she (I) does (did) things. – Sandra K Lamberson
I bought the oven bags I went to Ace and I got the tubing and the good ties all that’s left is the helium tank my full prescription of gabapentin. That should take care of it. I need to write my notes tonight get the helium in the morning and double check to make sure I have everything I need. Nothing is worth anything if I can’t have my son I just lost the love of my life and my son, The pure love of my son. The house manager at Sustany house told me my son will forever hate me and nothing I can do ever be right. So it just really don’t think there’s any reason there’s none my husband wants to make sure I have nothing so I will die with nothing I plan on making myself some white trash tacos and I did buy a pack of Marbro lights even though I haven’t splurge like that in a while to figure what the fuck I might as well enjoy a smoke right!. Tell her to have a nice life is all he said there’s no closure there’s no why he changed his mind… And then he’s fighting me on everything I just don’t understand nor do I want to understand if that’s the way it’s gonna be for the rest of my life. I thought about this for days and days and days well since Monday. I spent a couple hours in My favorite Place the library I sat in an awesome chair and I stared out into the architecture it was lovely. Walking in the rain my God I love the rain I love swinging in the rain I don’t think I have time to do that but I do love it so. I was thinking about finishing my book I don’t even see why I should even bother really it’s not worth it probably won’t amount to much anyway. That’s probably how my things you bought me the damn computer so I could write my book he probably thinks it’s lousy I gave him a copy to read he never said a word so yeah it’s probably lousy. I can’t stop crying while I write this. A dead mom is probably better than a loser mom right. There’s no redemption for me and there’s probably no coming back from this no one knows who I am no one cares I’m all alone.
Well conciliation counseling was today at 10 AM. It did not go well not for me anyway. Might listen to the mediators discussion of what we discussed and basically said “I hope she has a nice life with her sobriety“. That’s it! No explanation as to why he said he wanted to reconcile and he’s not wanting to know when did that change did I do something to make you change your mind. Can I get any explanation so I can have some closureAnything, anything… Yeah I got nothing! I know I should’ve seen the writings on the wall I should’ve just read my journal over and over the way Mike Did the things that he did kind of forewarned how he was really feeling inside. From the beginning I cried because I knew he would be gone and I did hold Help but in the back of my mind there is always that… The D word… Divorce. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. But I’m doing good I’m not questioning my sobriety at all. Which brings me to the next item of irritation today or sadness or it’s just really mixed emotions and I can’t figure out which emotion I want first..
So we read the book it’s really a great book didn’t help at all. So I don’t know what to do with the book now because I surely don’t want to be in another relationship.just saying great book but for me I needed reading time no time spent or should have been spent reading this book.
So here are the questions and statements I never got to actually hand Mike or ask him about because I didn’t realize how the meeting was going to be run with a shuttle person since there’s an order of protection but anyway this is my questions and statements. I never got to ask nor did I ever go a chance. He was done before it started.
So I read my “Kendra“ repair me plan. For those of you who don’t know Kendra was my therapist at Decision Point and she said it’s a repair me plan what are you gonna do that’s different that is just you. They all thought Mike was bipolar and all he would do is spew out demands Adam or screaming at the phone so anyway I digress. My repair me plan…
I wrote the plan I guess it’s time for me to start using it. But I don’t think number one giving up my control and letting somebody else take it that was meant for Mike so I calm down and I think he’s taken enough control. I like …nothing defines me like me and I am worth love self respect and dignity.
I tell everyone what happened and they ask if “more” (infidelity, abuse, etc) took place because for Mike to be acting this way and throwing it all away is asinine. However that is exactly what is/ has happened. If he would have seen me during this I’m sure it would have been different. Yet here we are! It’s over. He wants to proceed with the divorce. so I won’t need my nine step letters.
Today is recovery day or an I am with The booth for the house I’m at. Living in sober living especially this Sober Living is a lot different than before we laugh, we get angry at ourselves, but most of all we’re all open with each other. All the girls at my house aren’t afraid to get real and tell the ugly truths. Some of the other Sober Living’s I was at they weren’t that way there wasn’t any comfort and openness. That’s important. We have confidentialities not just out in public with each other. We can tell a story and know that it’s safe and it’s not going anywhere else and that no one is judging.
I think that has been my hardest part of all the judging and not being able to tell the truth of not just how I’m feeling but what transpired. Since I started this five months ago I have grown leaps and bounds. It’s not easy doing the steps. Step four resentments where you have to really look at yourself in the mirror but I’m now working on my step nine. I’m going to try to have it done before I meet with Mike on Monday. I will own up to all of it. I’m scared about Monday by the way, conciliation counseling. Is he going to participate with me is he going to try. I don’t know. I sure hope so though.
Normally I get list to gather and questions I’m going to want to ask or answer the questions that might get asked… This time I haven’t. I want this to go just the way it supposed to go. I don’t want to get it set in my brain that everything needs to go one way or the other. I want to be open and receptive and honest. And I probably won’t even give Mike the night stamp letter until it’s near the end and we’re about to leave. Lying to my own outcome. Who would’ve thought I would feel so amazing, so healthy so fantastic I’m not drinking. It really does feels amazing. I look amazing too I hope that I get to see Mike early as he gets to see me it’s only for a moment I don’t know if you will we’re doing conciliation counseling separated because of the restraining order. And a whole entire different note they are serving hotdogs here at the recovery day but I instead chose to eat six Costco chocolate chip cookies much more satisfying. I’m over kind of in a corner blogging as I’m really not much for large crowds specially large crowds of recovery people but nonetheless I’m here.
I’ve been coloring a lot lately with my gel pens to get my mind off of Monday and everything else that seems to cloud up my mind and I catastrophize about. Maybe that’s why I’m not making lists and writing out questions or answers to questions that may have been… I don’t want to catastrophize.The coloring really does help though really does help a lot. Keeps my mind occupied and positive and fresh. I wanna go to bed I have beautiful happy wonderful dreams that’s what I’m staying focused on coloring and my beautiful dreams there’s just the hours in between that I try to stay focused on the positive.
Giving up some control in allowing someone else to take the reins and just relax. I have a really hard time with that and I think for the most part that’s what’s gotten me in the most trouble. I stopped drinking but I seem to have fucked everything up more than I did when I was drinking. Anything and everything that could go wrong or sideways has I know I said it before I feel like I’m back in college all alone.
I made stupid mistakes back then really dumb careless. Yet the mistakes I’m making now aren’t dumb they’re not calculated they’re not manipulated they’re just things that happened I can’t even explain or talk or say how I feel to anybody that’s important to me. All they believe is what they believe is none sense. I try to write a letter no response I tried to send a text no response. I get it I do… I made a mistake…Granted a big one. Have you ever felt like they tell you to put it in God’s hands and let him take control it is his will and what will happen will happen and it’s all for the best… Just relax and let God do his work. That’s not working out so well for me. Just relax not working out so well for me. Just focus on your recovery. Well at some point I wish they could just relax and do that but I can’t I haven’t been able to since I started this I’m running on Mike’s demands or I was and then nothing.Well at some point I wish they could just relax and do that but I can’t I haven’t been able to since I started this I’m running on Mike’s demands or I was and then nothing.
So I try to get some thing and learn something out of every mishap or mistake. But I’m really having trouble learning anything. So yes this time I’m giving up all control and I guess whatever happens happens I don’t know how much more I can take. I just don’t know. But I’m letting go. Just soaking it all in. It’s gods well that I am to be alone well then I guess that’s it.Just soaking it all in. It’s gods well that I am to be alone well then I guess that’s it.
I’m becoming a bit more spiritual with myself and believe that whatever outcome I will be OK it has to be right. Whoever’s out there and whoever’s listening I need you.
So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on how I wanna approach this conciliation. I don’t even know if Mike will say anything to me. Or if you have more demands or if you won’t offer anything at all. I have to be OK with this. I texted my mom today and told her that I loved her, no reply. I did get a reply from my grandpa though that was nice. The owner of Sustany has tried calling my father for me of course he didn’t answer.
On a different note it’s sad, I’ve been thinking about Mike and my son all day. I wanted to call Mike every time I took a break. Tell him how my day is to tell him what trainings like how crazy the cash office is in balancing all those registers and the safe and everything else it’s nuts. But I can’t I can’t tell him anything. It’s been five months and I still hold onto the hope. I am not sure why. When do I draw the line. I guess it will be Monday. Everything just hangs in the balance.
So I took a walk today and swing on the swings at the park, swinging on the swings always gives me joy, perspective, helps me think. I feel a whole more hole than I felt in a very long time. I feel healthy and even sometimes more times than not I find myself smiling. It’s amazing how that feeling can just overcome and overtake you. It’s a really nice feeling to have. My soul doesn’t feel So shattered little by little it’s been healing itself without me even noticing not until this last week.
There’s a lot I don’t understand, a lot I’d like to understand, and things I just have to give up to God. I’ve been focusing on myself the right way this time not afraid phoenix was not good for me. I’m beginning to open up a lot more. I have people that I trust and I really supportive. I haven’t had that for a long time well for a while anyway. It seems like a long time. In reality though this is just a blip on the radar, I know I could do this and I am succeeding. I didn’t destroy my life I didn’t destroy my family it just changed and for me and how good I feel that’s a good thing. Because I couldn’t be much of a mom or wife if I wasn’t whole fight didn’t feel whole if I was binge drinking. Lying to myself lying to the people I love the most. Everything will work out just the way it’s supposed to. Faith in myself, hope for my future and the love of my life.
A lot of crazy things have happened. Apparently yesterday I was supposed to show up to the hearing but I had no documentation that I needed to be at the temporary orders hearing. So it was dismissed. I will redo it. I called an attorney that applied to my case on a website for lawyers. I’m calling him today at 4 PM. Conciliation counseling is next Monday, and I’m worried.
Mike used the suicide note that got sent that would have been before I left for treatment. I did find it on my computer it was sent but according to Outlook if something was in the queue and I turned off my computer because I was going to treatment that email when I turned on my computer on August 24 would’ve been sent. He is using an email from Camel Back Recovery Sober Living to him pretty much saying I fucking lost my mind. Because I went looking for an apartment I rented a car and used the word binge shopping and opening credit cards. I had the fucking credit cards already. I opened one!
The email reads…
Dear Michael during Shannon stay with Camel Back Recovery Sober Living to follow the basic house rules such as chores attending 12 step meetings and working with her sponsor. But towards the middle of her stay her decisions became erratic and spontaneous. There was no pausing when making major decisions. Such as purchasing enough furniture to furnish an apartment with no apartment lined up, renting cars to look for an apartment but in reality use them for 24 hours to go shopping binges and would open up new credit cards to do so. While Shannon was with us and her behavior became erratic she was taken to a higher level of care approximately 72 hours to keep her safe from herself and possibly others. A better report From the doctor. After Shannon 72 hour hold she was recommended to a higher level of care and refused and left our program.
The suicide note reads…
Dear Mike I do not know where to begin I’m an alcoholic. I need to get help and didn’t. I wish you would’ve pushed it more. I wish I wasn’t this far down the rabbit hole. I know you won’t be supportive and help me do this right and positive way. I don’t know why I can’t stop. I can’t figure out for the life of me why I just threw my life away and why I want to kill myself for what I’ve done. I don’t know if I want a life without you and Connor in it and I don’t know if I can. I need you both in this process so I get better, I know you won’t. You were done with me. Tell my son I love him to the moon and back and always well.
So there you have it he’s put to the judge that I’ve lost my fucking mind.
So I saw the therapist today. My knees are shaking my hands are shaking we talked about it we just briefly brushed on how I’m feeling my lack of self-worth. My lack of self-esteem. My catastrophize Ing which is over the top. He told me to stop catastrophize Ing because the judge hasn’t really made any huge decisions. And I Haven’t lost everything yet-haven’t lost my husband my son my life. But I did ask him or he asked me what my goals are and I did say… My goals are to stop being so sad and to learn to just be me alone in this world.
I had told him I had the perfect relationship perfect marriage, he informed me no marriage is perfect. I said well then it was great it was really good we held hands everywhere we talked we listened we we had it so good. He stated he didn’t understand why Mike was being so unkind so it couldn’t of been I mean it may have been but he goes it is it now.No it really isn’t I’m sick of being sad all the time and I just want my husband and my son back to be in my beautiful home. I don’t even know if that’s possible.
Good morning it’s a new month and great things will happen!
My letters are written and my job is set up! I’m ready for work September 6, 2022! I must tell Jenna today! She has a friend and I don’t want to lie to her.
I have to memorize a seven step poem for Sustany house. It goes something like this…
My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you remove from me every single defective character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.
Sitting at Valero behavioral health. I came in today to enroll in classes and luckily I’m already going through their intake process. So that’s great I’m signing up for therapy, EOP which stands for extended outpatient program, and a psychiatrist. I’m so excited to get some things accomplished I wanted to. I didn’t know how before and no one would help. Where I’m at now they help me! They give me suggestions – they actually will give you a ride, and share – it’s amazing! They care and are passionate well I mean compassionate. Unlike all the other places they actually want you to succeed!!!
Woke up at 5 AM. Went to bed at 10 PM. Worked yesterday for American made in Prescott cleaning houses so I can pay for Sustany house rent I needed something because I really like it here. I feel safe. Safe like I did it Decision Point. The owner is so amazing! she actually got me the job to clean houses – all I had to do was ask! She is amazing and has amazing resources! She goes above and beyond to help out!
Yesterday, was a really good day! The gal who picked me up, Jenna was definitely a kindred spirit! She made me laugh and she was fun to be around. We had a Bill‘s Grill for lunch too. Boy, that was nice to eat out – seriously! I felt healthy again yesterday – not sad, not depressed, not 1 ounce of feeling hopeless. The whole thing was such a relief to my soul! Even cleaning help keep my brain clear! Just focused on a task get it done then move onto the next. Felicia will pick me up this morning as Jenna has court. So another day of cleaning houses!
I’m really excited to clean houses dash so my soul can heal a little bit more. Even while camping in the beautiful nature I kept myself isolated.I didn’t come out of my shell – I’m tired of being stuck in my shell! I know it’s not healthy for me! I’ve just been stuck there so long – maybe I didn’t know any different. I’m showered and clothes are in the dryer! At 7 AM and I’m ready to go! I love the way I feel this morning… I feel live in hall – by which I mean not stuck! I’m not vomiting when I brush my teeth or diarrhea every movement and eating food! Mostly I still eat like a bird, not yesterday though that burger was damn good! I loved it! Oh and I bought some dessert from Safeway fucking delicious
Arrived at Sustany Sober Living at 6 PM on August 23, 2022. Michael drove me here after doing some errands. I needed to get my laptop and passport and Social Security card from Mike’s attorneys office, and I needed to get my things from the Oxford house. Oxford house was a fiasco. They wouldn’t give me my things! I finally called the Prescott Valley police. They actually really moved really fast then! One of them said I stole from them – what the fuck did I steal? Who the fuck knows those girls were crazy! Needless to say they stole for me as I don’t have everything that’s OK. In the beginning I couldn’t understand and I would get angry when I couldn’t get my things. I’m getting used to it now! But the anger and look on their faces when an officer/deputy arrived priceless!
Sustany house is amazing the owner lives here and she really takes care of everyone. Some ladies have been here for a long time – it gives me hope I can last year! At least until I can get an apartment of my own! I filed for temporary orders. I filed for $2000 a month and $5000 in attorney fees in addition to the car. So I am writing a letter to the judge as we speak. Well I guess right would be more accurate in this case. I got somewhere yesterday –but it’s hard. There’s a fine line between emotion and facts and wanting to stay in a relationship with Mike, not trying to screw him over and trying to get help financially from him.